You probably already know that one of the key aspects of any healthy relationship, and even just general happiness, is a fulfilling sex life. But, with work, children, and all the daily obligations that demand so much of our attention, that’s easier said than done, right?
Though there will always be challenges to make it better, the steps below will help you bring sexy back into your life (and keep it there):
1. Start and Stay with health.
Starting with health changes everything. It not only makes us outwardly attractive and alluring to others, but helps us feel sexy, desirable and confidant as well. That confidence creates sexual energy, a seductive charisma guaranteed to awaken and maintain a partner’s sexual interest.
Naturally, the most obvious way to stay healthy and fit is to take care of yourself, use alcohol moderately, control your blood pressure and weight, eat a well-balanced diet, get regular exercise and adequate rest. And remember, regular check-up visits to your physician must be an essential part of your sexual fitness program.
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Also, couples who work to stay healthy together enjoy the added benefit of building emotional closeness (a must for the bedroom) while sharing a sport or fitness activity. Taking brisk walks together, for instance, gives couples an opportunity to talk, to share ideas and feelings, and to relax their nervous systems while enjoying a healthy workout.
2. Write down your fantasies.
This exercise can help you explore possible activities you think might be a turn-on for you or your partner. Try thinking of an experience or a movie that aroused you and then share your memory with your partner. This is especially helpful for people with low desire.
3. Ask your sex partner about their sexual history/herstory.
Instead of asking the question, “How many people have you had sex with?” ask a better question to clear your mind. A better question may be, “Did you practice safer sex with all your past sexual encounters.”
Additional questions to ask include: Have you been tested for HIV? Did you get your results? What were your results? Have you ever had any STIs? If so, did you get it treated? For heterosexual-identified individuals you may also consider asking if your partner has ever engaged in any same sex sexual tyrst. For lesbian or gay identified individuals you may want to ask have you ever had sex with someone of the opposite sex. As difficult as it may be to ask these questions, it is very important to ask your sex partners about their sexual past. At the end of the day, if you cannot ask your partner these questions, then just maybe you should not be having sex with them. Remember, YOU are responsible for your sexual health. And besides, it just may help save your life.
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4. Do Kegel exercises.
Both men and women can improve their sexual fitness by exercising their pelvic floor muscles. To do these exercises, tighten the muscle you would use if you were trying to stop urine in midstream. Hold the contraction for two or three seconds, then release. Repeat 10 times. Try to do five sets a day. These exercises can be done anywhere — while driving, sitting at your desk, or standing in a checkout line. At home, women may use vaginal weights to add muscle resistance. Talk to your doctor or a sex therapist about where to get these and how to use them.
5. Try to relax.
Do something soothing together before having sex, such as playing a game or going out for a nice dinner. Or try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises or yoga.
6. Schedule Time for Intimacy.
No matter how much you might want to have sex, your busy schedule can get in the way. So pencil sexy time into your calendar, just like you would other important dates. Then you’ll be less likely to skip it. Setting a date gives you time to prepare and something to look forward to. Book sex as often as is realistic — whether it’s once a week or every other day. Choose times when you know you won’t be tired or distracted.
7. Reduce the number of sexual partners.
If you are a person that likes to engage in sex with multiple partners, keep in mind that also puts you at multiple risks, especially if the encounters are unprotected. Think of it this way: every time you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone that they have has sex with. Not only does reducing the number of sexual partners lower your risk for HIV, but it also lowers your risk for drama and other indirect activities that put you at risk for HIV and other STIs.
8. Change the type of sex you’re having.
Changing the type of sex you’re having will also help to reduce your risk. Anal sex carries the most risk because the lining of the anus is thin and does not lubricate naturally, causing it to rip and tear much easier. Vaginal sex is the second most risky type of sex, followed by oral sex. Keep in mind that the receptive partner is the partner that is most at risk because she or he is receiving the penis inside their anus or vagina. This increases their risk given the exposure to the fluid.
Here’s an FYI: do no brush or floss or any activity that can cause a tear or break in the lining of the jaw an hour or less before oral sex because it will actually increase the opportunity for HIV transmission. If any semen or vaginal fluid gets inside of your mouth, swallow or spit but DON’T let it sit!
9. Think young, fun and yes, sexy.
When you watch someone who is enthusiastic, youthful, jovial and having a good time, do you even notice how old that person is? Probably not. Most likely you just want to get to know that person and be part of the high spirits. And when you keep your attitude and behavior youthful and playful, you’ll be the person others are attracted to and want to know.
Regardless of age, an adult’s personal approach to sex is supposed to be similarly positive, titillating, erotic and creative. Whether you’re 25 or 50, feel and be sexual without guilt! Loosen up and be inventive! Go ahead and have let yourself have fun!
10. Plan on having good sex.
Good sex also requires good timing. Are you a morning person? A night owl? What about your partner? The best time to make love is when you and your partner are the most responsive (as men mature, that time is usually in the morning, but many women enjoy sex more in the evening). So, good sex also requires some planning.
As often as possible, clear everybody out of the house so you and your partner can be as uninhibited as you want to be. Get rid of the kids for a while, send the grandkids home to their parents (for a change!). Once alone, take time to enjoy yourselves. Turn off the TV. Turn down the lights (or turn them all on). Why not light candles? Add music. Share the tub or shower. Play an erotic and seductive board game. Watch a romantic or sexy video. Give each other relaxing, sensual massages. Have you ever used whipped cream in the bedroom? Or peanut butter? You can’t imagine the fun you can have with ice cubes! Take off all your clothes. Or put on costumes! Make love in the kitchen. Or on a blanket in the backyard under your favorite tree at midnight. Then do it again at high noon! Let your imagination and your sense of sexual adventure lead you and your partner into a glorious world of new sensations, and favorite joys. When you run out of ideas, there are plenty of books and videos on the market to help you discover new ones. Sex will never be boring again. And neither will your life. All it takes is a little creativity, time and planning. So start!
11. The cardinal rule: Just do it. And do it. And do it!
Masters and Johnson, those famous sex researchers, claimed that continuing to have sex was the “cardinal rule for preserving sexual vigor beyond middle age.” Post-menopausal women who are sexually active have less shrinkage of the vagina and higher levels of naturally produced sex hormones than sexually inactive women. Men who are sexually active as they pass through middle age and beyond maintain higher blood testosterone levels than those who stop having sex. The bottom line? If you keep on doing it, you’ll continue to be able to keep on doing it! In other words, use it or lose it! It’s really that simple.
12. Send sex messages in as many ways as you can.
The key to the best relationship (sexual and otherwise) is honest communication. If you don’t talk about your sex life and feelings with each other, then how can you get your message across and let your desires be known? Sex therapists encourage open, caring communication, as well as an affectionate relationship, as some of the most important keys to enhancing sexual happiness. Achieving a closer, more loving relationship with your partner is a crucial component of your sexual fitness program, as it’s difficult for sexual harmony to co-exist with marital distance and conflict, submerged resentment, basic incompatibility or lack of positive feelings toward one another.
Any barriers to communication must be addressed because they increasingly inhibit sexual feelings as we grow older. If poor communication is a problem in a relationship, a couple should seek the help of a therapist to develop deeper levels of intimacy, love and understanding, and greater shared physical enjoyment. The reward can be a richer, fuller, more exciting life.
Remember, too, that we also send sexy messages in very simple, ordinary, even nonverbal, ways, including being relaxed and interested in each other; not drinking too much alcohol; paying special attention to body and oral hygiene; and learning new ways to touch and please one another.
13. Expect it to be different, but expect it to be good.
There’s no question: our bodies, and our bodily responses, change as we age. But those changes shouldn’t concern or worry us. We just need to be aware of them and understand that these changes are normal and don’t mean the end of a satisfying sex life.
As a woman ages, her clitoris is not affected and her capacity for orgasm and sexual interest normally remains unchanged. But increased thinning of the vaginal walls can contribute to painful or uncomfortable intercourse, as can an inability to adequately lubricate; but, many of these conditions can be reversed with advice from her physician.
For men over 50, erections will usually be sturdy and reliable, although they might take a little longer to achieve and won’t be as hard as those of a man in his twenties. The forcefulness of ejaculation and orgasm may be slightly less than in the past, and more time may be required between repeat performances. The older man, in particular, might require more direct stimulation of his genitals to be ready for sex (unlike during his younger days, when his reaction and response was spontaneous, immediate, and frequent).
Understanding, accepting and working with these minor and normal bodily changes can definitely help a couple create and enjoy a satisfying sex life. There are now many resources available to help couples with this process.
14. Don’t give up.
If none of your efforts seem to work, don’t give up hope. Your doctor can often determine the cause of your sexual problem and may be able to identify effective treatments. He or she may suggest you consider a sex therapist who can help you explore issues that may be standing in the way of a fulfilling sex life.
