T.I. went on to explain how his marriage “deterred” and “distracted” him from his current goals, and that he doesn’t have the time to be a “thoughtful and considerate” husband. This self-realization for T.I. comes a little too late seeing as he should have known this prior to marriage, but his transparency sheds light on a common rationale for many others out there.
Most topics surrounding marriage make it seem like a fairytale, but are T.I.’s remarks true? Do many people fear/feel that marriage is an obstacle or something that will hold them back from success?
In T.I.’s case, it’s a bit hard to understand when Tiny has probably become the #1 example of what one would call a “ride or die” chick, and T.I. is nothing short of successful. But for others, feeling like their marriage is holding them back just might be valid.
Marriage is the epitome of sacrifice. It becomes your very first priority. Decisions can no longer be made independently, and your partner’s thoughts and feelings become more important. This being considered, if there are accomplishments that you seek to achieve that could affect your marriage, you are bound to find yourself in a compromising position. This becomes especially hard if you are driven by your goals and feel that you have to sacrifice yourself and/or your dreams for the sake of your relationship.
As a newly engaged person, I myself am even beginning to recognize the importance of this more and more. I realized that “distractions” are unacceptable after saying, “I do”. What you may or may not be missing out on, i.e., freedom to make decisions without consulting your spouse, should be understood concessions on your wedding day. Things that you may have wanted to achieve in life that aren’t conducive to you being able to be a committed partner should be done prior to the marriage.
Licensed marriage therapist, Adrienne Laursen, believes in “divorce proofing” a marriage. She says, “When you combine two lives to become one unit forever, it takes some planning to be successful. Talk with your spouse-to-be about what your life together will look like. Think of it as a marriage map. Do you want to travel? Buy a home? Start a family? Where will you live? What are your career goals?” The point is that these goals need to be discussed and compared.
Marriage is a union that both partners should get fulfillment out of. If it is something that you look at as a distraction, the problem at hand could most definitely be you and your planning (or lack thereof) and not your spouse.
A prime example of this is I have always wanted to live in multiple states just so I can experience different parts of the country. In my line of work recruiters are constantly trying to hire and relocate me all over the country. I often will read up on the opportunity, but I would never pursue it without the consultation of my soon to be husband first. Reason being, moving across the country would disrupt both of our lives.
What I am thankful for is that with this having been a goal of mine I pursued it early in my career. Prior to getting engaged I have had the opportunity to live in four different states as I’ve climbed through my career. Because of this, I am not as anxious to jump at the next opportunity 500 miles away. Had my soon to be husband met me five years ago, my assessment of what was more important to me (career vs. relationship) may have been different. Since I have gotten a lot of those goals out of the way I can focus on my relationship as it is my number one priority now.
So you need to ask yourself, is marriage really the culprit in detouring you from your goals, or did you just choose the wrong time to get married, or the wrong person to get married to? Before tying the knot, you should plan a life blueprint. Where does your love life factor in, career goals, finance goals, location of where you want to build a life, kids, and anything else that may be a deal breaker for your relationship. Once that is set, pair yourself with someone that will not just complement those goals but someone who will be a cheerleader for you as you move towards them.