Let me be clear, underlined in all of these questions is stigma and fear prompted by lack of understanding and honest acceptance of the facts around HIV. I mean come on, how many times have you heard that a condom will prevent a person from contracting HIV? We’ve all heard it and millennials have more information than any of us. But still people ask the question as if sex for those living with HIV is out of the question.
There is no judgement on my behalf; I understand that people are afraid of what they don’t understand. Somehow we have stayed stuck in the earliest information and images of people living with HIV. With stigma hanging over HIV like thick fog, people are afraid to open themselves up to the most relevant of information about HIV.
Who actually sits and reads an article on HIV without the fear of being judged? As if to say, you must have HIV because you’re reading about it. Stigma also creates fear of disclosure for those living with HIV. Stigma on all levels is wrapped tightly around the fear of rejection and judgment. I get it.
When I was first diagnosed I asked…
“Who will want to date me? Who can I trust with this information?” That was the Spring of 1987 and I have come a long way. Yet, I still apply many of my same methods around dating that I did so many years ago. I got over myself and the fear of rejection, quick, fast and in a hurry.
I believe all relationships should start with a honest foundation. I don’t see how a relationship can stand on firm ground without disclosure. Shoot, not just with HIV. I have a girlfriend who dated a guy for two years. He was looking for a job and she made a recommendation, pulling strings on her man’s behalf and come to find out, he was lying by omission about completing college. So when he went to the job interview, he could not produce his degree. She felt totally betrayed. Lies, half truths, important omissions can derail a good thing.
Let’s take HIV, for example. What if I ended up in ER for something related to HIV? How do I even begin to explain to my partner what’s going on with my health? The later you disclose the more complicated it becomes. I felt early on that I didn’t want a man in my life who couldn’t share my struggle.
In full disclosure, today most men know who I am before they approach me for a date. In the age of Google, Facebook and all things social media, it’s just hard for me to take my time, so I disclose on our first real date. Truthfully, because of stigma, I have more men who want to date me privately, but don’t want to be exposed to my public life. But that’s not happening. I decided long ago, if you can’t walk with me in the park in the day light, we can’t do a darn thing in the dark. I’m Just Sayin.
Prior to going public 23 years ago, I would make sure that I really liked a guy before disclosing. After enough dates where my comfort zone with him had reached a good place I would sit him down, usually in a private but neutral space. Definitely not our homes.
By the way, I never talk about…
…….sex while in the middle of sex or foreplay. I take my health serious and sex is only one part of that when it comes to dating. So in this neutral space, I disclose my HIV status. Then with patience, I answer his questions. That’s fair, for one, because what they know about HIV might not be as advanced as what I know. I also believe that my partner needs to be fully informed for both of us. This is also about his body and life, too.
A person has the right to decide what they want and don’t want to do with their body and life, including those living with HIV. I don’t want anyone to take away my right to choose, and likewise, I honor my partner’s right to choose. Shoot, I’ve dated men who didn’t mind my HIV status, but I had to keep it moving because their way of living didn’t meet the standards that I have for my own life. Free will is a wonderful gift.
After disclosure, for the most part, the men in my life want to know about my health before they get to the sex questions. That’s how it should be. If he can’t think about my well being beyond my vagina and his penis, I keep it moving. If he doesn’t want to know how many pills I take or my prognosis for life, then it will be very hard for me to see what value he can add to my life. People really do show you who they are, and you better believe it. Living with HIV is not a good reason to be in a bad relationship.
However, the sex questions do eventually come. Honestly, I think every couple should have this discussion prior to sex, whether they are living with HIV or not. To know his/her favorite color, their dreams and aspirations, even to know his/her favorite sexual position and not know how he/she feels about condoms, birth control and relevant sex history is some dangerous territory. I ask my suitor about their history with other sexually transmitted diseases like herpes and HPV. I also ask my partner if they are heterosexual, or have they had sex with a man at some point in their life. Shoot these days I even ask if they have a wife or a girlfriend. Believe me, I have to. I was dating a guy who was dating a younger woman and me at the same time. When it all hit the fan, she didn’t want to believe that he could have had sex with a woman with HIV. Girl bye!
In my HIV paradigm, I give my partner all the relevant information about what sex means for our relationship. I talk about his risk factors. I talk about my risk factors to other STDs and their impact on my health. I ask my partner to be tested for HIV because I want to know his starting point for sure, for sure. Lastly, I talk about how we can protect each other.
This is what I want my partner to know about transmitting HIV:
1. You can only transmitted HIV through blood, semen and vaginal secretions.
2. You cannot transmit through saliva, which means we can kiss all day and all night.
3. This also means if a person living with HIV was preforming oral sex, whether male or female they cannot transmit HIV. All you got is saliva around the genitals.
4. While the numbers are fairly low, you CAN transmit HIV if the person receiving the oral sex is HIV positive. For example, if my partner was performing oral sex on me and he had a cut or open sore in his mouth, there is a potential for my vaginal secretions to enter into his cut or sore. Likewise, if I was performing oral sex on a person with HIV, constant droplets of his semen also have the potential to enter the open sore or cut in my mouth, infecting me.
5. Anal sex is the easiest form of HIV transmission because anal sex almost always generates blood. This is even true for male to female. So you must absolutely use a condom durning anal sex.
Today’s advancements around HIV treatment are remarkable and those advancements also have an impact on dating with HIV. Let me break it down:
1. The most remarkable advancement in preventing the transmission of HIV is to get in care and stay in care. Viral suppression is critical. For the longevity of life, but also because an undetectable viral load prevents HIV transmission. If I were dating a person with HIV, I would want to stay up to date on their health including their lab work.
2. Equally remarkable is PrEP. Pre-exposure prophylactics is a once-a-day pill that prevents the transmission of HIV. I have never used PrEP but if I were entering a relationship I would certainly discuss it with my partner as an option.
3. I use condoms 100% of the time. While I want to trust my partner I understand that I have no idea or control of what he does when he is not with me. Remember my boyfriend who was dating me and another woman at the same time? By the way, she said they never used condoms. My bottom line is, I don’t want to give you HIV nor do I want you to give me something else, including another strain of HIV.
4. A latex condom used 100% of the time correctly does prevent the transmission of HIV. Correctly means: check the expiration date; never put an oil-based lubricant on a condom; never use a condom twice; once the sex is over, he should hold the condom, pull out, then flush it down the toilet.
5. I also give my partner the option of female condoms.
6. We should both keep condoms in our own homes to always be prepared.
7. When I’m on my period (that is when I used to get them; menopause is another topic for another day), it will increase the chances of infecting my partner because my vaginal secretions and my blood are present.
At the end of the day, living with HIV should not prevent you from having a dating life and one that includes sex. Likewise, with the advancements in treatment, an HIV negative person can live a full life with someone who is also living with HIV.