(BlackDoctor.org) — The following statement shouldn’t be much of a surprise: men and women express themselves in different ways.
“For women, the purpose of communication is most often to relate; for men, it’s usually to share information,” says Karen Gail Lewis, EdD, relationship therapist and author of Why Don’t You Understand?
So while it may seem to you that your feelings aren’t important to him, or like he’s ignoring you, he might actually be wishing you’d just tell him what you want.
To help fix that communication gap, here are five things your man would like you to know…
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1. A small “thank-you” means a lot to me.
You might think, “I do plenty around here, so why do I have to say ‘thank you’ whenever he pitches in?” But he probably doesn’t agree: “I’d cook, clean, do the dishes and laundry much more happily if my wife said ‘thank you’ more often,” many men have said in study after study. Just like you, he needs appreciation and, yes, a little ego-stroking. “Studies have shown that happy couples give compliments often. Offering a simple ‘thank-you’ is an easy way to show appreciation and make him feel significant,” says Todd Creager, licensed marriage therapist and author of The Long, Hot Marriage.
2. If you want a chore done by a specific time, tell me that.
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You’ve asked him four times to fix the broken kitchen cabinet door, but he still hasn’t even touched it. Your complaints about him not doing what you ask seem justified, right? Not necessarily…unless you tell him it’s urgent, he’s going to get to it when he remembers to do it. “When he hears you ask for a task or chore to be done, all he’s hearing is that you want it done — not that you want it done based on a time line you’ve set, but haven’t shared with him,” says Dr. Lewis. “He wishes you knew that he’d be very happy to fix whatever you want fixed, but if there’s a deadline, you need to let him know that: ‘It would be great if you got that cabinet door fixed by the time my parents arrive on Sunday.’”
3. Please be direct about what’s bothering you.
Since human beings lived in caves, men have probably sat around confused by their mates’ moods, wondering why she won’t just say, “I’m pissed off at you because…” instead of, “I’m fine!” through clenched teeth. Umm…he knows there’s something wrong. “You may think you’re not communicating, but you are. What you feel is being transmitted,” says Creager, just not in a healthy way. The key is to be honest and cut to the chase.
4. I wish you didn’t think we had to talk all the time to be close.
You both get home from work, or finally get the kids into bed, and then you just sit there watching a movie rental. Is this togetherness? The truth is that, to him, it is. “The silence in the room, and just your presence, feels like closeness to a man,” says Dr. Lewis. “He doesn’t necessarily need, as you might, to be engaged in conversation in order to feel connected to you.” So every now and then, reach out and squeeze his hand, and if you want to talk, say so––but don’t assume that silence equals his lack of interest.
5. I wish you wanted sex more.
You may complain that your man seems to always want some action, but what you don’t understand is that by rejecting him too often, you’re making him wonder what he’s doing wrong. “Many men think, ‘I must not be good at it,’” says Dr. Lewis. It’s not just about his needs; it’s also about pleasing you. “Both men and women want to feel intimate with each other, and what women need to understand is that men often derive intimacy from sex – whereas women generally need intimacy in order to have sex. So talk about what you both really want, and find compromises that work for the both of you,” she adds. And if you are in the mood? Act on it! He’ll not only love that you initiated it, but also appreciate feeling desired by you.
