(Disclaimer: Men, fellas and gentlemen alike…I love us, I love our brotherhoods, but as your brother sometimes I have to check us in order to put Life in perspective. And no, I’m not writing this article to impress a girl or get brownie points with the ladies. That’s what my IG selfies are for *Kanye shrug* :^)
Now let’s get to it…
I tend to question things….a lot. I always have. I also tend to talk to myself…a lot (admit it, we all do. It’s said to be a sign of genius, but don’t get too excited, you’re still not a genius).
My former Instagram handle wasn’t “nerdy.by.nature” for no reason: not only was it a testament to my scholastic and professional accomplishments, my love for Mother Nature and the fact I’m just a lame stuck in a cool person’s body, but it was a testament to my inquisitiveness about the ways of the world. This natural disposition lends itself to conversations with my closest friends about everything under, between and above the sun.
See, I’m a humanist at heart. The evolution, ascension, and nature of human beings are things I ponder about quite a bit, but there’s one thing I’ve paid closer attention to the older I’ve gotten: the personal, professional and platonic relationship between men and women.
In moments of solitude and humility, you tend to hear this little voice in the back of your mind. Don’t worry you’re not crazy nor are you a genius (in case you needed a second reminder haha). It’s called your conscience and it usually exercises its most amazing ability…telling you the TRUTH, and we all know the truth hurts. On this very day, I’m going to let my conscience do all the typing because there’s a dosage of truth that’ll be a tough pill to swallow, but hey, no pain, no gain.
This is where I start to get fake deep or “woke” so bear with me. My conscience asked me a simple question one day: “Why do CERTAIN double standards exist?”–Easy…because the average man is weak. “Explain…”
Well, generally speaking…
Why can’t women exercise their sexuality as much as men?
- Why are women seen more as possessions than humans (e.g. “trophy” wife)?
- Why don’t men have to live up to the same body imaging pressures that women do?
- Why can’t women be the breadwinners in households?
- Why are assertive women considered “b**ches?
- Why are men paid more than women?
- Why do men think they’re more intellectually sound than women?
- Why can’t women be as outspoken as men?
- Why do women have to marginalize themselves in relationships for men?
- Why do men have unrealistic expectations of women?
- Why do we have to choose between Nicki Minaj and Cardi B? Why can’t they both flourish (You weren’t expecting that one…see, I even squash rap beef lol)
Because of the fragility of the male ego.
It’s a very nuanced and layered topic that’s been analyzed, discussed, a written about on countless occasions. Because of its broadness and complexity, I offer my high-level point of view with hopes you’ll add your two cents because I want this to be a conversation, not just an article you read.
Historically, patriarchs have reigned supreme to the absolute failure of men and women. Men have been coddled and allowed to fulfill their potential at the expense of women. There’s a term for this, male privilege. Male privilege is just as real and prevalent as white privilege. No matter how much we want to ignore or even deny it, it’s is alive and well and in this privilege, men believe they serve a greater purpose in Life than women.
As men, the things we value tend to be primal, vain and material. The lack of substance or credence in these values poorly feed our souls like a bad diet; the initial taste is appealing, but the harm done to our bodies far outweighs it. Take a simple look at these values and how we deem one man more “manly” than the next.
You’re more man than the next if you:
- Have more sexual encounters
- Are more endowed
- Drive a better car
- Live in a bigger house
- Have a more attractive wife, girlfriend or mistress
- Make more money
- Can physically impose your will
- Are taller or more athletic
- Are a celebrity/more famous
- Wear nicer clothes
- Lack emotions
Pretty shallow, right? Well, these are the building blocks of the male ego. Now you can start to see where the fragileness begins. My fellowman truly believes, in his heart of hearts, that these fleeting and hollow values define him as a man, but here’s where it gets a little messy. Remember that time you were with your woman and you were in the presence of a man who had a leg up on one of these values? What about two? Maybe three? How about the entire list?
You feel that? Those memories of envy, spitefulness, jealousy, insecurity, and paranoia start to creep back up don’t they? You trying to divert her attention away from that guy whose way more “man” than you. Just silently chipping away at that ego of yours that’s as fragile as the screen on your iPhone (sorry, Apple, nothing personal). Those feelings just don’t go away; in fact, they eat away at you. And if it happens consistently enough, you’ll take out your frustrations on the one person who’s not at fault…your woman. See if men changed their egomaniacal values they wouldn’t be as insecure about what another man has or whether their partner is lusting for another man’s possession.
It get’s messier. Your plan to spend generations indoctrinating men with these baseless principles worked a little bit too well, so much so that you’ve even programmed women to also believe those very same values define a man. But what happens when you don’t live up to such lofty standards? She hits the race faster than Tay-K off a Red Bull.
Now let’s say you don’t subscribe to this list of values. Answer me this then: why are you so intimated by a woman who wants to conquer and ascend to the same heights as you? What is it about a strong woman that just scares the living hell out of you?
Men are socially engineered to thinkof women as inferior while approaching all aspects of life as dictatorships. He’s king of the castle and captain of the ship, but this is where cognitive dissonance adds a few more cracks to men’s egos when trying to conceptualize women as equal beings. That alpha woman, or one that is on the path to get as close as possible, doesn’t fall victim to the spells men attempt to cast upon her.
See all the material values don’t mean much when she can afford them as well. You can’t refute or scoff at her input because that merit-based promotion she just earned validates her intellect. God forbid she has an opinion that differs from yours. If you’re lucky, she might expect you to actually live up to the same levels of physical fitness you expect of her (I hear male egos cracking. Relax. It get’s worse, bro).
All this will only force you to look in the mirror and you’ll probably hate what you see…mediocrity…at best. My brother, you’ll begin to realize that you don’t truly know who you are. That your life has been a lie. That the world has primed you to be weak, and in that weakness, an epiphany will arise that will shake that fragile foundation: You need her just as much, if not more, than she needs you…
Men lack dominion of women in this truth; she’s no longer a possession like your material items, she can’t be “controlled”, she can match your effort, she can find sexual stimulation elsewhere, she can actually find….*wait on it*….BETTER.
Such a daunting reality adds deeper cracks to the ego with dire consequences. Because the male ego is so fragile, he offends and abuses the female’s ego, which in turn creates a cycle of her potentially raising a male with a fragile ego as well.
I’ll take it even deeper, your fragility is so apparent that she’ll spare your very existence all in the name of “uplifting” you. Solely to make you feel good about yourself. You’ve been so coddled by this world that you’re blind to your underdevelopment. It’s almost like that scene in Rocky III when Mickey, Rocky’s trainer, tells him the brutal truth that the fighters from Rocky’s last ten title defenses were all hand-picked.
The lesser competition was purposely chosen because the beast that was once Rocky was now “civilized” by the glitz and glamor of fame. Mickey knew that Rocky couldn’t handle a fighter who had the fortitude he now lacked. See, even Rocky had a fragile ego to some degree and the truth absolutely floored him, but he needed it. A lot you need it as well.
The fragility of the male ego is the sole contributor to the suppression of woman, and it is THIS we have to be wary of. My brother, you have a mother, one day you’ll have a daughter, nieces and female grandchildren. You probably have sisters, aunts and female cousins. Now look at the world you live in, look at your male privilege, the society it has created and realize that these women you hold so dear to your heart are prisoners in this asylum we call ego.
These very women can blossom and leave an undeniable mark on human history. Imagine a world with another Gwendolyn Brooks, Asha-Rose Migiro, Coretta Scott King, Wilma Rudolph, Sojourner Truth, Mary McLeod Bethune or Michaëlle Jean. Envision the impact of another Shirley Chisholm, Madam C.J. Walker, Maya Angelou, Oprah, Angela Rye, Fannie Lou Hamer, or Dorothy Height. The list goes on, but you get my point. These women and women are alike are so few and far between and it’s not by choice. If you moved your ego aside, I’m sure you saw a world that dwarfs the one we live in today.
Such a shift in paradigms is essential to the progression and ascension of humankind. I mean how advanced of a species do you think we really are? Look at the potential of the human mind, just one. Now start to add all the minds that have been marginalized, dismissed or silenced in just the last 100 years of existence. Not just in America, but EVERYWHERE. What is our potential conversion rate? Where would we be as a people? If you understand the gravity of these questions you’ll begin to understand that our “advancement” is set at a pretty low bar.
But I’m only one man. I can hold the mirror in front you, but I can’t force you to look. Maybe you’ll take a quick peek on that fateful day your daughter runs up to you with aspirations of being the first female whatever and you have to explain to her that it’s not possible because she’s…*wait for it*…a girl.
Awwww…doesn’t crushing her dreams just warm your heart?
Abdris