in a sexual state of mind. If you’re a little scared to talk about it, say so. You can say something like, “I’m nervous to talk to you about this, but it looks like we might be having sex soon, and it’s important to me that we get tested for STIs first.”
You can also get tested and start things off by telling people the results. This can make it clear that bringing up STI testing is not a way to judge or shame your partner. It’s a normal thing to do when you have sex with a new person. Fleming suggests saying something like, “I went to get a test because it seems like we’re going to have sex soon. When did you last get tested?”
If You’ve Had Sex With Them Already
You might have been using condoms or dental dams until now, but you want to stop. If you don’t know what to say, keep it simple: “If we’re going to stop using condoms or dental dams, we need to get tested. Just in case.”
Maybe you got caught up in the moment and had sex without protection, and now you’re wondering if you can keep doing that with this person. Try saying, “I know we haven’t been using protection, but if we’re going to keep doing that, we should get tested so we can enjoy it safely.”
Again, it might be easier to talk about these things when you’re not about to have intercourse. And if you’re going to have sex with someone without protection, you should also talk to them about not having sex with others without protection.
What If They Aren’t Receptive?
We want everyone to be willing to talk about their sexual health with the person they’re about to have sex with. But because there is a real stigma around STIs, even someone who is a total catch could be confused or offended. They might change their minds quickly if you tell them why it’s important to you.
“If you finally tell them that you can’t change your mind and they still say no, you may want to consider whether this is the right partner for you,” says Fleming. “That’s a red flag if they don’t consider what you need to be comfortable.”
Fleming says that if you find yourself in this situation, you should say something like, “I’ve never seen this reaction before. Can you explain why you don’t want to be tested?” You can also say that trust has nothing to do with it if you haven’t been tested recently and that you’re also looking out for their health.
RELATED: Don’t Ignore This! Long-term Effects of Untreated STDs
What If Either One Of You Tests Positive?
You might have sex immediately to celebrate when you both get your test results. But if one of you gets an STI, you should talk to your doctor about what that means for your sexual life. If you’ve already had sex with this person, you might want to speak to them about whether they should also get tested and treated. If you are taking antibiotics, you might need to avoid alcohol.
It can be scary to tell your partner you have a sexually transmitted infection, but it might not be as bad as you think.
Also, if you and a new partner get tested at the same time, there is a chance that one of you already has an STI. Make sure you are given enough medical information to explain why your specific STI isn’t the end of the world, like how long treatment will last or what medicines you’ll be taking to lower the chance of spreading the infection.
Remember: You Got This!
If someone treats you badly because you talk about STIs or have one, they probably aren’t worth your time. If you talk about STI tests or the fact that you have an STI, there is always a chance that someone will be mean to you, ghost you, or do something else rude.
It’s up to them to decide who they want to have sex with and who they don’t. But if someone treats you badly because you want to take care of your sexual health, they probably aren’t a good person to be with in the first place.