Some tend to think all moans are good in the sack. But, that's not necessarily the case. Sex aside, we moan for many different reasons, like stumping your toe on the edge of your bed or eating your favorite food. Moans mean many different things, even in the bedroom. So, we simply can't assume all moans or copulatory vocalizations are good.
What does moan mean?
“It could mean a variety of things depending on the circumstances at the time, during the sex play. It could mean that you're definitely pleasing her or it could mean that she wants you to hurry up and get done doing what you're doing because she's tired and she has a lot of things going on. She may want it to be over or she could be faking. It could mean a variety of things depending on the situation and the person,” said Dr. TaMara Griffin, a sex therapist and relationship expert.
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So, how do you know if she's thinking about having your baby or what's she's having for dinner?
“One way that a person can tell that a woman's excited is when she's moving through the human sexual response cycle. She develops what's called a 'sex flush'. This means that her skin will turn a deeper red or a deeper purple, depending on her complexion. Usually, the sex flush begins in her face. Eventually, as she moves through the different stages of the sexual response cycle, it will appear all over her body. So, that's one physical sign,” said Dr. Griffin.
Moans can mean a variety of things. But, the main three reasons a woman may moan during sex is because she's enjoying it, because she's hoping for a quick ending (by moaning to excite you), or because she's in some kind of pain or discomfort. Women are also known to moan to turn themselves on. Yes, all moans are not about you. We like them, too.
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Some women don't moan at all which is often perceived as a sign of displeasure. But, that's not necessarily the case. The expectation of hearing your partner moan is usually learned by watching sex scenes in porn or mainstream media. It's unlikely that a writer will include a quiet sex scene in a film. But, it does happen in real life and it can happen with the most pleasurable sex experience.
“Just because I'm not moaning doesn't mean I'm not having pleasure. That's just not the way that I present myself in a sexual situation,” said Dr. Grifin.
“I think porn does us a disservice. We have to remember that porn is lights, cameras, action and multiple takes. Often times, women are not necessarily enjoying themselves. It's a job. Their job is to make you think they're enjoying sex. They may be [enjoying themselves] and they may not be," explains Dr. Griffin.
She adds, "People who are looking at porn as their model for what sex should look like are selling themselves short. They need to unlearn that and really start to look at the different ways people experience pleasure without that aspect and expectation that porn and mainstream media sets for us."
One move does not fit all
One very naive and somewhat obnoxious mistake many people make is trying old tricks with a new partner. But, every body is different. Your current partner may have a completely different sexual response cycle than the last. So, the “moves” that made your ex's toes curl might be a turn-off for the next woman.
Sex Ed
You studied the male and female anatomy in grade school. Now, it's time to educate yourself on how to use that knowledge to your sexual advantage. No matter how good you think you are in bed, there's always room for education.
Learn from the real pros, not the actors or porn stars. Visit a certified intimacy coach or read an article or book written by one. Intimacy coaches are a great resource for couples who are looking to spice things up or for long-term couples who have lost faith in their ability to be sexually compatible.
“Taking a class can be very beneficial for some people. Sexual education is like professional development. We take practice professional development in our careers. We go to college to further ourselves so that we can have a better career. Think of sex education as the same thing. Learn more about your partner. Learn more about yourself. It helps to increase the intimacy and sexual pleasure,” Dr. Griffin said.
Big... Ego?
Many people find it difficult to be honest with their partner if they aren't being pleased sexually. But, what they often fail to realize is being sexually dissatisfied eventually plays out in the relationship, no matter how hard they try to hide it with moans. They also fail to realize that 'faking it' sends the wrong message by allowing their partner to believe that they're doing everything right. Getting upset with someone for pleasing you the way you taught them to do so is just, well... backwards. Ultimately, it's up to us to teach our partners how to please us.
Dr. Griffin explains that “The majority of people don't know how to communicate sexually because that's just a skill we haven't been taught. We don't want to bruise our partners ego. [But] if we fake it, we're teaching our partner that they're pleasing us when in all actuality they may not be."
“The best thing to do if you want to please your partner is to ask them what turns them on. Ask them what pleases them. Often times, we think we're doing this great job in the bedroom when we're not. And we both end up leaving unsatisfied and pissed off and just resentful because 'he's not pleasing me'. But, at the same time, I'm not speaking up. So you have this dichotomy where [one partner] thinks [they're] doing something and I'm feeling frustrated and it's coming out in other aspects of our relationship and no one knows why we're pissed off when all we had to do was speak up,” said Dr. Griffin.
The Climax
When determining what a woman's moan means, education, communication and guidance are key. Invest the time and energy into learning her as you would anything else that peaks your interest.
Learn her sexual response cycle. The easiest way to learn how to please a woman is by asking her about what she enjoys and dislikes. Again, communication is key when it comes to sexual pleasure as there are a lot of physical and emotional barriers that can keep her from enjoying sex.
