taking their own life, there is overwhelming shock and confusion that follows. When a person takes their own life, people often refer to their death as “they died from suicide” and that actually isn’t the case. People don’t die of suicide they die of depression. Suicide is the action urge to solve the problems that come with depression because the symptoms are too painful and discomforting to bear. When a person takes their own life, there are usually a lot of questions that exist for the people closest to them. They often say, “I never would’ve known” or “how could we not see that coming” and the truth is the person more than likely doesn’t want others to know or see it.
People with high functioning depression that commit suicide can be high achievers in many aspects of their life while internally struggling with emotional distress for a long time. They put on a brave and happy face for the sole purpose of convincing others that things are fine, especially when they’ve made up their mind already about what they want to do. Don’t be mistaken however, all suicides aren’t planned, many are impulsive, an act of making a permanent decision driven by overwhelming and debilitating emotions at the time. It’s the impulsive suicides with no preparation (such as giving away belongings), a suicide note, or explanation left behind that can be an indication that the thought had existed in the person for a while and they just finally reached a place of developing true intent.
When people commit suicide, the first thing the people closest to them do is make it about themselves, “how didn’t I know”, “why didn’t you come to me”. Although it is normal for people to harbor guilt associated with losing someone to suicide, I’m here to tell you that suicide has nothing to do with other people. It ultimately doesn’t matter how happy we’ve perceived the person to be. The pain and agony of living becomes stronger than the will to live. Their needs are just no longer being met with external factors and so they make the choice to not have to wake up every day feeling the heaviness of living life. When someone becomes committed to this, unless they are in treatment, there’s nothing you could’ve done to stop them.
You’d be surprised by the number of people who have passive suicidal thoughts like “I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up”, or “maybe the world would be a better place if I wasn’t around”. Many people would tell you that they would never actually kill themselves but the option of being able to check out on life has crossed their minds in times of struggle or being emotionally overwhelmed. Most people would never openly discuss having these thoughts with others due to potential judgment and stigma or being deemed “crazy”, but the reality is by not having a safe space to discuss these thoughts; we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to receive support or intervention. We’ve just begun to make the conversation around mental health speakable and normalized but there is still a lot of stigmatization that exists within the African American community around this topic.
Mental health issues in the Black community
Many Black people have been met with the “What you got to be depressed about?” approach to their expression of their problems. Narratives such as the “strong Black woman” have kept us from seeking help for decades, convinced that we are supposed to carry life’s problems all by ourselves. In our community, celebrities come forth and speak on having mental health issues and people are all “Mental health matters” until the person behaves in a way they don’t understand or don’t like and then they’re being dragged or made fun of on the internet.
If many of us don’t have a safe space to discuss struggles with mental health, God forbid we ever talk about wanting to rid ourselves of it all. We’d be met with clichés like “Just go to church and pray on it”, or “stay strong” and even though the people telling us these things are doing so with good intentions, these phrases are just not enough to instill hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In my experience, a lot of people spit out a cliché when someone is venting to them about struggling mentally or emotionally because they really don’t know what else to say. They don’t know how to support someone who is in pain or struggling to see the value in life. They can’t relate to being in a place of extreme hopelessness or running out of resiliency. They don’t realize that just sitting and listening to what the person is saying and validating their feelings is enough.
RELATED: 5 Signs A Loved One May Be Considering Suicide
How to support loved ones
There are steps we can all take to be of better support to those around us. The first thing we can do is listen. We all need to do a better job of genuinely checking in with our loved ones, actively listening to them, and creating a safe space for them so they know they can be vulnerable with us. Check on everyone, not just people you perceive to be strong. Get out of the habit of using social media as a means to check on people. People only show you what they want you to see and they’re not going to post “I’m dying inside”. And honestly, we’re so conditioned to skim past posts, if someone was posting cries for help, it’s likely that we wouldn’t notice them until it is too late. If you suspect someone is struggling mentally or emotionally, support them in finding treatment or a therapist. Depression can cause people to be so unmotivated that the person can’t find the resources on their own, so ask them if they need help finding a professional and follow up with them about it.
Understand that a person being on medication is never enough. Anybody’s primary care physician can prescribe an antidepressant. Medication only helps with the chemical imbalances in the brain, it will not teach someone the proper skills to help manage their depression or suicidality. Lastly, health professionals and providers, have to step up and advocate for systemic changes. There are so many people who need help and who seek help but do not have access to resources due to not having the best of the best insurance. Medicaid, Medicare and government-assisted insurance holders are falling through the cracks especially when it comes to quality and accessible mental health services. Don’t just write a script when told that someone is struggling with depression, research and educate them on the treatment options available to them.
People with high functioning depression wear a mask that is extremely hard to see behind. If you’ve lost someone due to them taking their own life, do not allow guilt to consume you because that weight is not yours to carry. People have different ways of achieving peace and we have to learn to accept that even when we don’t understand it. We just have to remember that just because a person carries their mental illness well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. If you struggle with any sort of mental health issue just know that help exists. Your doctor, your job, your insurance provider, the internet are all resources available to get you connected with a mental health professional. Therapyforblackgirls.com and melaninandmentalhealth.com are also great websites that connect people with clinicians of color all across the country. Therapy and treatment can be life-changing and they can also save a life.
Let’s continue to work to remove the stigma associated with going to therapy and we can do that by going ourselves and speaking openly to others about the benefits of our experience. I am a therapist that has a therapist and I am proud to share that with others. For more information on mental health from a millennial therapist perspective, please visit my YouTube channel “Keeping It A Buck W/ B”.
Brittany Rogers, MA, LPC, CADC