…….sex while in the middle of sex or foreplay. I take my health serious and sex is only one part of that when it comes to dating. So in this neutral space, I disclose my HIV status. Then with patience, I answer his questions. That’s fair, for one, because what they know about HIV might not be as advanced as what I know. I also believe that my partner needs to be fully informed for both of us. This is also about his body and life, too.
A person has the right to decide what they want and don’t want to do with their body and life, including those living with HIV. I don’t want anyone to take away my right to choose, and likewise, I honor my partner’s right to choose. Shoot, I’ve dated men who didn’t mind my HIV status, but I had to keep it moving because their way of living didn’t meet the standards that I have for my own life. Free will is a wonderful gift.
After disclosure, for the most part, the men in my life want to know about my health before they get to the sex questions. That’s how it should be. If he can’t think about my well being beyond my vagina and his penis, I keep it moving. If he doesn’t want to know how many pills I take or my prognosis for life, then it will be very hard for me to see what value he can add to my life. People really do show you who they are, and you better believe it. Living with HIV is not a good reason to be in a bad relationship.
However, the sex questions do eventually come. Honestly, I think every couple should have this discussion prior to sex, whether they are living with HIV or not. To know his/her favorite color, their dreams and aspirations, even to know his/her favorite sexual position and not know how he/she feels about condoms, birth control and relevant sex history is some dangerous territory. I ask my suitor about their history with other sexually transmitted diseases like herpes and HPV. I also ask my partner if they are heterosexual, or have they had sex with a man at some point in their life. Shoot these days I even ask if they have a wife or a girlfriend. Believe me, I have to. I was dating a guy who was dating a younger woman and me at the same time. When it all hit the fan, she didn’t want to believe that he could have had sex with a woman with HIV. Girl bye!
In my HIV paradigm, I give my partner all the relevant information about what sex means for our relationship. I talk about his risk factors. I talk about my risk factors to other STDs and their impact on my health. I ask my partner to be tested for HIV because I want to know his starting point for sure, for sure. Lastly, I talk about how we can protect each other.
This is what I want my partner to know about transmitting HIV: