“He was a gentleman. He opened car doors, took me out on dates, gave me compliments and seemed to have all the good qualities I wanted in a mate. And he was fine, he was a good looking man,” said Cheryl B. Cheryl B. isn’t her real name but for the sake of this story and to protect her identity and safety we will refer to this woman as such. Cheryl said she met her former boyfriend, “Chris” through her job and eventually exchanged numbers after he sought her about a personal matter regarding his family. “Chris, called me up one day at work and asked me if I could met him downtown for lunch. I thought nothing of it because we were only business associates at that time. Once I got there, he introduced me to his mother, we ate, and we discussed how we would handle his personal matter,” said Cheryl.
Cheryl said she remained professional with him but as time went on they developed a friendship outside of work. She would invite Chris and his family to her church, and they would later gather for dinner too. Cheryl mentioned she eventually would have a conversation with her church sister about Chris’s background. The church sister stated she went to school with his sister and knew how he grew up. This information would later become valuable to Cheryl as her friendship with Chris progressed.
“Once our professional ties finally wrapped up, I got a call from Chris inviting me to dinner one evening. I agreed to meet with him and he expressed to me how he liked me and would like to date me. I was flattered and thought, well I already had a great rapport with him and his family. So I didn’t object to him wanting to get to know me better,” said Cheryl. “We started dating and taking things slow. We would go to the movies, the park, attend community events and just do normal couple things. But this all changed quickly once my job started becoming more demanding and had to put in more hours at work, said Cheryl.”
She said his kind and gentle spirit eventually turned into something like the “Strange Case of Dr. Jekyell and Mr. Hyde” literally speaking. “I, mean I was at work one day and he called me on the phone while I was with a client and asked me ‘Cheryl, are you cheating on me?’ Clearly, I thought this was a joke because he would at times act silly and try to play pranks on me. But I heard his voice change in tone and I knew immediately he wasn’t joking with me.” I told him “No, I’m not cheating on you I’m at work and I don’t have time to play these games with you right now. I have a client in my car and would talk to you later.”
He then replied, “You’re lying and you’re always at work late.” So, to prove my innocence, which I shouldn’t have… I took a picture of me with my client inside my car and sent it to his phone. But he claimed I could’ve taken that picture awhile ago instead of taking it in real time,” said Cheryl.
“The acts of jealousy and suspicion of cheating was the beginning of this craziness and it continued to get worse,” replied Cheryl. “I mean, it really started to get crazy. It was like he would make up stuff in his head and accuse me of everything under the moon, including sleeping with my neighbor. I didn’t understand where all of his insecurities were coming from. We spent lots of time together, talked consistently on the phone throughout the day but it seemed as if I wasn’t by his side physically he would think I was off cheating,” she explained.
Cheryl B. described a time when her mother texted her really late at night and Chris happen to be spending the night at her house. “My mother and I were close and she knew I was a night owl, so it wasn’t uncommon to get a random text from her at 2 am. But Chris made a rude comment saying I need to tell my mother not to text so late because it would wake up my man. Girl, I almost gasped for air! How dare you say that to me and be bold enough to tell me to deliver that message to my mother. Who does that,” asked Cheryl?
Cheryl said she sought her friend and a few family members for advice after she and Chris had gotten into an argument and he called her out of her name.
“I never had a man, let alone one I was dating call me out of my name. He called me a lying, trifling, bi**h!” I almost lost it, said Cheryl. “I found myself…about to respond to violence. Immediately walked off and called my mother. Chris left my house, I assume in fear of his life, who knows. My mother came over and spoke to me about the incident as I cried out my eyes about being humiliated. I shouted, how could he say such things to me when I helped him and his family. I’ve done nothing wrong and he keeps accusing me of cheating and now he’s calling me names in my own house!”
Chris eventually returned back to Cheryl’s home while her mother was there and apologized to them both. Cheryl wasn’t convinced and her mother told her not to mention the incident to the family specifically her uncle but to see how things would progress with their relationship and make a decision later.
“To this day, I am still kicking myself for listening to this bad advice from my mother. We should have had my uncle involved and I should have ended this relationship that night. But the name calling didn’t end. He wouldn’t curse at me but call me a “hoe” or something else degrading. I would tell my mom and she would say just ignore him he’s just hurt and is looking for ways to break you down.” I didn’t get it, he would apologize and blame his horrible behavior on his job; saying I’m stressed at work. He would make it up to me by buying cards, flowers etc but I knew that after the first time he cursed at me and called me out of my name I wanted out. But my mother knew I was a women who wouldn’t stand with much drama and would end a relationship quickly. So I chose to stick around after she told me I don’t give people chances, but I didn’t always reveal to her all the additional things Chris would do in public or behind closed doors. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I allowed him to continue to mistreat me. So I started getting withdrawn and although Chris didn’t physically abuse me, mentally his words started to take a toll on my spirit. Eventually, I suggested to Chris that we should go to counseling. He would agree and then change his mind on the day of the appointment,” said Cheryl.
I asked Cheryl what was the final turning-point within her relationship? She stated “When he attempted to kill us both. It was a few days before my birthday and he went over his brother’s house to retrieve something while they were out of town for the holidays. As we were leaving the house, he started mumbling something to himself while he was driving. Then all of sudden he started driving erratically to this stop sign. He was going to blow through the stop sign and run us into a four-lane roadway. Actually he did and thank God at a moments notice we didn’t get t-boned by the incoming traffic. I immediately got on my cellphone and attempted to call my mom. But I wish I would’ve called the police. To make a long story short, I tried to remain calm but I frighten to death and didn’t know if I would make it out of that car alive. So as he proceeded to get on to the highway I was trying to come up with a game plan to get out of the car to safe my life. Since it was clear he didn’t value mine nor his. He drove a few miles on the highway and then took an exit ramp. I looked ahead and saw there was a stop sign coming up, and when he started to slow down the car to break; I took a big leap of faith, opened the car door and jumped out while the car was still moving. I started running and didn’t look back. I was already familiar with the area and started heading to my family’s home. But after a few minutes of walking Chris appeared behind me and was trying to get me back into the car and I refused. He literally left his car in the road to follow after me and when I wouldn’t respond to him, he started the name calling,” she stated.
Cheryl eventually went to the courts and filed for a restraining order. “I started feeling guilty but after I arrived to my mother’s house and explained what occurred between Chris and I she told me ‘Leave him, now he is dangerous! I don’t want to see you in a casket!’ I also, believed I was looking for someone to validate my cry out for help. I wanted someone to tell me to leave him a long time ago but I was told people didn’t want to get involved because they thought I would run back to him,” said Cheryl B.
“I sought counseling after that relationship because I thought how on earth did I get to this place? When did I stop valuing myself worth to allow someone to verbally abuse me, mentally break me down? But like I said, it didn’t start that way. He was charming, he did everything right except—treat me right. I ignored the flags, the signs, I ignored the small things. I thought I could help him, change him. But the truth of the matter is you can’t fix people. They need to seek help for themselves and honestly want to change who they are. Women stop trying to fix these broken men, fix yourself! Build up yourself esteem and know your worth. If someone calls you out of your name, puts you down, start acting really jealous, tries to limit your communication with family and friends; end that relationship quickly! If you find yourself saying to that person…You’re hurting me. Please let me go, stop! Then get help. These are the beginning signs of an abusive situation. Domestic violence usually runs in cycles unless that individual gets help,” said Cheryl B.
Cheryl said she called the domestic violence hotline one time and it was an “eyeopener for me.” If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence here are some of the signs to watch out for says the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
- Telling you that you never do anything right.
- Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.
- Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people.
- Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
- Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
- Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.
- Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
- Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.
- Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets. Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
- Destroying your belongings or your home.
For more information on how to get help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.TheHotline.org but if you are in immediate danger, just call 911.