get the bacteria that we were fighting and didn’t even work. And just two days ago, I got a call; oh, we’ll be sending your mom some different medication. But that required me calling, Ms. Edith, and Ms. Unique calling (her other caregivers). All three of us were calling and stalking the doctor’s office to do more for us. And I am so exhausted as a black woman who has to do so much more than others just to get them to believe that my mom has a UTI and is in pain. They don’t believe us.
Q: And it’s sad. It really is. So along with being a full-time caregiver, how do you balance being an actress too?
A: I’m tired. Ok. *she laughs* I’m actually in Atlanta filming a movie now. Through resources, I was able to acquire two amazing caregivers. They’re the aunties of the family now, Unique and Edith—they’re with mama now. But that’s hard, too, because it’s hard to release the reins. It’s like you have a baby and don’t want to give it to anybody. And you feel I’m the only one who could care for my baby. So now I’m trying to make sure that we have this family dynamic where mom feels comfortable, I feel comfortable leaving home, but I’m always on top of it. When I get off this call, I’ll be calling to see what happened at Dr. Leach’s office today. You know what I mean? Like, I need to know what’s going on. So, I’m still very much involved in that; it is my first priority. While I love acting, I just found out I’m nominated for an NAACP award today; I haven’t even called my publicist. I got to call the caregiver first and find out what’s going on with mom, and then I’ll jump into that.
Q: Congratulations! So do you think in the beginning, trying to give up some of those reins, do you think it affected your acting?
A: Thank you. Thank you. No, I think it helped. I think it helped because every time I think of this, and honestly, I ask myself, God forbid, what do I do if something happens to mama? Because a lot of, most of, my strength comes from I got to do this for my mother. I got to make her life better. I know that because MS is so terrible to her. I want to do whatever I can to make the other side of her life just amazing. I mean, I just want her to sit in as much joy and normalcy as she can. So I’m just trying to still show her the light that it is still there. It shines bright for her. Whatever I can do. And that’s through my acting; it has made life better for us.
I can afford caregivers because of acting; I can afford better medical equipment. And it actually saddens me because I’ve seen both sides. I’ve seen the side where mama eats today, but I don’t because I ain’t got it. When we got P-Valley, I had no food in the refrigerator. I had just called a friend who was cooking, and I was going to go over to her house and get food and bring it back for mama. So that side is wonderful, but I’m such an advocate, and that’s why it’s so important to bring awareness to MS and different things that I can do now to use this platform to say, Hey sis, you know, there’s this government program here in California that can help you get money. I know because I ain’t have it. So I really want to be that advocate because many times when “celebrities” are speaking on these topics, people think, oh, they’re a celebrity baby. No. I still drive the same Ford Fiesta because I have a $60,000 medical bed I need to get for my mom right now that can help turn her and do this and that. But I just want people to know that there are resources out there. That’s why I’m here to talk.
Q: So, going into my question about advocacy in the Black community being huge. How have you advocated? Trying to get simple OTC medications and prescribed meds is so hard at times; I can only imagine for more severe illnesses. Is there a difference now when you have to advocate for your mom with, I guess, having more resources and the ability to afford those resources versus when you didn’t? Is there a different tone that these doctors are giving?
A: At times, which is so unfair. You know, on Mother’s Day 2022, mama went into the hospital. She had to get a suprapubic catheter, and she had complications. We had to call 911. So once the surgery was done, we thought it went well, we got home, and she’s bleeding. After calling 911 again, they take her to the county hospital. And that’s when I learned my privilege, you know what I mean? I was like, what’s the county hospital? We always go to Sinai; like, what are y’all talking about? I am so glad that actually happened because it helped me learn things that I’ve been sharing with people to help their loved ones. But what I do think was wonderful for my mother but unfair to the world was that my celebrity got my mother out of that hospital because they couldn’t do what they needed to do.
I was calling people, able to use the status of where I am now to get my mom transferred to Cedar Sinai, which saved her life, and found out that something could have gone wrong. I remember crying so hard and going back to the doctor’s office at the county hospital and thanking the nurses and doctors there. It’s not that these county hospitals are bad; they just don’t have the resources that a Cedar Sinai or, you know, a bigger hospital has. And there are some people in the world who can’t just go to the best hospital. So what can I do? I’m just like, I wish I had the money and resources to help them have more. They didn’t have the CT scan there, so they can run it over here. I’m like, what happens to somebody else’s grandma or mama that didn’t have that privilege to make a call and get them moved? What about them? So that’s something on my mind and how I can be an advocate, to help in all these different ways. Because I just felt terrible looking at people sitting in hallways while my mom got to roll out and go get saved. Wondering, who didn’t get saved that day? It is just heartbreaking.
Q: How do you advocate for yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed? I know it’s just like being a parent; if you’re not ok, you can’t take care of your kids right. Are there ways to give yourself self-care so you can continue to function properly?
A: I learned that during the pandemic, when I decided to punch a hole in the wall stressed out. I was like, ok, I can’t keep tearing up the house, baby, because you may not even get the money to fix it. I had to figure this out. So I took my first vacation in November. I’m taking another soon. Someone told me you couldn’t expect abundance when living in a state of fear. And I believe that. Before any of the jobs, we ain’t have the money; I would be scared. So I’m like, ok, maybe the caregivers, y’all can take some time off. I got mama; we need to save this money; y’all can go home. But I’m also like, but now you’re tired.
I had to tell myself to let them stay and do their job, girl. Go to Walmart and walk around. If you got to go, take yourself to dinner, work out, or do something. So that’s where I’m at now is just like, even if I have a day off, usually I’m like, I should spend this day sitting at home with my mom. Right? Yeah. But also, mama’s looking into my eyes and can see I’m stressed out. She’s looking at me like, girl, get out the house and go do something for yourself and come back and then you can have a movie day with your mom. So I’m learning to be gentle and not so hard on myself.
One time I just caught my mom staring at me, and I had come from a back room because I didn’t let her see me cry. So I come from the back room trying to pull it together, and I’m just like, mom, you hungry? And she’s just looking at me, and I was like, ma, why are you looking at me? I said, what’s going on? What are you thinking about? She was able, because she doesn’t speak much more, to say to me, you. And I said, what about me? I was trying to hold back tears; she said, how are you? And I was just like, oh my God. She can still feel it. They know their babies. And I was like, I got to take a beat because I don’t want her to feel ever like she’s a burden. And if we don’t take these moments as caregiving, that has to be a terrible feeling. My mom was so independent, and to already know, now my baby’s in here doing all this for me, and she looks exhausted. No parent wants that.
Q: I know you’ve been talking a lot about how you do your part in trying to help other people and creating a community. So are there specific communities that you feel are most beneficial for people with MS? Who are just diagnosed or caregivers like yourself?
A: Yeah. And you know what? Honestly, I’m not just saying it because I’m a part of it, but I literally cannot wait to share these three short videos that we’ve done on gene.com/ms because it’s just short. We’re talking about the different things I wish I had known when I became a caregiver. So honestly, Azure’s a friend now, and I’m calling her when we get off Zoom too. You know, it’s just so funny that I’m making these different connections, but I’m still on all the message groups. I still look at it and, like, if I see something someone’s going through, I’ll chime in. And I love that. Now when I chime in, it might really help, or it’ll push it up to the front because I got the little blue check.
I’m sitting there typing on my phone like, girl, let me tell you, my mom has MS too. I feel just like them, like bump a celebrity. I’m like, we are the same, and you’re struggling with your mama. Me too. So I’ve made a lot of friends online. I call them my friends now; we cry together in the DMS. We have each other’s phone numbers. And it’s not about anything other than