The Remedy For The 'Strong Black Woman' Syndrome

While some believe that Black women are inherently stronger than others – including their male counterparts, as they have survived so much historically, socially and personally – dubbing it the “Strong Black Woman Syndrome,” it is this very stereotype that could be harming us in more ways than one.

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Take me for example. I’m a divorced, single supermom of two young girls, working full time as well as completing my degree part-time. With no days off (literally, as neither of my children’s fathers are in the picture) and my inability to ask for help when needed, my health, career, and personal relationships began to take a hit. Not only was I drained and stressed out, but my relationships with close friends quickly began to deteriorate.

While I’m a huge advocate for independent women -- having your own and being able to stand on your own two feet without relying on a special someone - if you haven’t mastered the art of being self-reliant and self-aware, that very independence can become a shield to hide behind. Here’s how:

You begin to silence yourself.

Yes, you may be keen on picking up on how others feel – rushing to their side to mend their wounds. But when it comes to communicating how you truly feel and what you really want, you keep it all bottled up.

Maybe you’ve been punished in the past for periodically speaking up – called an “angry Black woman” or accused of having an “attitude.” Or perhaps, you’ve given up after endless attempts to express your feelings only to be pushed to the wayside.

Either way, silence can put a damper on your relationships whether they be with colleagues, family, friends, lovers or most importantly, yourself.

You sacrifice your needs for others.

When it comes to raising children, saying “nah” to that Birkin bag in order to furnish your children’s new bedroom is one thing. It’s another to sacrifice your future (and health) in order to run to someone else’s aid.

I’ve spoken to many Black women (myself included), who always seem to be in a financial rut, as they always seem to be taking care of someone else – from rent, gas money, loans, and groceries.

My piece of advice? If you can’t afford to never get it back, don’t extend a helping hand. This may sound harsh. But if helping a friend, lover, family member, or even a child (who has left the house) out financially is taking

food off of your table, clothes off your back, preventing you from returning to school, following that dream, and/or creating unnecessary stress, you need to say “No.”

This kind of sacrifice will affect you spiritually, emotionally and physically, and we all know the downside of unwarranted stressors.

You fail to set boundaries.

There’s no limit on what you’ll give. You always make yourself and your time available to do anything and be everywhere for just about everyone. Of course, this attracts all the wrong people, who won’t hesitate to suck you dry spiritually, emotionally and financially.

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The alternative?

Be honest with yourself. If you don’t have “it” to give or if you “need help,” there is absolutely no shame in speaking up. Got old wounds? Address them and take time to heal. Need to go "off the grid" and take some ME time alone? Do it unapologetically. It’s one thing to be “strong” or “independent” and a whole other thing to not have your own back and best interests in mind.