Men may think that the “101 Guide To What A Woman Wants” manual that they carry around in their heads is foolproof – but actually, it may contain a lot of basic myths and errors about women’s sexuality – errors that can defnitely lead to some fizzle in the bedroom.
That’s because — after learning the facts of life — most of us are left to figure out sex for ourselves. Guys tend to take a lot of cues from adult movies, and we all know how true-to-life those are. Experience may help, but many women can be shy when talking about what they like.
To help us with some sex tips, Tristan Taormino and Lou Paget offer some insights into the most common sex mistakes men make with women.
Taormino is a prolific author, lecturer, and video producer. Her latest project is the Expert Guide educational video series from Vivid Ed.
Paget is author of The Great Lover Playbook and other sex manuals, and she gives seminars nationwide.
Mistake 1: You Assume You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they’ve done with other women. But remember that women aren’t all the same – what may feel good to one person, or where they like to be touched, may be completely different with someone else.
“You develop a repertoire as you mature sexually, but you should never assume that what worked with one person is going to work for a person,” Taormino says.
This applies not only to sexual preferences, but also to relationships, she says. “There are women who can have no-strings-attached sex, and women who only want sex when they’re in an established relationship.”
Mistake 2: You Assume You Have All She Needs
Some women can’t have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration. But men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator.
“If the only way that a woman can achieve orgasm is with a vibrator, she’s not broken,” Taormino says. “Men need to start thinking of toys, particularly vibrators, as assistants, not substitutes. Many couples use vibrators together, and while you’re doing one thing, or two things, the vibrator can be doing something else.”
Mistake 3: You Assume That Sex Feels The Same for Men and Women
Paget says there tends to be a “huge disconnect” between men and women in terms of perceptions about what feels good.
“When a man has intercourse with a woman, and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn’t feeling the same way for her,” Paget says. “It couldn’t be further from the truth.”
In reality, the inside of the vagina is probably less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. If the penis is too long, it can feel like you’re getting punched in the stomach or similar to how a man feels if he’s hit in the testicle area,” Paget says. “It makes you feel nauseous.”
Mistake 4: You Assume You Know Your Way Around a Woman’s Anatomy
Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it. That’s not to say that they really understand it, though. Though decades of science has proved this to be wrong, the belief that women must be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration stubbornly persists.
“I still get letters from people who say things like, ‘my wife can’t from intercourse unless she has clitoral stimulation — please help,'” Taormino says. “I want to write back and say, ‘OK, what’s the problem?’ For the majority of women, it’s just not going to happen that way,” Paget says.
Men also lack information about how to touch it and how sensitive it is, Taormino says.
A touch that’s bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special, or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation.
How can you find out how she likes to be touched? Try asking her.
Mistake 5: You Assume When She’s Turned On
Guys sometimes get hung up if a woman doesn’t get slippery enough for easy penetration. Don’t worry about it.
“I think there’s a myth that if you’re turned on, you’re wet,” Taormino says. Not necessarily.
Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. It varies by the phase of her menstrual cycle, and it’s subject to influences like stress and medications.
Mistake 6: You Assume That Silence Is Golden
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex, but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess about what it and isn’t working.
“If you’re respectful about it, your woman will probably appreciate some directions. Saying things like ‘this is how I like it,’ is a very useful conversation to have.”