Last week, the brothers spoke candidly with BlackDoctor.org about their perspective on holding the men in their circle accountable for their actions. The conversation sparked so much debate that we had to follow up with the female perspective to see what it’s like to be on the other side. We asked the women how they felt about the belief that men don’t hold one another accountable and also how they felt about their man’s choice in friends. Of course, the sisters had a lot to say. We hope you enjoy this conversation as much as we did.
Koleta Smith, 26, Chicago, IL
Example: A woman feels disrespected by her man’s friend. Instead of the man being firm about the disrespect, he’ll either tell the woman it wasn’t that serious, say “I will talk to him about it tomorrow”, or “(chuckles) Aye bro, that wasn’t cool (chuckles again)” …what’s funny?…
Issues never get solved if you handle them in that manner. This is why holding men accountable for their actions is important because how else are they going to know that what they’re doing is wrong? It is even more important for a man to do it, instead of women, due to the fact that men look up to one another. Even if he feels like his advice is not going to be received he should still speak up. They may not believe it but they are their brothers and women are affected by it daily.
Keita Hopton, 33, Houston TX
My other thought is that men feel it’s not their business to get involved in other men’s issues. Maybe they think sometimes it’s best to keep quiet and just be a good friend. The sad part about that is that as a friend, it’s kind of your job to be that voice of reason and do what you can to make sure your friends shine. The five people you spend the most time with are a reflection of you, right? So, play your part and bring important things to the table when the opportunity calls for it.
I definitely take inventory of the types of friends my guy, or pre-guy, has in his circle. I think it’s a reflection of who he is. If his homeboys are bums, or liars, broke or underachievers, I’m going to wonder why he would spend his time with people like that, and what parts of them are waiting to be seen in him. You attract what you put out. Having good people with good values and energy in your circle is a must.
Jene Mitchell, 32, Chicago, IL
I also think it boils down to if a man has been raised to talk or shut up and power through. This isn’t about being emotional, although I think that men, and in my experience Black men, have had the emotions taught out of them. And if as a man, you don’t know how to deal with your emotions, you are more likely to act emotionally, and not rationally. But if you are taught to talk about what you are going through you are able to vocalize issues and not just talk with someone who will hold you accountable, but also be able to hold yourself accountable. React rationally, instead of lashing out emotionally.
So maybe men who can’t hold each other accountable for something they think is out of order, are afraid of how it will come off. They are afraid of how they will be viewed by that friend. Maybe they think it will make them look soft. Who knows. But what I do know is that if you are comfortable with your emotional intelligence then telling someone they are wrong, shouldn’t be an issue.
Keena Ray Alexander, 34, St. Louis, MO
And then there is the highly respected or powerful man in the community. People love and idolize him so much because he does everything right on the surface but some whom are closest to him or biz partners, they may just ignore because they don’t want to “disrespect” this highly respected guy. This is fear, too. They may even turn what he’s doing into something that’s glorified with how crazy our society is.
Rhyan Robinson, 29, Detroit, MI
As far as keeping tabs on the men my man decides to befriend, that’s for the birds. It’s already enough energy keeping tabs on one man (LOL). I’m content with the idea that my man is mature enough to influence himself and make his own decisions. If I find that he maneuvers in a different capacity, then that is a discussion we would surely need to put on the table ASAP.
Unnamed, 34, St. Louis, MO
I feel that some men do hold each other accountable, but then there are some males that turn the other cheek and walk the other way. I think that they feel that they don’t belong in another man’s business, while others feel that it’s their duty to hold them accountable. I also feel that men that have an invested interest in that male’s life will hold each other to another standard. Men that want to play the game and do as they please will more than likely turn a blind eye so that when they are messing up no one can call them on the carpet.
When I was in a relationship, currently divorced, my husband’s “friends”were for the most part nonexistent. When we dated, they tried to hold him accountable to being a Christian man and not sinning, but as soon as we said I do, they disappeared. I also noticed that as our marriage broke down, they started to “reappear” and tried to mend our wounds. Most, if not all, of his friends are faithfully married.
Candace Jarrett, 32, St. Louis, MO
I don’t inventory friends. I have to trust my partner to make good choices not matter who they befriend. Because I believe in personal responsibility I believe any choice a person makes is because they wanted to make that decision.
You’ve heard from both sides and now we want to hear from you. Drop us a line on our Facebook fan page to let us know how you feel about Black men holding each other accountable.