In all my years of writing books and articles about relationships and touring North America to speak to audiences about relationships, I have never heard of a “Christian matchmaker,” so I was instantly intrigued and made sure to attend.
Upon arrival, I sat down and really took in what he was saying, and I realized that his advice was not far different from what other matchmakers claim. The only noticeable difference was the fact that he used Bible scripture to reinforce his ideologies. In fact, the thing that was most unique about the event was the audience – a crowd full of grown, single, Seventh-Day Adventists, who were in the mood to talk frankly about dating, especially dating in the church. Please understand that these people were not preteens, teenagers, or even very young adults – we are talking about people age 30 and older.
WHAT DO YOU THINK: Dating With Children, When Is The Best Time To Introduce Them?
Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I want to put it out there that I am an agnostic theist. I don’t think it’s vastly important, nor will it affect my ability to talk about the church in a fair and balanced manner. But let’s be honest, no one wants to see their faith being trashed, which makes us extra-sensitive about who’s seemingly challenging it. What I ultimately want to convey is that this piece is less about my individual opinion, and more about me reporting the actual feelings of the Christians I spoke with that night and throughout that week. After interviewing many devout Christians, and really listening to what they had to say, the results have been very clear, yet confusing at the same time: The church is the BEST and the WORST place to date.
One woman perfectly summed up what many people there told me in one sentence: “Everyone in the church wants to see you get married – but they don’t necessarily want to see you date.”
So let’s address the pros of dating in the church, and why these folks found it to be the best place to meet someone:
- You know that the person you’re dating shares your religious outlook or, at least, a very similar one
- The church is a much better alternative to lounges and clubs. (I would guess that’s a sentiment shared by most grown folks regardless of faith.)…
- It’s easier to find someone with similar family values in your church, than randomly out in society.
- The church typically encourages and supports couples who want to eventually be married
Now here are some of the cons:
- Everyone will be up in your business the moment they even think you are considering dating. You will be discussed, dissected, and analyzed by many people, even if you try to maintain a modicum of privacy.
- Your every action is subject to “faith-shaming,” in which congregants will make sure to judge whether your actions and mate are holy enough for the church (something Meagan Good knows a lot about).
- Simply dating multiple people, whether in your church or outside of it, often results in negative gossip, even if you haven’t slept with anyone
It was actually kind of funny to hear these adults tell me about their informal church-dating rules such as, “never tell anyone who you’re seeing or that you’re even seeing someone until things are serious,” “try to find someone from another church,” and “never exchange numbers with people anywhere the rest of the congregation is” — or prepare to have your business in the street. But the most telling issue was simply that as much as the churches promote marriage, there aren’t enough churches doing things to encourage dating.
Now this doesn’t apply to all churches, because there are some that definitely support their single members in various ways from mixers and concerts to other unique strategies. But when it comes to dating, many of these adults feel like there is a severe lack of a support system. Some even believe there’s an underlying distrust that they can date, while simultaneously maintaining obedience to the Word.