Sex with an ex is like putting on our favorite outfit. We already know how it fits and we feel amazing in it! A comfort level already exists and there’s no awkwardness of the newness of sex because he or she already knows just how to please us sexually. So why not hit the sheets with an ex, right? Wrong! Ex sex can end up potentially causing way more harm than the orgasm was ever worth! And before we know it, we may end up hating our ex more than ever. So before deciding to go another round between the sheets with an ex, here are a few things to consider:
1. Oxytocin is a beast! Sex conjures up all sorts of powerful feelings and it’s impossible to be immune to them. Every time we have sex with someone, there are hormones in our body that increases the bonding, pleasure and desire between us. During orgasm we secrete oxytocin which makes us feel more attached to our ex. While it may feel nice at first, it only takes a few nights of passionate sex to bring back all those old memories that can totally turn our world upside down. And besides, who wants to carry around all those emotions for someone we are no longer committed to anyway?
2. “It’s complicated!” When you have history with someone, it tends to complicate things. Trying to work through and process unresolved feelings, hurt, disappointments and grief is already difficult enough without adding sex to the mix. Having sex with someone is an incredibly intimate act, and it’s bound to open up the wounds of your past relationship. Sex can complicate even the most “committed” relationship, so just imagine what issues can arise between ex lovers.
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3. We cannot move forward holding on to an ex. People who stay in contact and have sex following a breakup will continue to feel the pain of the breakup more intensely and may have more difficulty moving on. We must close the door to the past. The relationship is over. It’s time to let go and move on. Being friends is not always possible nor is it the best idea immediately after a breakup. Sometimes it’s best to completely cut the person out of our lives. If kids are involved, that may not be possible. If that’s the case, consider limiting the conversations to focusing only on co-parenting and not the romantic relationship that was once shared.
4. It creates more emotional baggage. It’s not always easy to avoid an emotional reaction when it comes to our ex. Sex inevitably creates an emotional connection. This is potentially dangerous, especially if one or both people have not had time to heal from the relationship. However, healing cannot take place if we’re still being held hostage by an emotionally charged sexual connection. Having sex with an ex could put us in a position of still being emotionally committed but technically broken up. In addition, this connection leaves us unemotionally available to anyone else.
5. It creates false hopes. Having a sexual relationship with an ex can result in spent time together dissecting their every word, looking for a glimmer of potential reconciliation. If one person is still hanging on to hopes of reuniting, ex sex will only create a false sense of hope. He or she will use sex as a way of spending time together. This is a definite set up for disaster because he or she is secretly hoping that having sex will help sustain the relationship.
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6. Comfort can threaten your health! If you were with your ex for a long time, chances are you are very comfortable sexually with him or her. This level of comfort can be very risky from a health perspective. Research has shown that condom usage is much higher at the beginning of relationships but tends to drop over time. Because of this level of comfort and familiarity, exes might be less likely to practice safer sex. This can increase risk for HIV, other sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy, especially if the ex is having sex with multiple partners.
While sex with the ex might have been amazing, there was still a valid reason that the two of you decided to part ways and end the relationship. Once the relationship has ended, there’s no need to open up Pandora’s Box by knockin’ the boots. It’s best to keep things on a platonic level and move on with your lives because having sex with the ex is like waking up a sleeping giant. And let’s be honest, is the sex really worth bringing up all that old stuff again?
So now that you have read the reasons why ex sex may not be the best sex, you still may be determined to do it! If you are, just consider yourself forewarned, be honest with each other regarding your true motivations and intentions, and do your best to protect your mind, body, spirit and heart.
Visit the BlackDoctor.org Relationship center for more articles.
Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, www.drtamaragriffin.com or www.projectcreatesafe.com.
