cure for this horrible disease and I want to be happy now, even if it’s for a little while—and thus, I made bad decisions.
Lupus and the onset of chemical depression made me lonely, depressed, lazy and by my own definition, ugly.
I often contemplated suicide but resisted, so I did the next worst thing, I became reckless and ultimately, pushed my heartbeat away.
Now, I won’t take full responsibility for the demise of my marriage—one of us needed to be the strong one and we failed, but I do own my part for the dumb decisions I made.
I now recognize I was depressed for many years and it went untreated because simply put, I became good at painting on a smile for the world to see and wiping away tears before anyone noticed. We eventually got pregnant with twins and in the midst—I developed postpartum depression on top of what I was dealing with and that made matters worse.
I found myself making more dumb decisions and then neglecting my family. It was like I didn’t want to be bothered. I had a separate life outside of them. I found myself in treacherous situations because of my failed attempts to find love and support.
I finally decided to get help and what I learned about chemical depression is it’s a chemical imbalance due to the medication as well as the abrupt lifestyle change from dealing with a chronic illness.
My doctor commended me on controlling it so well for many years without treatment. I appreciate her commending me but I lost my best friend in the midst of this emotional roller coaster.
Today, I am a much better person, I love my family and children more than anything and I think I’m ready to find love again – who knows?
The morale of the story is educating yourself on Chemical Depression is very critical not only for the victim but for the support system as well. If you or someone you know are suffering from the symptoms of depression, please get help immediately.
I lost my best friend and soul mate while battling this disease, if I could turn back the hands of time, I would have gotten help sooner and ultimately I would have my marriage.
My advice to those who suffer, please don’t push your support system away, you need them as much as they need you.
I sincerely apologize to my ex-husband and kids for what I sent them through. I love them so much and I am working diligently everyday to fill that hole I created with my family and to rebuild that friendship with a man I once called my soul mate.
For more on Nikita and her journey, click here.