Unhappiness in relationships can stem from many things: a lack of communication, finances, jealousy and infidelity, just to name a few. However, at the root of that discord is ultimately a difference in how we love one another as well as what we expect in return. In other words, according to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, we each speak different love languages. Identifying your partner’s primary love language can make your gestures more meaningful. If you’re unsure, consider taking the 5 love languages test or checking the 5 love languages chart for guidance.
Let’s take a look at what defines each of the 5 love languages and how to apply them to your everyday life.
What are the 5 love languages?
1. Words of affirmation: Uses words to affirm other people.
Verbal acknowledgment, compliments, or even words of appreciation (face-to-face) delivered in a straightforward statement go a long way.
“That dress hugs you in all the right places.”
“You make me feel safe.”
“I love how you always…”
For partners who value verbal expressions of love, thoughtful words can make a big impact. Try these ideas:
- Leave a heartfelt note in their bag or pocket.
- Send a sweet text during the day.
- Compliment them genuinely and often.
- Record a voice memo expressing your appreciation.
RELATED: Love Language Test: What’s Your (Or Your Partner’s) Love Language?
2. Acts of service: When actions speak louder than words.
For example, your wife has had a long day of wrangling the children, working from home, and doing homework. An example of an “act” would be to make dinner and/or do the dishes (because what is one without the other).
A true act of service will require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are powerful communicators of love.
If your partner appreciates actions over words, show your love through thoughtful deeds:
- Cook their favorite meal without being asked.
- Handle a task they dislike, such as doing the laundry or taking out the trash.
- Surprise them with breakfast in bed.
- Run an errand for them when they’re busy.
3. Receiving gifts: To this person, nothing makes them feel as special as receiving a well-thought-out gift.
While all 5 love languages require us to give of ourselves to our partners, gift-giving requires a visible show of love. In other words, it is something you can hold in your hand and say, “He/She was thinking of me.”
If your partner’s love language is gift-giving, it’s not about expensive items—it’s about thoughtfulness:
- Surprise them with a small, meaningful gift.
- Bring home their favorite snack or coffee.
- Create a scrapbook of special memories.
- Plan a subscription service for something they enjoy, like books or flowers.
4. Quality time: Time well spent is the most important.
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. No, that does not mean Netflix and chill. When you eat up time binge-watching “The Walking Dead”, HBO has your attention, not your loved one.
Make ample use of your time by putting your devices to the side and/or turning off the television. If your partner’s primary love language is a little QT, he/she simply wants you.
For those who value undivided attention, spending meaningful time together is key:
- Plan a date night without distractions.
- Go for a walk and talk about your day.
- Cook a meal together and enjoy it without screens.
- Start a new hobby or project together.
5. Physical touch: For some, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
To this individual, physical touch is the primary way they feel emotionally filled. Without it, they may feel unloved. Whether it be holding hands, kissing, embracing, or sexual intimacy, communicating emotion by way of implicit loving touches is the only way to make them feel secure in their relationship.
If your partner thrives on touch, prioritize physical closeness:
- Give them spontaneous hugs and kisses.
- Hold hands while walking or sitting together.
- Offer a relaxing massage after a long day.
- Cuddle while watching a movie.
If you’re unsure of your partner’s love language, the 5 love languages assessment can help you discover the best ways to show love. The 5 languages of love are a great guide for deepening connections and making your partner feel truly appreciated. By tailoring your actions to their preferences, you’ll create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
