Friend Zone 101: How to Get Out

  • Friend Zone 101: How to Get Out

    ***“I’m just tryna get you out the friend zone, ‘cause you look even better than the photos.” – The Weeknd, The Hills *** Hello World, I am a recent survivor of the Friend Zone. Yes, you read that right, the FRIEND ZONE; that dark abyss where millions upon millions of men with hopes of bringing their fantasies about a lady-friend to fruition eternally sink once said lady-friend blasts his soul to oblivion with the heart-wrenching news that the chances of her ever sleeping with him are about the same as her chances of watching NBC’s “This Is Us” without crying. The gravity of the moment will pluck you out the sky and land you in general population with your fellow brethren who empathize and sympathize because they’ve suffered the same faith as well.

  • Friend Zone 101: How to Get Out

    Now, you’re probably wondering how did a former fallen angel like myself regrow his wings and ascend out of this black hole known as the Friend Zone? Well, let me answer your question with a question first: Do you want the right answer or the real answer? Do you want a pretty lie or the ugly truth?

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  • Friend Zone 101: How to Get Out

    It’s like asking, “Do I look fat in this dress?” C’mon, babe, you know damn well you’ve been eating and watching Netflix series every day after work for the last two years. You haven’t burned a calorie since you purchased that gym membership as New Year’s resolution, but I digress lol. Picture me as this blend of Morpheus and Will Smith from “Hitch" – I’m your Friend Zone Guardian Angel; and in this role I will simply give you the proverbial red pill because the truth is the only path to the light. So, here we go… The Ugly Truth aka The Red Pill

  • You’re ugly. Yes. YOU. You. Are. Ugly. U-G-L-Y….to her at least.

    Researchers say that 9 out of 10 times you’re in the Friend Zone for completely vain reasons. Generally speaking, physical attraction is the foundation of sexual interactions and relationships. Lust at first sight trumps the imaginary, and quite frankly, non-existent “love at first sight” axiom. She just doesn’t find you attractive bro (blame your parents for that *Kanye shrug*). I’ve concocted a list that will increase your chances of getting paroled out the Friend Zone. I bestow these Jedi Mind Tricks upon thee in hopes you will use them responsibly. We mustn’t use the pain of eternal damnation in the Friend Zone as fuel for revenge against our perpetrators. Disclaimer: You’ll need to put together the perfect combination of these tips to accomplish the impossible. Ultimately, your goal is to “glow up”:

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  • Don't Get Put In The Friend Zone In The First Place

    You must be proactive about not falling in. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take the “I’ll be friends with her first and then make my move” route. That guise will backfire and you’ll be serving 20 consecutive life sentences in the Friend Zone. If you truly only want to do the nasty with her (I chuckled at “the nasty”) respectfully put it out there or you’ll just end up being passive aggressive and resentful of a friend who had no idea about your true intentions.

  • Grow a Beard

    Nothing turns a woman on more than a healthy beard. You can go from “Can I get a hug?” to “Ask my secretary for my availability” over night. Just look at James Harden. He hasn’t been the same since. Here’s a fun fact – the whole purpose of a lion’s mane is to attract females. Even the kings of the jungle get its importance. Simba wasn’t getting any Nala until he grew his mane out.

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  • Become Rich and/or Famous

    Athlete, musician, Instagram celebrity, lottery, inheritance, bitcoin…whatever amounts to jumping up a few tax brackets, fame/notoriety and a few hundred groupies for good measure.

  • Be Taller

    Look, I’m 6’2”. Got more legs than I got body. I don’t have a special pill to make your legs longer, but if you find it spread the wealth to our fellow brethren serving time in the Friend Zone

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  • MUSCLES

    Hit the gym bro and do NOT skip leg days. In the recent resurgence of fitness, the best thing you can do is show off a newly chiseled body with complimentary Instagram likes and heart-eye emojis.

  • A Great Job With Benefits

    We all can’t fulfill tip #2, but a great career with high ceilings, financial stability, stocks and an improved credit score could have her thinking about marriage and kids instead of where you’ll sit at her wedding while she dances with some guy you secretly wish was you.

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  • Learn How To Sing

    Singing is a super power, point blank period. We can’t be X-Men, but we can be singers. Become a male-Siren and lure women to your island of love

  • Learn How to Cook

    A really good college friend of mine is an incredible cook up in the LA area. He graced me with research and empirical evidence that proves that the way to a woman’s heart is also through her stomach. Imagine her delight if she could listen to you sing while you cooked her favorite dish while running her fingers through your beard.

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  • Grow Into Your Looks

    Some of us are late bloomers. High school and college were some of the most fun, but most awkward stages of my life. I was a caterpillar who hadn’t bloomed into a butterfly. Give yourself some time to grow into your face and body before you bless social media with jaw dropping, natural sunlight infused selfies

  • Switch Up Your Wardrobe

    “If you look good, you feel good.” Sometimes you just have to revamp your closest and get saucey on ‘em. Swag is a dangerous weapon, but careful not to overdose on the cool (big shout-out to Lupe Fiasco). If you’re balling on a budget or just cheap, THRIFTING is your best friend. It’s is a key essential to adulting. I can’t tell you how many times I went thrifting and found pieces that accentuate my outfit.

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  • Attract Women Above Her Level

    Who you date is indicative of where you’re at in life. There’s no way out the Friend Zone if you’re not impressing and finessing. Dating a woman that’s not only out your league, but also dwarfs her existence will surely turn a few heads. Reconsideration of your place on her social totem pole is usually the first domino to fall. Flaunt that girl you’re dating around as a reminder that you can and DID better. Not sure if you’ll want to downgrade, but I’ll leave that up to you.

  • Wait For Her to “Fall Off”

    Another close college friend of mine said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life, “Just because you fell off and I came up, that doesn’t mean we’re on the same level.” Sometimes the friend you want has already peaked, while you’re just starting to grow into your looks (tip #9). This is actually perfect! As you’re knocking off all the tips on the list, your rating will go up as hers slightly plummets. Eventually, the discrepancy between you two will be large enough that she removes you from the Friend Zone without any efforts on your end. But now you’re stuck with the decision on whether she still looks good enough to even crush on.

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  • If you successfully accomplish the impossible, no matter where I’m at on the globe I will hear you scream, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!” like KG after the NBA Finals lol. Now get to work. Your Friend Zone Guardian Angel has thousands upon thousands of women that need some rescuing from the Friend Zone as well. Godspeed.

Abdris Elba, B.S. in Advertising – University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Ph.D. in Trolling is a SQL/BI developer, aspiring voiceover actor and living proof that the chicken indeed comes before the egg.