We go to the internet for everything from news, job searches, and gifts - to sexual partners. The pervasiveness of social media and internet “chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar interests to develop friendships and relationships.
There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another.
Texing/Internet Chatting Is NOT Intimacy
I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person.
It’s true the internet has created various forums for people to have personal exchanges, yet it hasn’t perfected a space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations.
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When it comes to sexting, what should you do?
1. Slow Down!
It’s so important to ask questions and not make assumptions based on profile pages that may or may not be totally accurate, especially when it comes to health status. Too many people are quick to get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone they may not really know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone.
If you're a receiver of unwanted sexting, here are three things you can do:
1. Ask the text sender to stop sending you inappropriate messages or photos. The first step to getting someone to stop sexting you is to simply request they stop contacting you this way. It is quite possible that they really do not know that it is offending or upsetting you and most reasonable people will apologize and cease immediately. Obviously, determining how to deliver the request could be a little tricky, especially if you're trying to ask someone you like, such as a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, to stop the sexting. Try using......discreet texts, a phone call or in person meeting, that way, it will ensure that the the sexting stops and your friendly relationship continues, with no hurt feelings
2.Block the sender if he or she refuses to stop. Even if it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend, if they won’t stop sending you inappropriate messages or photos it's time to use your blocking options.
Block or unfriend him or her on Facebook, Twitter or any other social media connections. Even if the messages came through via text message, block the number on your cell phone and then block the person on other medias. You don’t need to take that extra step to unfriend the person (unless you want to go that route), but you can hide his/her messages and posts.
Block landline calls. Contact your phone company and ask that the other person’s number(s) be blocked.
3. Consider getting law enforcement involvement if the behavior does not stop or the other person pursues you other ways (such as stalking, threatening or harassing). Typically, most people who have been asked to stop sexting will stop, however, if the other person continues to pursue you, especially after you’ve cut him or her out of your life you may be dealing with a stalker.
Stalking is when someone persistently pursues another person, regardless of whether the other person invites the interest or not. Stalking is considered to be a very serious offense and you may want to consider filing a restraining order if the other person does not retreat. Your law enforcement professionals can assist you with making decisions about what to do next.
The Questions You Need To Be Asking Any Partner
Here are a six important things you need to include in getting to know someone:
1.Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
2.When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
3.When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
4.How many partners do you currently have?
5.What happens if I/you get pregnant?
6.What do you consider “cheating” to be?
Also consider an in-person discussion (in a safe space) with your potential/current mate as opposed to Twitter or Facebook, because you will want to see the person’s body language when having a sensitive talk. Give yourself a chance to truly learn about who your partner really is - and is not. Trust me...that deserves more than 140 characters.
By Dr. James Wadley, BDO Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
