Sadly, there are times when families experience devastating losses. An expectant mother may lose her baby during the pregnancy or, more rarely, the baby may die during childbirth or soon after birth. During this time, each family (and each member of the family) may experience the loss and express grief differently, including the dad.
So much focus is placed on the mother--and rightly so--since she is responsible for carrying the child and has that intimate connection, but the father, who has gone along with the process, also feels it deeply
In an episode of his web series I Turn My Camera On on Essence.com, actor Lance Gross gets real and chats with fellow actor Omari Hardwick about the experience of losing a child.
Both now proud fathers, the two begin the conversation by discussing Omari's daily routines and rituals for keeping his mind, body and spirit in good shape. The Power star emphasizes that a healthy mindset is just important as a healthy physique.
"It makes no sense for your exterior to be on point if your insides are all contaminated," he says.
As Lance shifts the discussion, he asks Omari to speak on a time when he felt he had to choose between his career and his own well-being. That's when the two find out that both have experienced the pain of losing a child during pregnancy.
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"The sixth year of my working career as an actor, we were pregnant with my first child," Hardwick says. "Filming [the movie] Dark Blue, lying to the movie Kick Ass so that I could do both — and dealing with the baby sliding and not doing well. The doctors let us know, you know, that if it were them, they would have aborted and we chose not to. So, just riding that out for months in terms of like, not wanting to go to work and even having somebody secure enough and strong enough at home to say, "No, you have to go to work." And then it came to a place where we lost the baby. Ironically, the day that we delivered the baby, I was forced to work."
After that confession, Lance opens up about the love for his daughter and how she came after him and his wife lost their first child.
"Man, I don't know about you, but when I come home from a long days work, seeing my daughter, man. It's like I don't care how long or how challenging my day has been, seeing my little girl puts me in the best place I can be."
"I relate to you so much," confessed Gross to Hardwick. "You don't know, but we lost a child. I remember getting the call from my wife--I was in the middle of a scene. And I got a call from her and it did something to me-- know what I mean? I felt like I should've been there."
"You learn so many of those stories, but nobody talks about it," says Hardwick.
And he's right. When a person experiences loss during pregnancy, it's normal to feel shock, grief, depression, guilt, anger, and a sense of failure and vulnerability.
The days, weeks, and even months following a loss can be incredibly difficult and painful – even more so if...
...this wasn't your first pregnancy loss, or if you carefully planned this pregnancy and thought you'd done everything "right." Or you may simply feel withdrawn and moody and unable to concentrate or sleep.
Mother's who've experienced this share some key lessons on BabyCenter:
Understand that it's not your fault - Pregnancy loss or complications can strike anyone. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about what's happened and how it's affecting you. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Accept your feelings as they are and don't judge yourself or your partner for how you respond.
Give yourself time to heal - Don't pressure yourself to get past the sadness quickly. Your healing will be more complete if you deal with your grief as it comes. You may find yourself reliving the pain, especially around your due date or other milestones. Over time, things will change and you'll feel better.
Don't expect your partner to grieve in the same way - If your partner doesn't seem to be affected by the loss as deeply as you are, understand that everyone grieves differently. Share your feelings and your needs with your partner but give each other the freedom to experience the loss in your own way.
If your partner is a man, know that men and women grieve differently. While women tend to express their feelings and look for support from others, men tend to hold their feelings inside and deal with loss on their own. Men often feel they need to take care of their partners by remaining strong. So don't misread his stoicism as not caring about you or your loss, and don't judge yourself for not coping as well as he does.
