(BlackDoctor.org) — To many young couples, the anticipation of that first holiday together can arouse an almost unspeakable excitement. The internal scripts of heart-warming family welcome, an open-armed mother-in-law, and frustration-free finance talks bring about as many fetching images as gleefully dancing sugar plum fairies. For those of us who have been indoctrinated, we know that those flitting fairies are certainly that—fairytale images of what it means to be in a real relationship and have real feelings with real issues to contend with during the holiday season.
The decisions to buy one another gifts (or put the money into this year’s renovations, or pay off built-up student loans), how much to spend on the kids, and where to spend the “it” holiday (your family’s house or mine?) can certainly produce a whirlwind of emotions and even lead to unspoken, but eventually acted out resentments. So in the seasonal spirit of goodness and joy for all, I’ve composed a few clinically proven suggestions to help make you and your partner re-experience just a touch of that first-time together holiday fever.
Constructive Conversations are Key
These questions (again, such as finance talks, whose ex-wife/husband gets to share in the holiday feast), regardless of the holiday, can evoke very strong emotions in partners, even those long-standing ones, for a variety of reasons. The first thing to consider is how to have a mature, open conversation about what to do, without allowing those strong emotions to temper the results of either the conversation, the decision, or most importantly, your relationship (no, that doesn’t mean downing a bottle of scotch before you speak). Acting mature may seem daunting at first, especially if you and your partner tend to be the stick-your-tongues-out or not-speak-for-days-at-a-time type. But maturity in these matters is not only desirable, it is attainable.
First, plan a time when you are going to get together to have the discussion. This may seem silly at first, but couples who set out time for one another, and especially set out time for these important conversations, last longer. It signifies respect for the other person and that you not only want to be heard but are also willing to listen. After all, no one wants to be caught just out of the shower or out of the door to work with a half-eaten bagel in hand only to be pressured (or told, or nagged, or criticized) into making a decision. You can even make it a romantic dinner/evening so that it isn’t something to dread, but, rather, something to look forward to.
If you have younger children, you may want to make sure they are out of earshot, so that they do not feel obligated to hold onto any adult feelings or potentially hurtful words that may be expressed. As for older children, it is advisable to meet as a couple first, so that you have your thoughts and feelings ironed out before you share this with the rest of the family. If you do have children, it would then be a good idea to have a family meeting (and again, you can make it fun by ending the evening with a holiday movie or a family game) about the issues at hand. For older children (especially those who are caught in-between divorced parents and stepparents, etc.), it is advisable to let them share their desires and feelings about the matter. This will teach your children better communication skills (including the listening part of communication), and let them know that even though you as the parents will make the final decisions, their feelings, thoughts and suggestions (which can sometimes be quite ingenious) are just as valuable as your own.
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Where and When to Talk About Money
In terms of finances—always a sticky subject and one of the leading causes of divorce—this conversation is not a necessary one in which to burden the children (even the older ones), especially if it involves how much to spend on them. In order to avoid harsh interactions, sit down and look at the facts. How much do you have coming in, going out, and how much can you realistically spend and remain within your budget? If things are written down on paper, then there is less room for wild dispute or disagreement. Keeping it simple with finances is always the way to go.
That being said, everyone, and, of course, couples, has different value systems about how to save and spend their money. It is hopeful, but not always realistic, that couples will have discussed money management issues prior to joining a long-term union. If not, which is often the case, then start now by writing down a few ideas about why your feelings on holiday spending are important to you (not an argument, but a list of reasons).
Try to listen when your partner speaks (because you were most likely drawn to the other by some of his/her differences also) and not plan your case while he/she speaks. Then you can literally re-write a joint vision together, attempting to respect and combine both of your suggestions and desires. Remember, too, that if you do have children, modeling such open and healthy conversations about money will really save them some financial agony in the future.