oppression, not the people being oppressed. “Being Black is not exhausting,” she says. “Racism is exhausting.”
She started her career on the path to being an executive but says her good ideas were ignored, she was passed over for promotions and told her natural hair wasn’t professional. So, 38 years ago she founded her company that consults on diversity issues.
Emotional responses to discrimination can include depression, internalizing stereotypes that say you’re deficient, and rage. All of these things can take a heavy toll on mental well-being.
Grevenberg says anger can be particularly corrosive because it’s not possible to lash out at all the “nameless, faceless” people behind a racist system. “So the anger takes on this quality that’s consuming and unending, if you lean into it.”
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1. Find someone to validate your feelings
One of her key roles in therapy is to validate her clients’ experiences. Out of fear of being seen as being oversensitive on matters of race, people may start to question what they’ve lived through. Even if it’s as blatant as a co-worker clearly trying to sabotage their work, the target of racist behavior may turn the problem inward and say, “This can’t be happening, right?”
When she gives them the ability to affirm that yes, they really have been wronged, she says it gives them space to experience their feelings. They can then redefine being Black on their own terms, with confidence and pride, and without any harmful labels.
Winters says well-meaning white friends – “aspiring allies,” as she calls them – can help by being willing to address problems they see. The first step is listening. “When you’re an aspiring ally, you still have quite a bit to learn. So humility, I think, is really important.”
Grevenberg agrees being an ally is about providing a safe presence, someone who can validate experiences. It’s important “to be present, and to be curious, and to ask questions to understand. This isn’t about solving a problem. This is about being with a person you care about.”
2. Eliminate the need to be perfect
Grevenberg also tells clients it’s OK to back away from the constant pursuit of perfection.
“I tell every single person I work with, ‘Have a snack and take a nap,'” she says.
Black professionals often feel pressure to prove they’re worthy. She and all her clients were raised with the narrative they’d have to be