911! My Relationship Is In Trouble
We all know that one couple who is so in love, inseparable and the thought of them not being together is inconceivable. Do you ever wonder what leads to the demise of a seemingly loving relationship. Some say money struggles, overbearing inlaws or cheating spouses. The truth is those are symptoms of a deeper problem. John Gottman PH. D. Author of the book “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” says he can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce.
The Crucial 4 “The Four Horsemen”
How can he tell who will split up? There are many indications a marriage is headed for disaster but at the root of Gottman’s research are ” The Four Horsemen.” These are the four things that indicate a marriage is sinking fast:
- Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re a bad person.
- Contempt – “…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
- Defensiveness – “…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
- Stonewalling – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.
Something interesting about Gottman’s research reveals that opinion differences aren’t major factors in the demise of a marriage it’s how couples deal with them:
69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year:
Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.
So, how do healthy marriages deal with issues that can’t be resolved? They accept one another as-is:
These couples intuitively understand that problems are inevitably part of a relationship, much the way chronic physical ailments are inevitable as you get older. They are like a trick knee, a bad back, an irritable bowel, or tennis elbow. We may not love these problems, but we are able to cope with them, to avoid situations that worsen them, and to develop strategies and routines that help us deal with them. Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book “After the Honeymoon” “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.
Here are some helpful points shared on how to have a flourishing marriage:
1) Really knowing each other is vital:
…emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world… these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.
2) When fighting, do your best to avoid using the word you and try to use the word I. This makes it much easier to express feelings and much harder to attack the other person.
3) What’s the most powerful little exercise to improve a marriage? “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.” The goal is to bleed off stress from the day so it can’t negatively affect your relationship.
Cheers to a happy, healthy and prosperous marriage.