Gentle parenting requires a level of patience that many parents can’t always muster. These small adjustments make it a much more realistic practice.
When you think back to how you were raised, you‘re likely to have a spectrum of memories ranging from fond to upsetting. Our parents shaped the formative years of our lives as well as our early adulthood through their choice of parenting style, influencing everything from our self-esteem, personality, social development, academic achievement, and more. Most importantly, how you were parented directly relates to how you choose to raise your own children.
Using strict punishment—sometimes physically—to make children conform to unrealistic expectations was once upon a time normalized, especially among Black parents. Pew Research found that Black parents nowadays are still more likely to use corporal punishment as part of their parenting compared to other races. While this has been in decline for decades, yelling has also been found to have similar effects to physical punishment in children.
According to studies, adults who experienced verbal hostility and low nurturance as a child are more likely to transfer this trauma to their own children. Other studies also show that if you were exposed to physical punishment such as spanking as a child, you are more likely to use this type of punishment as a parent yourself. In general, harsher disciplinary strategies can be linked to negative outcomes for children.
Breaking generational cycles of trauma means using a parenting style that doesn’t leave our children mentally scarred. This is where gentle-ish parenting comes into play–a blend of kind and firm parenting that reinforces positive behaviors. It’s a modern take on authoritative parenting which is often regarded as the most effective of the four main parenting styles.
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Giving Children New Autonomy
Gentle-ish parenting offers an alternative to impulsive and punitive discipline which can often have harmful repercussions to a child‘s development. It’s rooted in age-appropriate expectations, responsiveness to children’s needs, nurturing and affectionate communication, openness, and mutual respect. But it’s different from gentle parenting in that there are clear boundaries, limits, and consequences. The caregiver is ultimately the authority and though children are treated with respect, they also learn to respect their parents as human beings.
“One difference between an authoritative parenting approach and gentle-ish parenting is that with the latter, the child and parent are in partnership with each other,” says Dr. Traci Williams, a board-certified clinical psychologist. “While authoritative parenting has demonstrated positive effects on children’s development, the parent is the one in control and the one who sets the tone for discipline.”
It takes away “because I said so” and replaces it with reasonable explanations and teachable moments. This ultimately provides a healthy basis for the preferred behavior to be modeled by your child. Essentially, you treat your child how you want to be treated. According to research, parenting this way can help reduce anxiety in children and build up their mental health and resilience.
Lisa Jean-Francois, founder of consciouslylisa.com and mother of two, says that it’s all about respect. “I respect my children as whole, autonomous beings who are worthy of the same respect that I would demand for myself. So in our day-to-day interactions, we subscribe to a