By now, we’ve all watched, or heard about the docuseries, Surviving R. Kelly that aired on Lifetime last week. The docuseries featured testimony from women who claimed to have “survived” the King of R&B’s sexual misconduct, predatory behavior, and pedophilia. While Lifetime is noting these claims to be “allegations”, a lot of them don’t come as a surprise.
Since early 2000, the now shamed R&B artist, have received a lot of attention in the media as this sexual predator, mostly after the infamous sex tape revealed what appeared to be the singer having sex with an underaged girl. R. Kelly went to trial for this tape, but was ultimately found “not guilty”, mainly due to the prosecution not being able to prove that the woman in the video was actually underaged. So it seemed, along with the ‘Not Guilty’ verdict, people seemingly forgave the singer and moved on from the situation, making light of the fact that he may or may not be a sexual predator, but for certain, was and will always be the King of R&B.
The allegations and rumors against R. Kelly never fainted his success. Even when we “kinda believed” he married the young singer, Aaliyah, we still allowed him to make hit songs; producing and writing for some of the greatest talent ever. We continued to Step in the Name of Love as Happy People, neglecting the singer’s dark past. The more he proved himself as the King of R&B, through his music, the more the industry, and the world forgave him--the more we swept his past under the rug. As long as we didn’t see his truth, and the more he “apologized” by way of his music, all was well.
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But now. The recent uproar.
Bringing light to R. Kelly’s disturbing and rather disgusting sexual past, by way of TV and social media, has somehow forced us to see him for the sexual predator he really is, and the sexual predator we’ve ignored, and glorified.
Many of Kelly’s victims went on to publish booksdetailing their experience dealing with his sexual misconduct. Others have toured the country doing interviews and using their personal social media pages to draw light to their victimization caused by Kelly, and their survival, because of it.
The Lifetime docuseries served as the icing on the cake that finally opened the eyes of people to see R. Kelly as the monster he truly is--as the monster, he’s always been.
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I want to be very clear in my next statement.
I do not condone, excuse, or make light of anything that R. Kelly has allegedly done. No one should. I find it all to be rather disgusting, and quite frankly, painful to witness.
I believe in the #muteRKelly movementthat has swept our country, and believe that people have the right to participate in whatever movement they feel will do their heart some good.
I believe that R. Kelly will have his judgment day, and maybe that time is now. Maybe, it should have been time, but maybe, we weren’t ready to believe that the man who gave us the iconic, I Believe I Can Fly, was a monster. It was easier to sweep that belief underneath a rug, as long as he gave us dope music.
That, is what needs to be discussed: This Carpet. This Dirty Rug.
The docuseries opened my eyes to a lot of important discussions that need to happen, most of what we already know, but for some reason, would rather keep hidden.
Things like:
- Sexual trauma and young boys
- Protecting our black girls: Loving our black girls
- The Glorification of young boys being sexually involved with older women
- The importance of parents’ involvement and influence in their child’s lives
- Mental health and black people; the importance of therapy
It is very important
during this time to shift our focus to things that we can change, and positively influence, within our culture. It is so easy to lose sight of the bigger picture by solely focusing on the predator we’ve known R. Kelly to be, instead of the education we want to come from this.
It was revealed in the docuseries that R. Kelly and his brothers were sexually victimized, traumatized, and demoralized as young boys; R. Kelly, from age 7 to 13. The docuseries showed testimony from his two brothers, the very oldest, who was interviewed from jail.
I remember a statement from that brother, that stood out.
“I like older women. R. Kelly happens to like younger women. So, why is everybody mad at my brother for his preference.”
Hearing that, immediatelystruck a chord. I can’t imagine the type of trauma that someone would have to endure to defend anyone having a sexual preference for younger women. This is the kind of thinking and mentality that has been swept under the rug. But now is the time to talk about this and circulate healthy discussions.
The truth is this: We don’t want to believe that boys, or men, can be sexually victimized. Seeing a man as a victim is not as easy as seeing a woman as one, so we’ve learned to build this very damaging wall around sexual trauma, and boys. Because we typically see boys as being more sexually curious and aggressive than girls, we uphold them to the expectation that they can protect themselves, better. In believing this, we’ve disregarded them as potential victims.
Here are the facts:
- Boys and men can be sexually used or abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are
- If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault
- Girls and women can sexually abuse boys
- Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to sexually abuse others
- Not understanding these facts is understandable, but harmful, and needs to be overcome
This is how sexual trauma can be different in males:
- The stereotype: Not What’s Supposed to Happen to Males
- Proving Manhood and Self-Protection
- Confusion or Fears About Your Sexuality
(https://www.jimhopper.com/child-abuse/sexual-abuse-of-boys/how-it-can-be-different-for-men/)
Having unwanted orabusive sexual experiences means being sexually used or dominated, vulnerable and flooded by intense emotions. All of these things are opposite of how males are supposed to be. This is what makes their reality a bit difficult to grasp, or understand.
A boy’s confidence and self-esteem can greatly depend on how ‘manly’ they feel, and how manly they believe others see them as being. This causes them to feel the need to prove their manhood as they grow older, which can be done in numerous ways.
It is a myth that males are never sexually abused in ways that leave them sometimes feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed, and it’s a myth we need to sweep from under the rug. The sexual traumatization in boys means suffering from negative effects, but not realizing what happened was harmful or that it’s related to current problems.
A lot of boys grow older, too ashamed to seek help, due to the widespread ignorance in society, regarding the rarity that sexual trauma is reserved for girls. We should teach our young boys to be aware of the experiences that were harmful, and educate them that they can overcome those traumatizations, and be manly at the same time.
There’s a thing called generationalabuse, or cycle of abuse, from victim to predator, that need to unveiled from this rug.
It isn’t talked about enough, because we don’t want to believe that it can happen. But it can, and it does.
It’s something about burying the secrets that give us comfort, that we fail to realize that these are unhealthy ways to cope, and especially deal with trauma. For boys, in particular, it is practically unheard of.
Boys can be victims. Boys need healing too.
I wish R. Kelly would have been exposed to the kind of environment he needed to tackle the sexual demons that attacked his innocence as a child, which he allowedto matriculate into his adulthood. There’s a 7-year-old boy inside of him that didn’t heal or wasn’t provided the resources to heal. Instead, that 7-year-old boy grew up to selfishly take that same pain, trauma, and confusion of sex, and inflict it onto others; his now survivors.
That is not someone who should be celebrated, or glorified--even if he made us believe we could fly.
Surviving the Rug starts with this. Creating healthy discussions with our children about sexual normalization and giving them the accessibility to be open with their parents and trusted guardians about their sexual experiences, and pasts.
That’s where we start.
I casually use the word “We” because this must be a collective effort. This isn’t an isolated issue only reserved for R. Kelly and his victims. This is a ‘We’ thing. We should all take accountability for the part we can play in protecting our children, and preserving their futures.
...Because it’s there, where the surviving can begin.
Abril Green (Edwards) is an author, spoken word artist & motivational speaker; founder of #BumpyButNotBlocked Ministries & Spoken WorDship where she spits "Poetry with A Purpose". Currently a Literacy Interventionist at Chicago Public Schools, Abril believes "the greatest relationship outside of Man and His Higher Power, is between a Pen and HER Paper."
