For the purpose of this article, "struggle love" is referring to a relationship where one partner experiences long term stress as a result of the other partner’s actions or inactions during their relationship. Examples of struggle love include cheaters in monogamous relationships, people who ghost and return when they choose only to ghost again, and any other relationship where one partner is waiting for the other partner to choose to respect and honor their relationship.
Rasheeda Frost is the poster child for struggle love. Tiny Harris is another great example. We know now via 4:44 that Beyonce served her time in struggle love as well.
“I seen the innocence leave your eyes
I still mourn this death and
I apologize for all the stillborns 'cause I wasn’t present
Your body wouldn’t accept it”
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-Jay Z
I imagine women of all races experience some level of struggle love. However, in the black community, it sometimes feels as if it is a requirement before marriage or monogamous commitment. You can hear examples of struggle love throughout our communities when some men explain why they chose their spouse.
It usually sounds something like“She stood by me through everything”, similar to a recent Instagram post from Gucci Mane about his wife, Keyshia Kaoir. As if enduring the pain of struggle love is a reason for reward, honor, and commitment. Our families are full of relationships built on struggle love. Our friendships have stories of struggle love. Even some of our churches are led by men whose wives are survivors of struggle love. For generations, black women have accepted pain before love.
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While I’m sure there are black men who’ve waited for their partner to get it right, it’s usually the other way around. In our community, we expect black women to love black men until they are ready to reciprocate that love. However, black men usually do a great job of walking away when they see red flags. They should continue to do so as struggle love is actually harmful to the recipient.
A study found that emotional pain from an unwanted breakup activated similar parts of the brain as physical pain. In fact, another study found that Tylenol helped reduce grief.
Now, I’m a matchmaker and not a doctor. I’m not at all suggesting you start taking Tylenol for heartbreak. I’m simply pointing out how science has found emotional pain and physical pain activate the same areas in the brain. In other words, struggle love could affect your health, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “love hurts.”
We know no one is perfect. We also know not all black men expect women to participate in struggle love. However, we know this behavior is far too common in our community. Relationships that cause consistent, long term stress as a result of struggle love are not the type of relationships we should pursue or encourage.
It is not an accomplishment to endure emotional abuse for long periods of time. Standing by your partner for years while they take advantage of your loyalty and vulnerability is not a measure of strength. On the other hand, it is a measure of love. It’s not a measure of love for your partner or your family, but a measure of love for yourself.
We shouldn’t celebrate these types of relationships. Know what your deal breakers are and communicate them with your partner in the beginning. If he or she chooses to break those boundaries, learn to walk away. There are quality black men who will reciprocate your love without expecting you to prove you’re worthy after years of struggle.
