Sexual abuse in a relationship is not commonly discussed as much as verbal and physical abuse. Abuse is a repeated pattern of behavior that intentionally hurts or harms another person.
In intimate relationships, various forms of abuse are used to gain power and control over one's partner. More clearly defined, sexual abuse in a relationship refers to any unwanted, emotional and/or physical coercion into sexual acts or activities that hurts or harms the partner.
Sexual abuse also includes unwanted or undesired verbal communication that belittles or suppresses a partner’s sexual competency or confidence.
Have you ever given your partner an ultimatum that if sex didn’t come often you will find it somewhere else? Has your partner ever told you that certain acts or positions make them uncomfortable but yet you made them feel guilty because you wanted it despite their request?
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Using sex as a weapon can bevery dangerous mentally and physically in a relationship. Remember sexual intercourse and acts, no matter how casual, are the closets connections you can ever experience with any human being. Emotions immediately surface. That’s a part of the gratification process. That’s why it has a powerful impact on how we use it in relationships.
Sexual abuse in relationships perpetuates harmful levels of communication. Both partners can experience resentment, loss of natural affection, and diminished pleasure in being in each other’s company. For the partner that is exposed to the abuse, decreased trust in the relationship and self-confidence is negatively impacted.
Sexual abuse in a relationship can be escalated to where both partners fight for power and control over each other’s decision to be intimate and under what circumstances.
- Awareness of more specific behaviors of sexual abuse includes but is not limited to:
- Restricting a partner from using or accessing birth control or condoms
- Unwanted kissing and/or touching
- Continued threats that sex will be sought with someone else
- Continued request to perform sex acts despite communication to stop
- Frequent belittling or making a partner feel guilty for practicing abstinence or celibacy
- Using drugs or alcohol to coerce a partner into having sex or perform sex acts
- Using physical force to have unwanted sex with a partner
- Using sex as a collateral for self-gain and gratification
Sexual abuse is not a relationship issue. It is an individual issue that must be addressed whether in a relationship or not. Self- examination of how you have conducted yourself in previous relationships will enable you to start your process of change. Most times, a person does not address past or present sexual abuse practices until there are legal consequences.
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However, being proactive can minimize repeated victimization, eliminate intentional abusive behaviors in healthy relationships, and allow you to truly assess if you and your partner are compatible.
If your abusive behavior goes unaddressed, the chances of repeated offenses with multiple chances of victimizing increase. Thereby, reflecting a lifestyle that thrives in cycles of abuse. It is not worth it. There are intervention programs and certified counselors that specialize in helping people address these issues.
Kimberly Thomas, Ed. D. in Counseling Psychology is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Chicago, Illinois. She specializes in Partner Violence Intervention, Substance Use Disorders, and Anger Management. Her volunteer work includes helping build faith-based community programs, workshops, and community awareness campaigns. When Dr. Thomas is not working, she enjoys being a mother, singing and attending retreats.
