When Kimberly looks back at life before her diagnosis, she remembers a long stretch of days that felt heavier than she could carry. She isolated herself from friends and family. She hid behind a mask that said she was fine even when she felt anything but. Basic tasks like showering or eating took more energy than she had. Nights stretched into sleepless hours, and mornings bled into afternoons spent in bed.
Her story isn’t an isolated event; it’s a reality for more than 37 million people worldwide.
Still, despite knowing something was wrong, the 44-year-old Virginia Beach native found it hard to speak up. Shame and fear had built a wall around her.
“I was in a really bad place. I would isolate myself from friends and family. That mostly had to do with just the shame I was feeling. Also, I just felt worthless, so I even felt like, because of what I was going through, I would be a burden to others,” Kimberly tells BlackDoctor.
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The Weight of Silence
Kimberly describes the profound exhaustion that consumed her daily life, making even essential care feel impossible.
She continues, “I would just put on this mask like I was okay. I don’t know how successful I was pretending like I was okay, but that’s how I just dealt with it. I kind of suffered with that, and even my personal hygiene—it took so much effort and energy just to even get up, take a shower. It just seemed like it was an impossible task.”
Even something as simple as eating became a difficult task for Kimberly, and her sleep cycle was completely inverted.
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“Some days I wouldn’t eat at all. Some days, I would just binge everything that I did eat. My days and my nights were mixed. I would have insomnia at night where I wouldn’t sleep, and then I’d be sleeping all day. It just came down to where I just had no energy and no motivation,” she adds.
Eventually, the weight became too much. There was no single moment or dramatic turning point. It was slow, steady exhaustion, one day after another, until she realized she couldn’t keep going the same way. That’s when she reached out for help.
“I just came to a realization like, ‘I can’t handle this anymore.’ So it wasn’t a specific time or a specific reason. I think it just kept building up until I said, ‘Okay, this is it. You need help.’ I just felt tired of being tired. I just felt tired of being in a spot where I felt like I couldn’t move forward. So that’s when I decided, ‘Okay, I need help. I can’t do this anymore,’” Kimberly explains.
The Path to a Diagnosis
Kimberly’s first visit with Tina Matthews-Hayes, a psychiatric nurse practitioner at Seaside Behavioral Health, is something Dr. Matthews-Hayes still remembers clearly. With nearly eighteen years of experience in psychiatry, she has met many patients in similar states of emotional exhaustion. But Kimberly stood out.
“I always ask people, ‘Tell me three awesome things about you.’ Kim couldn’t come up with one. I could see this sweet human being, this kind soul. It’s an amazing person with strength, but she couldn’t see anything good about herself, which is devastating. She was stuck. She was stuck, like she couldn’t see any way to open the door. She couldn’t see that end of the tunnel,” Dr. Matthews-Hayes shares.
What Kimberly saw as “good days,” the doctor recognized as subtle elevated moods. Paired with deep lows, disrupted sleep, and unsuccessful attempts with past treatments, the pattern became clear. Kimberly met the criteria for Bipolar I Disorder.
The Shock of the Diagnosis
But hearing that diagnosis was a shock.
“The first thing was absolutely denial. When I heard it, and no offense to Dr. Matthews, I was like, ‘Oh, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about,’” Kimberly recalls thinking. She even considered getting another doctor.
Kimberly had every stereotype in her head. The jokes. The comments. The way people throw around the word bipolar.
“I was just talking with someone yesterday in an elevator at work. I’m here in Virginia, so the weather is up and down. It’s rain one day, it’s hot one day, it’s cold, you know? And it happened to be a rainy day, and he was just like, ‘You know, this weather is just bipolar,’” she says. “Stuff like that, what you hear in the media, what you see on TV shows, and I’m like, ‘I’m not that person.’ I’m dealing with all these things. I’m already feeling depressed. I’m already confused about how my mind works. And this diagnosis, it didn’t make sense to me. I just didn’t want to accept it.”
Eventually, denial turned into anger. Anger turned into confusion. It took time for her to accept that the name didn’t define her, and that it wasn’t a verdict. It was a starting point.
Breaking Misconceptions
According to Dr. Matthews-Hayes, one of the biggest misconceptions about bipolar disorder is the idea that symptoms must be extreme. Many people expect dramatic highs or risky behavior. But the condition often looks quieter.
“It doesn’t matter what name you put on something,” Dr. Matthews-Hayes adds. “Your body decides and kind of makes the diagnosis for us at the end of the day. In psychiatry, so much of this is ambiguous, so subjective…”
She helps her patients understand bipolar disorder as a problem with mood regulation, not a flaw in character. Just as the body regulates blood sugar or blood pressure, it also regulates brain chemicals. When that system is off, treatment helps stabilize it.
“It’s really how you choose your words and explain what is happening in the brain and why it’s happening that sometimes gives patients a better understanding and insight into the disease state versus just a word that carries such a stigma. It’s a concern. It’s in the punchline of jokes. It’s in comedy. We hear it everywhere. We think of the extremes. We think of, you know, the old celebrities who had this very excessive mania. It’s not what it always looks like at all. It can be much more nuanced, but it’s just as catastrophic that they can’t get out of bed,” Dr. Matthews-Hayes adds.
Moving Forward: Kimberly’s Turning Point
What helped Kimberly move out of denial was the reassurance she got from Dr. Matthews-Hayes.
“…She told me, ‘Just look at it as the first step to getting to a healthy place. Think of it as a step.’ And also, ‘You know that the diagnosis belongs to you, so you can be as open as you want about it’. I can tell people, I can not tell people. Like, ‘This is not something that is going to be so devastating for you, but this is going to be a part of this step in the right direction.’ And I had to realize the diagnosis, whether it followed me, I’m still me,” Kimberly shares.
Once she accepted that, she started building new routines. Therapy became a non-negotiable part of her life. So did honest communication about her triggers, her bad days, and her needs. She found grounding in walks outdoors and time in nature. She rebuilt her nutrition and sleep habits. She stayed consistent with her medications.
Being honest and open was also therapeutic for Kimberly.
“…So much of my life I was hiding, or I wasn’t being true to myself and what I really felt. So just being very communicative or communicating about my feelings, being honest about my triggers. And yeah, definitely keeping up with my therapy appointments and being honest at my therapy appointments. So when I do have some of a down day, saying, ‘You know, I’m getting these negative thoughts,’ or, ‘I feel uncomfortable in this situation,’ being honest is so important,” Kimberly notes.
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The Power of Support
Kimberly feels lucky to have a family and a group of friends who stood by her. They didn’t always understand mental illness, especially across generations, but they made one thing clear: they wanted to help.
“My family has been very supportive. I’m so grateful for that because they’ve been with me when I was struggling, when I was at my worst, when they didn’t understand….They didn’t really have the tools to know what to do, but they’re always open. My siblings as well. They’re like, ‘Okay, what can we do to help? We don’t understand, but what can we do to support you?’ So that’s definitely the supportive network for me. It’s my siblings, my parents. They didn’t criticize and judge me. That’s the main thing. When I opened up, when I finally got the diagnosis and I opened up to them, it was a really hard thing for me to do because I didn’t know what their reaction was going to be, and it was just like a judgment-free zone. They were like, ‘What can we do? We hear you. We are here for you,’” Kimberly says.
Her friends welcomed her back after periods of withdrawal. Her family learned what triggered her symptoms and how to support her in those moments. And they all gave her the space to be herself without pressure or shame.
Dr. Matthews-Hayes says that kind of environment matters more than people realize.
“Every time you walk in, you should feel that it’s a judgment-free zone. You should feel that you’re in a safe space. You should feel heard and seen… There should be a safe space to have that conversation and she should feel supported when she walks out of the room,” Dr. Matthews Hayes says.
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Advice for Anyone Who Wants to Seek Help
Both Kimberly and Dr. Matthews-Hayes stress the same message: give yourself grace, and take one step at a time.
If you’re unsure where to start:
- Talk to a trusted friend or family member if you can.
- Use resources like an Employee Assistance Program if your workplace offers one.
- Explore local mental health groups or therapy directories like Psychology Today.
- Ask your primary care provider or psychiatrist for therapist recommendations.
- And if you need immediate help, crisis lines like 988 are available 24 hours a day.
Selecting a therapist, Dr. Matthews-Hayes says, is about finding the right fit. Many offer brief consultations so you can get a sense of their style before committing. And it’s normal for the first couple of sessions to feel slow as you build trust.
“You Are Worth the Life You Want”
For Kimberly, the biggest lesson has been realizing she deserves support, stability, and joy.
“You’re worth it. You are worth living a whole life and a more fulfilling life. So don’t count yourself out….Don’t push yourself out, and reach out for help. There’s someone out there that can help you,” she says.
Dr. Matthews Hayes echoes that message.
“If your leg was hurt really bad, you would go to the doctor, you would go to the ER. You wouldn’t walk around with your leg hanging, so why would you walk around with pain in your heart? And if you find a resource that you can trust… reach out your hand, there’s an entire care team that is willing to help pull you toward where you will be,” she concludes.
