“You are invading my personal space.” Do you remember saying this as a child? Perhaps, you still say it as an adult. Personal space is often thought of as both a literal and figurative boundary. It is one that we use to shield and protect ourselves from others; some may even refer to it as one’s comfort zone.
Whether it relates to your personal or professional life, having clear boundaries is actually healthy. Dr. Abigail Brenner states that “a healthy relationship requires the space to be yourself, to maintain your personal integrity.
Most people will respect your boundaries when you explain what they are and will expect that you will do the same for them; it’s a two-way street.”
With the proliferation of social media, for many of us, the notion of boundaries has shifted. What may have been deemed as being too much information a decade ago is now considered normal. For years, I worked with people and never met their families. Now, with one click, I can see pictures of their spouses, children, and their last vacation site.
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My point is that the distinction between personal and public has shifted and so too has our sense of personal boundaries. As such, for some of us, creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is difficult, but it shouldn’t be. The most important thing to understand about boundaries is that you deserve to have them and to be honest, you don’t have to explain to others why your boundaries are what they are.
The reality is that toxicity—intentional and unintentional—can penetrate any professional or familial space so you want to do as much as you can to protect yourself and sometimes that means disconnecting from people or being explicit about your non-negotiables—what is acceptable? What isn’t in the context of your relationships?
It is when we don’t have healthy boundaries that we often run into problems—a situation may trigger us; a person may anger us or we may find ourselves frustrated or overwhelmed. When you find yourself in situations such as this, pause and ask, “Was this preventable?” or “Were my boundaries clear?”
If you are someone who likes to please others or who puts others before yourself then creating boundaries may be difficult, but remember, your
peace of mind is priceless and it is worth protecting. Start with small steps and before you know it, you will feel more comfortable establishing and maintaining boundaries or your comfort zone.
Redefining Self Care: Looking Beyond Trips And Spa Days
It seems like self-care is the new buzzword these days and every time you turn around someone is talking about the importance of it. However, it also seems that the core issue gets lost in talks of weekend getaways and spa services.
While those things are nice, if the only things you do to care for yourself are these random activities, you may not experience lasting benefits.
This is especially true if you are only able to do these things occasionally. If financial limitations keep you from enjoying these types of outings altogether, you may experience even more stress and the risk of burnout.
In my opinion, the truest form of self-care comes with redefining the boundaries that exist between you and the world you interact with. Boundaries are the limits that you set on what you will accept of another person’s words or behavior. That person could be in your personal life or professional life.
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If you are constantly allowing others to cross lines that you don’t necessarily want crossed, it leaves a nagging sense of being burdened which adds to your stress levels. And let’s face it, no amount of weekend trips or spa days will help if you are constantly returning to this same stress.
Before you can set firm boundaries with others you have to have a good definition of what your boundaries are. What are some things about your interactions with others that make you uncomfortable?
Is it foul language? Is it the way a certain person speaks to you? Is it someone asking you for favors constantly, despite knowing that it will put you in a bind to help out? Is it a coworker who puts extra work on you unfairly? Whatever it is, you have to be able to pinpoint the problem before you can address it.
Once you have defined the particular issue, I recommend that you practice setting the boundary. Get in front of a mirror and practice what you will say.
The last thing you want to do is come across as not resolute about what you are saying, or else the person may not take you seriously, which could be infuriating.
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You also want to make sure that the message is clear. The person on the receiving end needs to know what behavior is problematic for you and what the consequences are.
An example would be, “When you use such foul language around me, it makes me uncomfortable. I am asking that you refrain from using that language around me. If you are unable to do so, it will interfere with our ability to hang out regularly”.
Once the boundary is set, it is important that you follow through with the consequence that you provided. If you don’t, that person will not take you seriously for this or future boundaries you try to set.
Setting boundaries can be tough but practice is key. Once you get in the habit of doing this, it becomes easier and it improves relationships because you no longer have that unspoken issue between you and the other person. What boundaries do you plan to work on?