When it comes to identifying the most important person in your life, who is it that you often refer to? If it’s not yourself, then there’s some work that needs to be done. Although it’s understandable and even common to place the relationship with either your spouse, a parent, your child or a sibling as the most crucial part of your being, your connection with self is what matters most since it greatly shapes everything else around you. For the new year, if you still find yourself struggling to take care of your needs, no worries - we got you. We spoke with licensed counselor Dr. Shana Lewis who shared her advice and tips on how to develop a loving relationship with yourself.
Counseling
We all have endured pain and trauma - whether individually or collectively. However, If you focus on women in the Black community, in particular, we have endured racism, colorization, and sexism amongst other generational and societal issues, all while managing a host of everyday responsibilities.
Going as far back as slavery, Black women were supposed to be strong, be quiet and just do what we were told no matter the circumstances, which to this day, still affects us. “As a people, we come from space in our history where we didn’t have the opportunity, to be honest,” says Dr. Lewis. “We didn’t have voices and we had to do what we were told…so we didn’t have anyone, except each other as a community to depend on and even that sometimes may not have worked out as well.”
While we’ve made strides to where women today are now in the position to use our voices, pursue our dreams, be independent and still have the ability to take care of ourselves and those around us, we have to remember that it’s also okay to not be okay.
“The strong black woman syndrome has to go away because it only perpetuates us not taking care of ourselves and pretending that everything is okay,” says Dr. Lewis. “So if we don’t address how [our issues] impacts us, we’re just putting a bandaid over the problem.” If you’re interested in counseling, but aren’t sure how to start the process, Dr. Lewis suggests asking for a referral from someone you know that’s been through therapy, trying your church counseling services if you’re concerned about incorporating spirituality into your counseling sessions or trying teletherapy counseling if you’re not comfortable with seeking counseling on person.
However, you decide to take up counseling, be sure to call first and ask for a free consultation as a way to determine if the particular counselor is a good fit for you.
Do Your Work
Often, what we see on social media is not as authentic as it may seem, so it’s important to remember the difference between social media and reality. “Social media has given us access to a whole bunch of stuff, but it’s also given us this skewed view of the world, says Dr. Lewis. “What you see is not actually what it may be.”
So, be mindful of not getting caught in the temptation of comparing yourself to someone else as well as being okay with celebrating others. “It doesn’t takeanything off me for the next person to be as amazing or more amazing than I thought because I’m okay with who I am.” Put in the work to love who you are and be confident in your own skin and you won’t have to question your worthiness.
You May Also Like
Journaling
Every day we experience many thoughts that we often forget what we felt or why we reacted to something or someone the way we did, so adopting a habit of writing down your ideas, goals, and emotions can hold you accountable and can help you establish a healthy sense of self. “Journaling is one of the greatest ways for us to have insight and connect back to ourselves,” says Dr. Lewis. “Writing commits us to [our ideas] and we’re able to grow from it.”
Adopt Affirmations
Start a daily habit of saying positive things about yourself. Particularly, target the areas of where your deficit is and begin speaking what you want into existence. “We’re surrounded by negativity, whether it’s on the radio or the news, so you have to have some positive affirmations that you put into your world,” says Dr. Lewis. “They work kind of like magic, just like the negative things people say about you, you begin to believe, you’ll eventually believe these things over time if you continue to remind yourself daily." If you’re not sure how to start affirmations, start with “I AM” and say what you want to manifest afterward.
Check Your Circle
Simply put, be mindful of who you surround yourself with the most. If the closest people around you are constantly negative or want to talk about the past so much, it’s probably best to keep them in your past and move forward. “That front row [has] to be right,” says Dr. Lewis. “The people in your front row have point blank access to you and those bullets shoot to kill so if those people areamazingly negative, dysfunctional and don’t do you any good, they are killing you every day.” Keep a circle of friends around you where you’re able to uplift one another, hold each other accountable, talk about goals and grow together.
While it’s easy to put your wants and needs off to the side, especially if you live a busy lifestyle, it’s important to remember to take care of yourself first. After all, you spend the most time with yourself, anyway, so why not begin to enjoy the home in which you’ll always live in?
“You don’t have to have the life you have, you can create the life you want,” says Dr. Lewis. “Be empowered to know you have everything inside of you to be who you want to be, do what you want to do and to move and shift in the space you want to go to.”
If you want to connect with Dr. Shana Lewis, be sure to visit her website at www.shanadlewis.com and follow her on Instagram @drshanad.lewis
Shawna Davis is a wellness journalist and the founder and creator of the wellness lifestyle blog, Froing and Flowing. Beyond the blog, she is a certified yoga instructor, wife, dog mama and is a natural hair enthusiast that’s passionate about health, wellness, and natural beauty. You can follow her on Instagram @itsshawnadavis.
