It Doesn’t Have To Be Weird: How To Talk To Your Partner About Getting Tested

Before having sex with a new partner, you should talk about STIs. You might tell yourself that skipping this talk is fine. But we live in the real world, where that's not always the case. So what gives? Who wants to hear about your last STI test or how your ex gave you chlamydia five years ago? Can't you just assume that if this person had something to say about it, they would? Your last test for STIs came back clean. You have condoms. Everything should be fine, right? We know how tempting it is to ignore this whole thing.

Here's Why You Need To Have The Talk

Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist in New York, tells SELF, "Ultimately, this conversation is about sexual health, but there's a cultural bias that makes it feel like you're accusing someone if you talk about STIs." "There are still many negative attitudes."

The most important thing to remember is that asking someone about STIs does not mean you think they are promiscuous or lying. Anyone can get an STD, and many of them have no symptoms at all. If you say, "Oh, he'd tell me if he had an STI," you're assuming they just got tested, which you may not have discussed yet. Also, saying, "I'm sure she doesn't have an STI," is probably not true since you can't tell if someone has an STI without testing them.

There are a lot of different reasons why the rates of many STDs are going up. And while some STIs, like chlamydia and gonorrhea, can be cured with medicine, others, like herpes and HIV, can't be cured. So, yes, you need to talk with this person, even if you've already had sex with them.

Even STIs that can't be cured are often treatable, and people with these conditions can still live full, happy, and sex-filled lives. Even so, getting an STI doesn't have to ruin your life. But it's usually easier to avoid STIs, especially those spread through bodily fluids than to deal with them after they happen. That's why it's so important to talk about STIs with your sexual partner (or partners).

Here's How To Bring It Up

How you talk about STIs depends a lot on how your relationship is going. Of course, there's no hard and fast rule for how to do this. Even with all the help in the world, it might still be a little awkward. But here are some ideas that might be useful.

If It's At The Moment Before Sex With A New Person

The moment right before might seem like impossible timing, but even so, you should still ask. How they answer this question can tell you a lot about them. But unless you know for sure that your partner just got tested and hasn't had sex with anyone else since then, you should assume they have an STI and have the safest sex possible. So, you might need to use a condom, a dental dam, or both. (Remember that these barrier methods don't protect against all STIs, since some, like herpes and HPV, can be spread through skin-to-skin contact.)

You can ask your partner if they have any of these barrier methods or pull one out yourself. Fleming suggests saying something like, "Since we haven't been tested together, we definitely need to use a [barrier method]."

This is also a great way to set the stage if you want to have more sex with this person. "The idea is that you will be tested at some point," Fleming says.

If You've Been Seeing Someone And Want To Get Tested Before Having Sex

Tosin Goje, M.D., an OB/GYN at the Cleveland Clinic, says that she often sees women who want to be checked out before having sex with a new partner. Dr. Goje tells SELF that you should also talk to your partner and have them checked out.

Even though it's great that you brought this up, it might be best to do so when neither of you is in a sexual state of mind. If you're a little scared to talk about it, say so. You can say something like, "I'm nervous to talk to you about this, but it looks like we might be having sex soon, and it's important to me that we get tested for STIs first."

You can also get tested and start things off by telling people the results. This can make it clear that bringing up STI testing is not a way to judge or shame your partner. It's a normal thing to do when you have sex with a new person. Fleming suggests saying something like, "I went to get a test because it seems like we're going to have sex soon. When did you last get tested?"

If You've Had Sex With Them Already

You might have been using condoms or dental dams until now, but you want to stop. If you don't know what to say, keep it simple: "If we're going to stop using condoms or dental dams, we need to get tested. Just in case."

Maybe you got caught up in the moment and had sex without protection, and now you're wondering if you can keep doing that with this person. Try saying, "I know we haven't been using protection, but if we're going to keep doing that, we should get tested so we can enjoy it safely."

Again, it might be easier to talk about these things when you're not about to have intercourse. And if you're going to have sex with someone without protection, you should also talk to them about not having sex with others without protection.

What If They Aren't Receptive?

We want everyone to be willing to talk about their sexual health with the person they're about to have sex with. But because there is a real stigma around STIs, even someone who is a total catch could be confused or offended. They might change their minds quickly if you tell them why it's important to you.

"If you finally tell them that you can't change your mind and they still say no, you may want to consider whether this is the right partner for you," says Fleming. "That's a red flag if they don't consider what you need to be comfortable."

Fleming says that if you find yourself in this situation, you should say something like, "I've never seen this reaction before. Can you explain why you don't want to be tested?" You can also say that trust has nothing to do with it if you haven't been tested recently and that you're also looking out for their health.

What If Either One Of You Tests Positive?

You might have sex immediately to celebrate when you both get your test results. But if one of you gets an STI, you should talk to your doctor about what that means for your sexual life. If you've already had sex with this person, you might want to speak to them about whether they should also get tested and treated. If you are taking antibiotics, you might need to avoid alcohol.

It can be scary to tell your partner you have a sexually transmitted infection, but it might not be as bad as you think.

Also, if you and a new partner get tested at the same time, there is a chance that one of you already has an STI. Make sure you are given enough medical information to explain why your specific STI isn't the end of the world, like how long treatment will last or what medicines you'll be taking to lower the chance of spreading the infection.

Remember: You Got This!

If someone treats you badly because you talk about STIs or have one, they probably aren't worth your time. If you talk about STI tests or the fact that you have an STI, there is always a chance that someone will be mean to you, ghost you, or do something else rude.

It's up to them to decide who they want to have sex with and who they don't. But if someone treats you badly because you want to take care of your sexual health, they probably aren't a good person to be with in the first place.