Last week, the brothers spoke candidly with BlackDoctor.org about their perspective on holding the men in their circle accountable for their actions. The conversation sparked so much debate that we had to follow up with the female perspective to see what it’s like to be on the other side. We asked the women how they felt about the belief that men don’t hold one another accountable and also how they felt about their man’s choice in friends. Of course, the sisters had a lot to say. We hope you enjoy this conversation as much as we did.
Koleta Smith, 26, Chicago, IL
I personally do not believe that men hold each other accountable and I am a witness to this. Men, in general, feel as though if the situation has nothing to do with them then they don't feel the need to say anything. I can't count how many times I've seen men shrug situations off and say "that's his business" or "that's a grown a** man". I also believe that some men are scared to confront another man. I'm not exactly sure what they're scared of, but in some situations I've witnessed, you can feel the fear in the air.
Example: A woman feels disrespected by her man's friend. Instead of the man being firm about the disrespect, he'll either tell the woman it wasn't that serious, say "I will talk to him about it tomorrow", or "(chuckles) Aye bro, that wasn't cool (chuckles again)" ...what's funny?…
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Issues never get solved if you handle them in that manner. This is why holding men accountable for their actions is important because how else are they going to know that what they're doing is wrong? It is even more important for a man to do it, instead of women, due to the fact that men look up to one another. Even if he feels like his advice is not going to be received he should still speak up. They may not believe it but they are their brothers and women are affected by it daily.
Keita Hopton, 33, Houston TX
I think men struggle with holding each other accountable for their actions for many reasons. The first that comes to my mind is that they don’t want to lose credibility or allegiance with their boys. Granted, it takes a real man to call out another on their BS, but it also takes a certain type of man to accept it. Whenever you throw stones you have to be prepared for whatever comes back in your direction, and I think that is where the hesitancy comes into play. We all know nobody is perfect. However, if Ron doesn’t mention that his boy probably shouldn’t be getting numbers from other women while his fiancé is at home, Ron won’t have to hear about how he should probably stop lying to his girl about whatever he’s been lying to her about. It’s easier to keep quiet rather than to open yourself up to persecution.
My other thought is that men feel it’s not their business to get involved in other men’s issues. Maybe they think sometimes it’s best to keep quiet and just be a good friend. The sad part about that is that as a friend, it’s kind of your job to be that voice of reason and do what you can to make sure your friends shine. The five people you spend the most time with are a reflection of you, right? So, play your part and bring important things to the table when the opportunity calls for it.
I definitely take inventory of the types of friends my guy, or pre-guy, has in his circle. I think it’s a reflection of who he is. If his homeboys are bums, or liars, broke or underachievers, I’m going to wonder why he would spend his time with people like that, and what parts of them are waiting to be seen in him. You attract what you put out. Having good people with good values and energy in your circle is a must.
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Jene Mitchell, 32, Chicago, IL
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. And the answer is so murky. It can be tracked back to having a solid family unit. In my family, the men talk, they talk about family, kids, work and God. And we see each other as a family at least once a month. And I’m talking 20 people, going to someone’s house for no reason and just hanging. The men in my family aren’t abusive, and if one was, I know it would get handled, it wouldn’t happen again. The men in my family raise their kids, whether they are married or not. The men in my family pray, be it if they are Muslim, or Christian. These are put forth as important things. And I think that having a group of men that care about how the others in their families behave is that accountability. When young men don’t have that, they don’t know what to do or how to do it as far as their behavior towards women. Having a good family unit also helps you pick good friends, who, at the end of the day, you will spend more time with than your family.
I also think it boils down to if a man has been raised to talk or shut up and power through. This isn’t about being emotional, although I think that men, and in my experience Black men, have had the emotions taught out of them. And if as a man, you don’t know how to deal with your emotions, you are more likely to act emotionally, and not rationally. But if you are taught to talk about what you are going through you are able to vocalize issues and not just talk with someone who will hold you accountable, but also be able to hold yourself accountable. React rationally, instead of lashing out emotionally.
So maybe men who can’t hold each other accountable for something they think is out of order, are afraid of how it will come off. They are afraid of how they will be viewed by that friend. Maybe they think it will make them look soft. Who knows. But what I do know is that if you are comfortable with your emotional intelligence then telling someone they are wrong, shouldn’t be an issue.
Keena Ray Alexander, 34, St. Louis, MO
I think that the men who are not saying anything are similar to the men who are abusive. The silent friend could be on the receiving end of the abuse and don't want to engage in anything negative with someone who's joining or disrespecting them the whole time they're hanging out. If any of that makes sense. I'm just speaking from experience. I've witnessed this abusive relation dynamic they both play a role of bully or the butt of the joke. Everyone plays a position. Some are the abuser and then some are the abused. Unfortunately it seems both types of men have self love issues.
And then there is the highly respected or powerful man in the community. People love and idolize him so much because he does everything right on the surface but some whom are closest to him or biz partners, they may just ignore because they don't want to "disrespect" this highly respected guy. This is fear, too. They may even turn what he's doing into something that's glorified with how crazy our society is.
Rhyan Robinson, 29, Detroit, MI
Viewing one group holistically can often get us all caught up in a negative mindset, hence the existence of sayings like “all men are dogs,” or “all women are crazy.” In my opinion, this phenomenon of groupthink hinders us from thinking as individuals. Therefore, when posed with the question, “Why don’t men hold other men accountable when they cheat?,” I must say that in my experience I’ve found that some men will hold other men accountable, while others won’t. The men who allow other men to cheat usually have fallen victim to the culturally accepted idea that being a playa is “where it’s at.” Since as long as I can remember, it’s always been cool to sleep around. Even extremely popular artists such as Tupac and Drake promote sexing as many women as they can. When popular culture condones a certain activity, the masses will follow. It takes a special type of man, person for that matter, to recognize that cheating is the easy way, and only a temporary fix for deeper problems that exist within a relationship.
As far as keeping tabs on the men my man decides to befriend, that’s for the birds. It’s already enough energy keeping tabs on one man (LOL). I’m content with the idea that my man is mature enough to influence himself and make his own decisions. If I find that he maneuvers in a different capacity, then that is a discussion we would surely need to put on the table ASAP.
Unnamed, 34, St. Louis, MO
I feel that some men do hold each other accountable, but then there are some males that turn the other cheek and walk the other way. I think that they feel that they don't belong in another man’s business, while others feel that it's their duty to hold them accountable. I also feel that men that have an invested interest in that male's life will hold each other to another standard. Men that want to play the game and do as they please will more than likely turn a blind eye so that when they are messing up no one can call them on the carpet.
When I was in a relationship, currently divorced, my husband's "friends"were for the most part nonexistent. When we dated, they tried to hold him accountable to being a Christian man and not sinning, but as soon as we said I do, they disappeared. I also noticed that as our marriage broke down, they started to "reappear" and tried to mend our wounds. Most, if not all, of his friends are faithfully married.
Candace Jarrett, 32, St. Louis, MO
I think the level with which men hold each other down increases as they age. In college I saw guys do a lot of foolish things and their friends were there with them egging them on and encouraging the behavior. I’ve seen men in their 20s/30s try to encourage male friends and family to no avail—be it to pool funds and start a business/investment together, or respecting the marriage bond. My mom told me a couple years ago, after I’d lost several close relationships after telling it like it is, that not all of your friends want you to speak truthfully to them. Sometimes friends just want a yes man or woman. At the end of the day, you are an individual and you are responsible for your actions.
I don’t inventory friends. I have to trust my partner to make good choices not matter who they befriend. Because I believe in personal responsibility I believe any choice a person makes is because they wanted to make that decision.
You’ve heard from both sides and now we want to hear from you. Drop us a line on our Facebook fan page to let us know how you feel about Black men holding each other accountable.
