Back in touch with an old flame? Here are five questions to ask yourself before you add fuel to the fire with an ex.
1. How long have you been apart?
If the answer is a “matter of weeks,” consider whether you two are really broken up or simply on a “break.” Keep in mind that going back and forth is not togetherness but a matter of convenience. In saying that, if you two have been separated long enough – think a few years of growing pains -- then it may be worth your while to make new introductions.
2. What was the reason behind the breakup?
Above all else, before attempting to get that old thang back, revisit why you broke up to begin with. Was it simply the wrong time in your life for love? Or were there more serious issues such as infidelity or abuse in any form including: substance, emotional, financial or physical? Or maybe your relationship was based on sex.
If these behaviors have changed, you’ve got to ask yourself: will it last or is it just for show? Also, consider your role in the original breakup and be prepared to have tough conversations about what really transpired and if you’re really ready to forgive and forget. If so, carry on …
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3. Were you both too young at the time?
If you look back on when you two were together and it is obvious that you were too young to even really comprehend what you two were doing together, that is a great sign. If you look at each other and life is relatively the same as it was when you two split and you cannot point to any specific transformative event in either of your lives, getting back together would be like rearranging the furniture in your living room.
It is new and interesting for a while but it is no substitute for moving to a nicer house. The goal in life is to be moving forward. If who you are has changed and who he is can be seen as fundamentally matured, you two might be ready to try again.
4. Are you re-entering the relationship out of loneliness?
Have you reached a point in your life where you simply want companionship? If the answer to this question is “yes,” stop! Unless both of you have clearly communicated the desire for a fling – short and sweet – there could be hurt feelings and permanent severance between you both. After all, hell hath no fury like a man or woman scorned.
5. Do you have children together?
While I’m certainly not a fan of trying to make things work ONLY for the good of your children, I can’t argue with the fact that a child absolutely benefits from having a relationship with both parents. It’s important, however, to consider whether your relationship is providing a healthy example. Was there constant fighting in the home? Was anger taken out on the children? Did the child appear to exhibit signs of depression?
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Did the child voice his/her unhappiness in the home? If any of the above apply, it may be better to part ways, keeping in the forefront the products of that love you once shared. Avoid creating a toxic living situation for your young ones.
