Resilience isn’t a skill we’re born with but an attribute that we acquire over time. Resiliency is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or toughness. It’s the ability to spring back to its natural state after it has been tried. A person being resilient is like being a human slinky according, to Dr. Jon Wortmann author of the book “Hijacked by Your Brain”.
A slinky can be stretched and bent out of shape several times but it always seems to bounce back rather quickly. We all have some form of resiliency whether we realize it or not. I recently had the opportunity to talk with one woman who is not only resilient, but she shows a human strength that is absolutely incredible.
LaTrice "Elle" Davis is a steadfast professional striving to make organizations and people better. As a trained Social Worker with nearly two decades of non-profit management experience, Elle has always had an affinity towards people; inspiring them to see the best in every situation.
This optimistic attitude was put to the test in 2014 when Elle unexpectedly became a widow. Losing her husband was devastating and one of the lowest points of her life. Instead of allowing that loss to overtake her, Elle began to share her story and encouraging others who were facing their own obstacles.
Born of that loss is her signature talk, Resilient Living: Turning Your Obstacles into Opportunities. She has also created a beautiful online community called Circle of Wives which is designed to encourage and equip women on the "wife journey."
BDO: Can you explain howyour life drastically changed over the last couple of years?
ED: On April 16, 2014, I woke up filled with joy. As an entrepreneur, I had a flexible schedule that I thoroughly enjoyed. My family unit was as I’d hoped for; being a wife and a mom. Of course, there were challenges that existed, but nothing seemed daunting that Paul and I couldn’t handle. I was in a good place and felt excited about the path ahead for the Davis crew. Part of that excitement came from the conversation my husband and I had that morning. We talked and shared about our dreams and vision for the future. We were both on fire with ideas and knew that together we would be able to accomplish some great things.
Well, before the day ended, my world was completely shaken with the unexpected death of my husband. He had been complaining of cramps in his leg after attempting to play tennis that day. When I got in the bed a little before 10 p.m., he was already laying down and insisted he didn’t need anything. I closed my eyes, confident that he’d feel better by morning. Before morning had the chance to come, I discovered that my husband had died in his sleep...one month after our daughter turned two; two months before our third wedding anniversary; three months before his 50th birthday. I remember thinking…” I can’t do this without him.” I was talking about living; parenting. I was devastated.
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Losing my husband was a complete shock to my system and broke my heart like nothing I had ever experienced before. I wanted to crawl in my bed and hide under the covers. until someone told me the nightmare was over. I wanted to run away from everyone and everything to a secret place and cry my eyes out until all the tears dried up.
Instead, I looked at my baby girl and decided to push forward with every ounce of energy I could muster up. For her, I had to adjust the sails to go with the windstorm that had just blown my way. In an instant, I became a widowed mom, responsible for the livelihood of myself and this beautiful child we created. I was used to taking care of myself. I became overwhelmed thinking about all the decisions I would have to make about my daughter, the parent-teacher conferences and the questions that would come about why she doesn’t have a daddy.
In our house, Paul took care of bath time and bedtime. Let me tell you the first time I had to take on those two tasks, along with working, dinner and other household chores...I was one wiped out mama! I’ll say it time and again, children are not meant to be raised in single-parent homes. Yes, it can be done, but it is not ideal.
Today, having a 6-year-old, school-age child, I struggle with being the only one responsible for helping with homework time and making sure she has multiple perspectives about life. I sometimes find myself resentful at this hand I was dealt. Because of those moments, I have learned to pause and give myself a timeout when life gets overwhelming. Ensuring, my daughter Simone gets to bed on time is imperative to my mental health, so that I can have time to myself.
It’s my time to download the day and plot my next moves to continue to expose her to the world around us. It’s a double-edged sword because it’s also the time that I miss having someone to share in those thoughts and conversations that happen in my head.
BDO: What has helped you cope through the most difficult times in your life?
ED: By far, my village is as strong as they come, my faith in God, therapy and the hugs and kisses from Simone have all been, and continue to be, instrumental in me getting through the tough times. The African proverb says, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Well, it also takes a village to raise a widow and her child. The village has been the glue to help repair my broken heart. My mom steps in on weeknights, weekends and for getaways. She gets mad at me if I don’t ask her first to watch Simone.
My sister-in-law has come up from Peoria to help when I want to travel. And, Simone has spent a week at the end of the summer for the past two years. My friends (and even well-known associates) have offered their babysitting services so that I can have a few moments to myself. It’s quite phenomenal the support I have received and continue to receive even four years later.
My faith in God has kept me sane; knowing and believing there is a greater purpose for this journey. I have not inherited the title ofwidow for nothing. Although there are days when I am mad at God, I press forward because, during this loss, I have gained wings of wisdom, courage and a resolve I did not previously possess.
I was in therapy three weeks after Paul passed. If I knew nothing else, I knew that aside from my community, I need a professional help that would allow me to process the many thoughts swimming through my head and the emotions drowning my spirit. I went to therapy every week for just over a year.
I talked about the guilt I felt of not recognizing that something was wrong with my husband. I talked about the struggles of explaining to Simone that her daddy couldn’t come back. I talked about how I was angry with God for taking my husband. I talked about how my marriage was cut short and I desire to be married again. I talked. I cried. I thought. I journaled. All as a part of my therapy towards healing my heart and refocusing my thoughts on being the best mom to Simone and the best person I could be to the world.
Lastly, every time I looked at those big brown eyes and listened to that voice that longed for her daddy (she was born a daddy’s girl), I knew I had to push through every ounce of pain to provide for her. At certain points, overcompensating for the loss we suffered. Simone has shown me that even after my tears and moments of sadness, I am still the person she looks to for guidance and to protect her.
BDO: What advice would you give to someone who recently lost a spouse?
ED: I’ve been fortunate to have people introduce me to women recently widowed and my heart aches for them. I know their pain and their uncertainty, all too well, especially those with small children. The advice that I have often given is this:
● Therapy for at least a year. Therapy allows you to talk through all of the “stuff” going through your mind. You will have someone help you sort out what has a connection to you inanother wayy.
● Journal. You will want to write down all the things that come to you. If not initially, going back to read the journal will often assist you in your healing process.
● Get with the community. Stay connected with people through support groups, hanging with friends. Most people will gravitate towards being alone, but the energy of people (positive people) will support you on your grief journey.
BDO: How has your journey helped you encourage other women in their marriage?
ED: As a part of my healing process, I have been drawn to wives that have been married less than five years. I want to impress upon them to fill their homes; their marriages with gratitude and love.
Why? No moment is promised to any of us. I want them to be self-aware of the baggage they may be bringing into their home and how they should intentionally work to eliminate the distractions and strife. Through a movement, I call Circle of Wives (www.circleofwives.com), I host retreats for wives to come together in a, judgment free, safe space to share their struggles and challenges in marriage.
I tell them my story and remind them that they could be in my shoes. When presented with that perspective, they often reflect on what they do have and make amends to change their negative into a positive.
The instant I realized my husband was gone, none of his corny ways seemed like a bother. I didn’t care that he didn’t fold the clothes the way I did. Or, that he wouldn’t always wash the dishes right away. None of that stuff mattered.
At that moment, I only wanted my husband back. I instantly learned that I had taken him for granted, although I told myself I never would. Every day, I wish my husband were here; I wish away being a widow.
I admonish women to really think about if what they are angry about will matter in three or six months. Typically, the answer is no. I say...love on him with every ounce of energy you can muster up. Show gratitude and don’t miss a day outwardly expressing love.
BDO: Is there anything you want to readers to know that I didn’t ask?
ED: Resilience is a choice that we must make each day. The end of your spouse’s life does not mean the end of your life. While the journey of grief takes many twists and turns, it’s one of your wake-up calls to get busy living and doing all the great things you were born to do.
LaTrice "Elle" Davis
Elle is available for speaking opportunities as well as personal and professional development workshops. Email: [email protected]
Instagram: @elledavisspeaks
Twitter: @ElleDavisSpeaks
