I often joke with my male cousins about “guy code” and how those unspoken but universally known rules guide their communication, actions, and reactions to each other. Even how men complement each other is strictly enforced by such rules. To veer outside the norm is essentially taboo, possibly calling one’s entire manhood into question, and how men deal with feelings like anxiety falls under such fundamental guidelines.
For Black men, anxiety stems from various factors, like lack of financial security, PTSD, and racial discrimination. These factors are either repressed or ignored altogether and are exhibited through various moods and behaviors your man probably has no idea are linked.
It’s an eternally frustrating riddle: you say “What’s wrong baby?” he says “Nothing”. But is it that they aren’t expressing their anxiety, or are you not reading the signs? Here are five ways men are showing you they’re anxious, without saying anything at all.
1. He isn’t sleeping well.
Your man might brush off his lack of sleep with excuses, like “I just don’t need as much sleep as other people” or that he’s a night owl, but don’t be fooled. Insomnia is a serious symptom of anxiety, contributing to the serious health conditions that already plague our community disproportionately more than others.
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2. He won’t keep still.
Maybe your man always has a home project to complete, or somewhere they need to go. It could even be as unassuming as noticing they won’t sit in one spot for too long. But restlessness can also present as a more serious anxiety symptom, like OCD. Even something as slight as a constant foot tap could be a clue to your man’s underlying anxiety.
3. He’s irritated more than usual.
If all of a sudden everything just rubs your man the wrong way, he could be showing you he is anxious. You may notice he is irritable and more often than not, you are in his crosshairs.
RELATED: 7 Types of Anxiety Disorders
4. He’s not eating well.
Both lack of appetite and overeating are symptoms of anxiety. If you notice he is binging on certain foods, or even his favorite meal doesn’t bring him around, consider anxiousness as the source of the problem.
If you see your man doing these things, what can you do to help him with his anxiety?
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5. Be a safe space.
For a man to express his suppressed feelings to you, he must feel safe. For you to be a safe space, you must make sure you are aware and present around him. Listen to understand, instead of respond. Be present with him – which means no multitasking with other activities when he does come to you with what’s on his mind.
6. Don’t get discouraged.
Be sure to keep the door open for communication. It could take him a while to settle into the new normal. Remember, your man may have gone through a litany of traumatic events before meeting you, so he’s had a lifetime of mishandling anxiety symptoms.
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7. Encourage talk therapy.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective tool for managing anxiety. Again, don’t get discouraged if your suggestion is met with a big NO. Black men may initially feel shame, denial, mistrust, or be too prideful to share their feelings with a stranger.
8. Find practical solutions.
Adhering to a sleep schedule could be the first step to managing your man’s anxiety. If you notice your man is extra irritated, not eating, or is participating in restless or compulsive behaviors, acknowledgment – not judgment – at the moment could help de-escalate the situation.
Our men go through so much before and after we come into their lives. We sometimes take their negative behaviors personally when in reality, they’re just surviving the only way they know.
While your man may not directly say “Hey baby, I’m feeling anxious today” like we wish they would, he is saying it with his actions. We – if we love them – just have to be ready to listen.
