Slowly, my eyes made their way up his blue-mist colored scrubs, to his face that seemed to be growing paler by the second. Then, our eyes locked. He seemed transfixed, though he kept moving toward me. It was as if he was being pulled into the chaos, drawing closer to me, and closer to the truth that this was all happening because of him. It was happening because he hadn’t listened to me. It was happening because he hadn’t treated my symptoms.
Even though what I was going through was Dr. Walter’s fault, I was desperate and so, my mind pleaded with him. “Please, help me!”
But just as quickly, the plea in my mind was followed by, “I tried to tell you that I couldn’t breathe. And now, because of you, I’m dying.”
Dread and doom were in his eyes as I labored to breathe. And he labored the same way. As the air left my body, it seemed to be doing the same to him. Finally, he broke his gaze away from him and his eyes took a slow tour around the room filled with frenzied doctors and nurses.
When he turned back to me, his entire essence seemed to say, “What have I done?”
I wanted to scream that this was all his fault. He was the reason why I would never see my baby. It was because of him that I wouldn’t get to love my husband anymore. It was entirely his fault that my father would blame himself for the rest of his life.
But I couldn’t scream any of that because that was the moment I felt it. My last ounce of strength was being squeezed from me. In my mind and my spirit, I knew this was it. This was the end. So, I had to use this energy and this moment wisely.
With all the strength I had left, I lifted my head and raised my eyes toward the ceiling. I inhaled, then exhaled, calling out, “Jesus, please help me.”
That was it! My fingers that had held such a tight grip, relaxed and with nothing to hold me up, I crashed back on the bed. I heard the thud as I fell back. I was in the position I feared the most — I was flat on my back.
But this time, I didn’t want to scream. I felt no pain. So, all I did was close my eyes and give in. I gave in to the white light.
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