…wasn’t at work, he was on-call, or hanging with the guys playing video games, etc. This was frustrating because sometimes, I just needed him to be there and I should have understood he was working to provide for our family and I wanted to but dammit, I was in pain, tired all the time, I was always sad, angry and I needed him with me.
I didn’t have a support system.
Whenever I spoke to other people, I heard comments like, I don’t look sick, or Lupus was just a trait, or just calm down, etc…what they didn’t understand is that the disease was beyond my control!
The weight gain and the hair loss; my older kids were in disarray, my husband worked all the time and I was stressed and in pain.
Oh, and the memory loss. Imagine staying up to study all night, then falling asleep and waking up and you can only remember half of what you studied. As I put these words on paper, I feel this pain again in my throat.
I still feel so bad for what I put my family through.
I had no idea what chemical depression was or how to treat it, maybe because I never realized the symptoms–I was just angry and frustrated all the time so those close to me just wrote me off as a “bitch” and did not notice that my behavior was totally out of character.
My husband often called me impulsive and said I needed to calm down but honestly, I couldn’t help myself. In my mind, I was going to die soon, there is no