It is of no surprise to me that the average couple only spends one to four minutes on foreplay before jumping right into the penetration portion of intercourse, considering we live in a day and age where everything is quick, on the go and instant.
Somewhere through the decades, we have lost sight of what foreplay is really for. We've substituted it with quick, lackluster oral stimulation and saliva to lubricate, but did you know that foreplay is what turns women on and ensures a lasting sexual experience? Let me explain...
Men are easily aroused by sight and sound and can become erect and ready to enter within three minutes. However, it takes women a bit longer to become stimulated and ready to be penetrated (anywhere from 10-15 minutes). Foreplay is a set of physical and mental acts that help ignite the desire for sex, as well as help lower inhibitions in your partner to help you gain his/her trust.
When a woman is stimulated before actually being penetrated, her vagina will produce secretions that will help lubricate the area to reduce friction during movement, and her cervix will widen and recede further back toward the uterus to allow a better fit for the penis (the vagina at a resting state before arousal is only about 2.75 inches deep).
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READ: How To Create Intimacy During Sex
If a woman experiences dryness or pain during sex, more than likely her partner hasn't warmed her up before trying to start the race. It's just like jumping into a car in the middle of winter and driving it without letting it warm. Chances are your car will run slow for a few minutes and you may be causing damage to your car in the long run. When you skip foreplay, you put your partner at risk for tearing, bleeding, pain and a rough experience. More foreplay equals a wider cervix and more lubrication, which encourages better and longer sex.
Even recently, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson responded to DJ Khaled's confession that he doesn't engage in cunnilingus by posting "As a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances. This is probably a little TMI.. I will now quietly excuse myself from this fun thread," he wrote on Twitter.
So want to know how to win before it all goes down (pun intended). Here are a few tips:
1. Start Before The Bedroom
Men, men, men! Foreplay is not just getting between her legs. It starts with the mind. Put a secret sexy message in her purse for her to find. Leave her a sexy voicemail. Send something to her office to let her know how much you want her when she gets home.
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Do something all day that builds up the anticipation so she can't wait to jump your bones when she gets there.
Women: You can do the same thing! Men work hard and they want to feel appreciated. When was the last time you ran him some bath water when he came home from work. Or when was the last time you just rubbed his shoulders and told him how proud of him you were? If it's been awhile, this is your sign to do it again.
2. Listen To What She's NOT Saying
Being great at foreplay is not always knowing what she IS saying, but what she is NOT saying. What kind of kisses make her moan? What does she say makes her hot for you?
When in doubt, just come right out and ask what your partner likes during sex. “Most [people] appreciate men who want to make sure they’re satisfied,” says Barbara Bartlik, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Cornell University. “If [they] notice you’re working hard to please them, “[they’ll] be more likely to return the favor.”
Communication is essential for good sex, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Being open and honest about your turn-ons and inviting your partner to do the same creates an erotic atmosphere that’s both sexy and trusting.
3. Try Body Mapping
Body mapping is a process that uses art and stories to explore how a person's body relates to their experiences. It can be used to reflect on difficult experiences, or to understand how a person's body functions and moves.
How body mapping works
Participants use art-based techniques like drawing, painting, or collage to create a visual representation of their body.
They may also use colors and symbols to represent specific events, challenges, or strengths.
Participants may be asked to reflect on how their experiences impact their bodies, or how their bodies impact their experiences.
Benefits of body mapping
Body mapping can help people explore difficult emotions and experiences.
It can help people focus on their strengths and resilience.
It can be therapeutic and empowering.
It can be a way to engage children and young people.
4. Create The Mood
I know as a man, many men can do it anywhere at any time. But with a woman, it heavily depends on the whole experience. So every once in a while create the look, create the smell, create the meal that goes with a night or a day of pleasure.
Selecting the right music can make or break just about any situation, and foreplay is no exception. In general, though, throwing on some tunes can help drown out distractions (most of which you eliminated above, right?) and keep the momentum going. If you’re stuck on the best songs to have sex to, consider the ambiance/vibe you’re trying to set. Playful? Try a pop love song playlist. Rough? A sexy R&B playlist will do the trick. Romantic? Dust off that old baby-making mixtape.
5. Learn from the Best
There's no shame in a real man's game to seek help to learn how to do something better. Look online. Talk to a sex therapist. Learn from your woman about what pleases her. Watch porn together to learn more. The key thing in this is to learn. If you know better you can do better.
So, if you are looking for a few quick tips on how to incorporate more foreplay into your sexual experiences, look no more!
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- Compliment a woman on her body.
- Incorporate erotic massage or sensual rubdowns.
- Set the atmosphere and make the area comfortable and inviting (candles and music work well).
- Spend more time kissing.
- Make eye contact during these activities.
- Oral sex is great foreplay and a preview before the main event.
- Talk dirty.
- Incorporate the use of toys (e.g., massage wands, blindfolds, vibrators, wrist cuffs - whatever you may be into).
- Take things slow. Foreplay is not to be rushed through.
- Remember to breathe.
- Use foods that are known to spark sexual arousal (e.g., chocolate, strawberries, red wine).
- Remain in the moment.
Now, men, here is something else you should know. There's more than one way to get you "there" (wink).
7 Types Of Male Orgasms (And How To Achieve Them)
During intercourse, as a man nears orgasm, his pelvic thrusts become less voluntary and more automatic, and the muscles of the penis begin to contract rhythmically in order to eject semen from the urethra.
When an orgasm begins, heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration all increase. The orgasm marks the final stage of the arousal response in men. What most men don’t know is that there are other types of orgasms, which most guys never experience:
1. Ejaculatory (standard)
This is the general type of orgasm that many men experience every time they have sex. It doesn’t require much effort on your part to achieve it and it results in the ejaculation of your sperm. There is no control over pelvic thrusting or when you reach this orgasm unless you work to control it.
2. Pelvic Orgasm
Men can learn to hold their orgasm and send the energy rushing back into their pelvic region simply by practicing. Self-control is largely an untaught trick in the area of sexual satisfaction, but it really can provide a more intense and pleasurable orgasm if you learn to do it correctly. If you would like to feel a pelvic orgasm, you have to relax your mind and control your bodily functions before an orgasm. Hold back your ejaculation and send it back through your body for a full pelvic orgasm.
3. Non-Ejaculatory (Retrograde Ejaculation)
In a condition called retrograde ejaculation, the bladder's sphincter does not close off properly during ejaculation, so semen spurts backward into the bladder. This condition is usually found in some men who have multiple sclerosis, diabetes, or after some type of prostate surgery. It can also occasionally occur in men who do not have any serious problems. It is not physically harmful, but it does render the man infertile and he may have a different sensation during ejaculation. A retrograde ejaculation is also known as a "dry come" because the man may experience orgasm, but no semen is released from the penis.
4. Prostate Orgasm (direct stimulation)
On either side of the prostate are nerves that control erections. These nerves can be stimulated through prostate touching and stroking. This orgasm is conjured by consistently stimulating the prostate gland either with a finger or through a toy. Men can achieve this orgasm only when they are fully relaxed and into the stimulation.
5. Blended (Prostatic + Ejaculatory)
The whole-body orgasm stimulates both nerve pathways that are connected to the pelvic region. Once both the pelvic and the spinal regions are fully engaged, you will experience a blended orgasm that fully stimulates your entire body. If you want to feel the most amazing sensation you could ever imagine, this is the orgasm you want to experience. You can engage both sensations by getting both penis and prostate stimulation.
6. Energy Orgasms (heart, vocal and full-body orgasms)
These types of orgasms are full-body orgasms without touching. They use your breath and muscle contractions to generate orgasmic energy that flows through your body, resulting in male ejaculation.
7. Multi-Ejaculatory (non-refractory period)
Most men usually have a refractory period (time in between each orgasm) to deal with—which lasts 30 minutes or more on average. But yes, men can orgasm again and again without having to cool down.
Having multiple orgasms during sex and foreplay is 10x harder, but once you can do it, here’s how to have multiple orgasms during sex.
Step One: Ejaculatory Control
Before you can have multiple orgasms, you need to get yourself to a certain level of ejaculatory control.
You should be comfortable masturbating for 10+ minutes with constant stimulation (not having to stop and start a ton of times).
Without that kind of control, you won’t be able to slowly bring yourself up to the point of having multiple orgasms, and you definitely won’t be able to keep yourself right at that threshold.
If you can’t easily do that, start with the article on how to last longer in bed.
Step Two: Kegel Exercises
Having multiple orgasms works by getting to the point of orgasm, and then flexing your PC muscle hard enough to block the ejaculate from actually escaping.
But most men have a weak PC muscle, even if they can normally last a long time in bed, so you’ll need to train yours until you have a vice-like grip behind your penis.
You do this through kegel exercises (if you’re not familiar with them, go read that article).
The PC muscle (ejaculation muscle for our purposes) is located right behind your balls and before your anus. You’ve felt it when you’re trying to prevent yourself from peeing, or when you start peeing and then try to make yourself stop.
It’s also the muscle that you use to prevent yourself from ejaculating, and that flexes and spasms when you’re orgasming.
So to stop yourself from ejaculating, you need to develop a strong PC muscle.
Start by practicing your kegels 2-3 times a day until you can hold them for 20+ seconds. That’s when you’re at the point where you can squeeze hard enough to pull yourself back from the edge.
Once you’re there, keep doing kegels for maintenance.
Step Three: Daily Practice
While you’re learning to have multiple orgasms, set aside 20+ minutes each night to masturbate and work on it. I found that if I went more than a couple of days without experimenting, I’d be set back considerably.
Once you’ve practiced enough, you can go for a few days without it, but until you have it mastered, set that time aside every night.
During the practice, work yourself up to a peak (somewhere around a 9-9.5 out of 10 for how close you are to orgasming) and then bring yourself back down to a 5-7. This is called “edging.”
But there's one trick: Don’t use porn.
I found that using porn when practicing pulled me out of the experience too much, and I lost awareness of where I was on that 1-10 scale.
By not using it you’re forced to focus on the experience more, and it will give you significantly more awareness of how close you are and when you need to pull yourself back.
Once you’ve mastered edging, you can start to separate the orgasm and ejaculation.
Step Four: Separating Orgasm and Ejaculation
To have non-ejaculatory orgasms, you need to train your body to separate the experience of orgasm and ejaculation.
You’ve likely experienced ejaculation and orgasm at the same time for your entire life, but that’s just a strategic biological move on your body’s part.
Orgasm is not caused by ejaculating, rather it normally happens in sync with and slightly before ejaculating. Your body needs to make sure you don’t stop pumping away as you get closer to cumming (since it wants to reproduce), so it gets you closer to orgasming as motivation.
All we have to do is un-train that impulse. That's where partial orgasm separation comes in.
Partial Orgasm Separation
As you’re masturbating for your daily practice, you’re going to start working on briefly separating the orgasm and ejaculation as you finish.
When you hit the point of no return where you know you’re going to ejaculate, squeeze your PC muscle as hard as you can as if you’re doing a long kegel hold.
You should feel your penis twitch, swell, and the ejaculating will be delayed a second or two… but the orgasm sensation won’t. You’ll feel a couple of seconds of orgasm right before you ejaculate, and then you’ll have the regular ejaculation plus orgasm that you’re used to.
