My Story Of Rape & Suicide: “You Can’t Heal From What You Don’t Reveal”
Michelle is a 44-year-old black woman with a remarkable story of rape, molestation and ultimately survival. She was molested by her uncle and raped by her biological father.
Either one of those things would have been enough to take a person out, but not Michelle, even though she tried.
She says, “as a black woman, we are encouraged to remain silent which further victimizes us. But, you can’t heal from things you won’t reveal. The silence and loneliness created severe clinical depression which caused me to be suicidal. I tried to die 3 times and was successful on the 4th (I died for a little over 2 mins).”
It was then that sparked Michelle to think that she is here for a reason. This is her story, in her own words below, on why she was angry to be alive and why she believes she’s here now.
“I was angry. I felt that I was destined to be a victim and was plagued with the memories of my father’s breath warmly assaulting my face, neck and body. As I embraced the hospital bed, I could still feel his body hovering over mine. I was irate because being alive meant that the flashbacks would continue.”
“I wanted the pain, memories and feelings of imprisonment to subside. I desired freedom! I desperately wanted to live and not merely exist in a shell created by sexual assault, depression and suicide attempts. Lying distraught on that gurney with feelings of loneliness, despair, betrayal and isolation, I questioned why. Why am I alive? Being molested by my uncle and raped by my father continued to grip my existence. I was hopeless!”
“At 30 years old, most women are settling down, getting married and/or beginning a family. I was a soon to be divorced mother of a 9-year-old daughter, survivor of rape and molestation, severely clinically depressed. One morning after dropping my daughter off at school, I submitted to the voices in my head. After my overdose, I died. While gone for 2 minutes, I recall a voice asking, “why are you here”? Awakened in the hospital, I heard the sound of myself gasping for breath with tubes down my throat, my stomach had been pumped and there were burn marks on my chest from being resuscitated by a defibrillator. For 18 years, I suffered with severe depression. I pretended to be ok, one suicide attempt after another leading up to this…the 4th attempt.”
“The next day, a pastor came to visit asking a question that would change my life ‘Michelle, why are you here?’ Like a jolt of lightning, something shifted inside assuring me that I was not alive to hurt, but to help others heal. In that moment, my transformation began as I understood that I had a purpose and it was imperative that I forgive the predators and myself. Next, I had to receive love. It was time that I embraced the love from God that would not allow me to abort my destiny. After all, he saved my life in that hospital for a reason, one larger than I could ever begin to imagine. Realizing that I had a purpose helped me to love myself and created the ability to receive true love from others.”
“Today, I am loved. I love others and I exist in a world of safety, possibility and mental balance. I have been free from depression and the desire to die for 14 years. I walk in forgiveness, purpose and love. I realize through every scar therein lies healing. There was no magic potion and my life did not change immediately. But the internal shift empowered and encouraged me to believe that I was created to bring hope to the hopeless and power to the powerless. My life has not been seamless or simple, but it has evolved from an angry existence to a life of perseverance and peace.”
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