Married, But Separate Bedrooms: Is It the Secret to a Stronger Relationship?

It may start innocently enough. You both have different schedules for sleeping and waking. One of you is asleep before the other and the still awake spouse does not want to risk waking the other. You head to the guest room so both of you can get a good night’s rest. Then, what starts as a one-night thing becomes a facile solution to a problem you didn’t even know you had (quality, uninterrupted rest) and you get a peaceful sleep. You start making the guest room your own with a cell phone charger and alarm, laying out your clothes for the next day, and equipping the guest bathroom to convert this new convenience into a complete pattern. A day or two out of the week becomes a regular routine.

Many people say that one of the perks of marriage is waking up to your “lovebud” after spending the night together. So, do separate bedrooms bespeak a crack in the foundation of a happy marriage, or is it a new solution for an even stronger relationship? The answer: it depends on how you got to separate bedrooms and why you continue to stay in them.

1. Considering the needs of your better half

If one or both of you have a demanding schedule and you don’t want to wake the other just as their sleep is getting to its R.E.M. sweet spot, separate bedrooms may be the answer. You are choosing the overall well-being of your mate, not escaping from or avoiding them. In much the same way that you would care for their needs in other areas of the relationship, you are affirming their needs over your own. As long as it’s not the result of a post-argument refuge and the lines of communication stay open, you shouldn’t worry, right? Or should you?

Open your mind to what a good night’s rest for your mate or yourself could mean if it starts before and without you and remain secure by rewriting your marriage story. A good marriage doesn’t necessarily have to end with staying in the same bedroom every night or at all. But if you decide to try this out as a couple, carefully note if this is a sacrifice or a considerate gift. If both of you don’t want it, then discuss the separate bedrooms’ impact on your relationship. Be willing to negotiate and reassess whether separate bedrooms lead to more peace or contribute to an already brewing greater divide.

2. Keeping the peace, not enforcing a punishment

When you are married and choosing separate bedrooms, you must stay keenly aware of whether this sleeping arrangement is a peaceful compromise for two busy people and does not mean a new way to enforce a punishment. When the lines of communication about the purpose get blurry, talk it out to remove any confusion or silent acceptance that is covering up a deeper discord or any apathy.

Having an argument and then retreating to separate bedrooms is a whole different vibe from a kiss and embrace before one of you goes to a separate bedroom to sleep while the other tends to other matters, like dealing with the kids, cleaning the kitchen after a shared meal, or catching your second wind as you tend to the demands of your career, if one of you works from home or has a big project that requires extra attention before calling it a night and heading for bed. Sleeping in separate bedrooms should be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for the good of each other in the relationship. It is not a healthy way to avoid your spouse or a life-giving option to cap off the end of an ongoing argument. Decide if separate bedrooms are temporary or permanent in duration and agree to keep connected.

3. Keep the spark alive and keep coming back to enjoy each other

Both of you must agree and build a structure to keep the love alive, which may seem challenging at different moments of considering or living with this sleeping arrangement. This is true if the separate bedroom compromise results in an occasional cooler reception, not ongoing good times, and regular amorous exchanges as a natural expression of your love.

At first, the passion may be as strong as when you first got together. As you get comfortable with the act of separate sleeping, it may become easier to forget about coming together for regular lovemaking and pillow talk. Separate bedrooms over time may mean a lessening but not necessarily a loss of easy touches and bedtime cuddles and require work to keep up the sexual expression that is a natural part of spouses sharing a bed.

Don’t feel like you must make an appointment to visit the other’s bedroom to have sex or just have a check-in chat. For some, the initial sparks of separation will ignite a flame, but for others, over time they will have to find a way to keep the home fires of passion burning.

Make the time it takes to stay connected. Don’t let separate bedrooms lead to rigidity in sex or having to schedule sex with your spouse. You might have to make more of an effort to find your way to remind each other that you are married, not roommates. Once the fire is kindled, however, nature will hopefully take its course and you will find an easy language physically and verbally to communicate that feeling in the guest room or the owner’s suite and have fun working at reuniting. Ultimately, it will be well worth it as you choose over and over again to come back to each other.

4. Out of sight, out of mind: don’t take the other for granted

Treasure the relationship. Enjoy one another. Keep your date nights and special positive surprises. The moment you begin to decrease cherishing your spouse who sleeps down the hall, the quicker you start taking each other for granted and putting the relationship’s growth on pause. The easier it is to take your spouse for granted, the easier it is to lead separate lives in more than the bedroom, transition from spouse to roommate, and from roommate to ships passing by each other, but not connecting.

5. Focus on an open door, don’t build a wall

It will also be important to keep a mental open door and not set up walls to keep the other out. When this happens, catch it and correct it quickly. Work to resolve the meta-issues at the foundation of the marriage and make it strong. You don’t want to jeopardize what you have built over the time of your relationship because of a change in sleeping separately that you just started.

Speak up. Listen. Remain aware and able to keep fluid compassion and support flexibility if you both see signs that separate bedrooms are not working out. Figure out together how you can make it work better with more and more open communication, for example.

6. Long-term, short-term, or occasionally

If you decide to try having separate bedrooms, keeping the lines of communication open is crucial. You will need to set up ground rules, be prepared to answer the tough questions that arise and deal with your children’s responses if you are also parents. Be clear about all the reasons why you want to do this and what it will look like: long-term, short-term, or occasionally for you as a couple, no matter how long you have been married. This is a change and will require some adjustment. Be open to first warning signs that tend to trickle down from separate bedrooms. Stay willing to work on issues that would have occurred in the relationship even if you continued to sleep in the same room and recognize them for what they are. Most of all, continue to find creative ways to connect with each other even though you may sleep apart.