7 Signs That They’re Not The One

couple appearing to have an argument(BlackDoctor.org) — Sometimes, in the fog of excitement, our vision is impaired, and this hinders our ability to see tell-tale signs and red flags. Despite what you’ve been taught in school, that small voice in the back of your mind isn’t necessarily your conscience — it may be the last fully functioning piece of your brain, desperately trying to tell you that the person you’re seeing is not even close to being “the one.”

Below, are 7 signs that may indicate they’re not for you.

1. You don’t trust him/her. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you’re hacking into their email account, and going berserk when they goes out without you, something’s wrong. If there’s something about them that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps they’re not the one for you.

2. One of you is struggling with an addiction.They’re  sweet. They’re exciting. They love you very much. But they love their alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix or shopaholic ways more. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can change them or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but they’ll do so on their own terms – that is, if they come to realize that they need to stop foolish habits and/or be more mature.

3. You have a list of things that they need to stop doing/saying/wearing if they want your relationship to work. If you’re fixating on their flaws, they’re either not the one you want or you’re not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting them loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet the one whose flaws you can embrace — or at least accept.

4. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa). Often, a person is so happy to find “the one” that he or she assumes love, marriage and having children all go together. But for the other person, being a twosome and being in love is enough. It’s a good idea to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your potential mate to understand his or her perspective.

5. They avoid conflict at any cost.Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all… even if it looks that way.

6. Your lifestyles clash. If you’re a corporate executive pulling in six figures a year, you’ve probably figured out by now whether you can tolerate a guy or gal who earns less in terms of salary. No harm, no foul: ending things now is better than leading someone along (or unexpectedly sticking your date with the tab at that expensive restaurant).

7. On paper, they seem great, but you just have this strange feeling...Don’t ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he’s/she’s not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.

The 10 Traits Of Highly Successful Relationships

couple making pizzaThere are many different relationship styles. And there are many different relationship problems. But filtering through all of this, relationship experts have identified ten characteristics of the most successful relationships.

These qualities are integral parts of a healthy relationship foundation and, many times, can increase the chances of weathering unavoidable relationship storms.

Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”

Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a “you had to be there” moment from the beginning of their relationship.

Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as “unfair.” Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no “right” or “wrong” amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, “I love you,” without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get “somewhere.” Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

No “Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His “four horsemen of the apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.