So you thought she was beautiful! He was the most handsome man that you’d ever seen. You fall head over heels into a whirlwind romantic relationship. The relationship becomes increasingly intense, your hormones are raging and the two of you decide to have sex. And because you’re “in love” you do not even think about using a condom; a decision that has now put you both at risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted infection (STIs).
When you enter into a sexual relationship, it is extremely important that you take the time to get to know your sexual partner. Failure to do so may result in dire consequences, like becoming infected with HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.
Before taking your relationship to the sexual level, consider taking the following precautions first to help reduce your likelihood of becoming infected with HIV and/or other STIs.
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Get tested for HIV together. If you and your beloved are serious about taking your relationship to a sexual level, then consider going to get tested for HIV together. More importantly, go back and get your results together. When getting tested for HIV, you may also want to consider getting tested for other STIs. Some STIs, such as chlamydia and gonorrhea are asymptomatic and may go undetected. Additionally, if a person has an STI, he or she is five times more likely to get HIV. While getting tested is great, it should not be your method of prevention. Changing behaviors that put you at risk for HIV, open and honest communication and mutual monogamy should be your goal.Ask your sex partner about their sexual history/herstory. The BIG question is always “How many people have you had sex with.” While the number of sex partners may certainly peak your curiosity, it’s really not the number that matters. And besides, your beloved may not be honest. The better question to ask is, “Did you practice safer sex with all your past sexual encounters."
Additional questions to ask include: Have you been tested for HIV? Did you get your results? What were your results? Have you ever had any STIs? If so, did you get it treated? For heterosexual-identified individuals you may also consider asking if your partner has ever engaged in any same sex sexual tyrst. For lesbian or gay identified individuals you may want to ask have you ever had sex with someone of the opposite sex. As difficult as it may be to ask these questions, it is very important to ask your sex partners about their sexual past. At the end of the day, if you cannot ask your partner these questions, then just maybe you should not be having sex with them. Remember, YOU are responsible for your sexual health. And besides, it just may help save your life.
Practice safer sex. There is no such thing as “safe sex.” The only “safe sex” is no sex! However, condoms - both male and female - can help keep you safer. Condoms are 99.9% effective in preventing the transmission of HIV and other STIs if used consistently and correctly for sexual encounters.
Latex, polyurethane and polyisoprene are the most effective condoms for HIV and STI prevention. Stay away from using natural or lamb skin condoms, as they do not provide protection against HIV and other STIs. They are only effective in preventing pregnancy.
Additionally, for oral-anal play or oral-vaginal play, a dental dam can serve as a barrier to prevent an individual from coming in contact with any of the body fluids (blood, semen, vaginal fluid) that help spread HIV. Like condoms, dental dams must be used consistently and correctly in order to help reduce risk. When in doubt on how to correctly use condoms or dental dams, follow the directions on the packaging.
Follow your gut instinct, that’s what it’s there for. So, if you’ve asked the questions and you still feel uneasy about the information that your partner has shared with you, then do not move forward in a sexual relationship. That uneasiness that you’re feeling is your intuition trying to let you know that something is not exactly right with the situation. If you move forward, you may be putting yourself in harm’s way. Take the time to explore your feelings, assess the situation and make a healthy and informed decision. Above all, keep yourself safer. Having sex is a decision that should not be taken lightly.
Practice abstinence. The only 100% way to not get HIV, excluding occupation hazards such as needle prick exposure or sexual assault, is to practice abstinence. Abstinence not only includes abstaining from sex. It also includes abstaining from substance use that impairs cognition and motor skills. It also means abstaining from those indirect “triggers” that help to put an individual at risk for transmission of HIV/STIs. For example, if you know that when you go out to the club you’re likely to have a few drinks and end up leaving with someone to have sex, then the club is a trigger that you need to avoid and replace with a more healthy activity. Also, keep in mind that just because you’ve been sexually active before does not mean you cannot go back to practicing abstinence.
Be faithful. Being faithful involves mutual monogamy. You and your beloved decide to commit not only to each other but to be sexually exclusive with one another. Sexual monogamy helps to lower you chances of getting HIV.
Reduce the number of sexual partners. If you are a person that likes to engage in sex with multiple partners, keep in mind that also puts you at multiple risks, especially if the encounters are unprotected. Think of it this way: every time you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone that they have has sex with. Not only does reducing the number of sexual partners lower your risk for HIV, but it also lowers your risk for drama and other indirect activities that put you at risk for HIV and other STIs.
Change the type of sex you’re having. Changing the type of sex you’re having will also help to reduce your risk. Anal sex carries the most risk because the lining of the anus is thin and does not lubricate naturally, causing it to rip and tear much easier. Vaginal sex is the second most risky type of sex, followed by oral sex. Keep in mind that the receptive partner is the partner that is most at risk because she or he is receiving the penis inside their anus or vagina. This increases their risk given the exposure to the fluid.
Here’s an FYI: do no brush or floss or any activity that can cause a tear or break in the lining of the jaw an hour or less before oral sex because it will actually increase the opportunity for HIV transmission. If any semen or vaginal fluid gets inside of your mouth, swallow or spit but DON'T let it sit!
Be careful with substance use. Anytime we overindulge in substances, prescription, legal or illegal, our mental state becomes altered. When we are not in our sober frame of mind, our judgment may lapse. We tend to make decisions that we would not normally make if we were not under the influence (e.g., having unprotected sex or even having sex with someone we normally would not). In addition, our hormones are more active after a night of drinking or drugging and partying, therefore we are more likely to give in to the animalistic urge to have sex.
Love yourself enough to not put yourself at risk. Above all, loving yourself is essential. When you know your value and worth, you’re less likely to do things to put yourself in danger. You respect yourself and your body. You are very cautious about whom you share yourself with.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if that five or 10 minutes of pleasure is worth your life. HIV is real! Although a person can live with HIV for several years, the quality of life can be greatly reduced. And while the individual is infected, the family and community are affected.
Don’t allow love or your hormones to get the best of you. Take time to protect yourself. You are responsible for your sexual health. It’s important to get tested, know your status, change behaviors and build skills. This will help to reduce your risk for becoming infected with HIV.
Finally, I leave you with this: every time you have unprotected sex with someone who’s HIV or STI status you do not know you are saying to them that I love you enough to let you kill me! Ask yourself is that the message you want to send.
Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, author and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE. She is the publisher and editor-in-chief for Our Sexuality! Magazine. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, www.drtamaragriffin.com.
