We are living in a society that continues to ponder the idea of what makes a person peruse intimate relationships. We have set standards and even expected gender roles for such relationships. As an individual, one’s motive and desire for pursuing an intimate or dating relationship can be either primarily self-centered or self-less.
Some factors that contribute to self-centered motives may be a goal to become financially stable by any means necessary; lack of mental energy to end and start a new relationship, or fulfilling personal goals until you find someone “better”.
Entering a relationship under false pretenses that does not include the primary interest of being interactive with the other person uncovers major pitfalls for a healthy relationship status. Imagine dating someone, who on the outside tells you how much they enjoy spending time together but really is planning a life that does not include you.
Can you envision dating someone, six-months later confirm exclusivity, only to find that you were more of a financial and emotional security for that person? A lot of mental preparation goes into dating and staying in a committed relationship when you have an ulterior motive.
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Think about it. You have to continuously plan how you will play the role of good partner while trying to get to the finish line of your motive. One must strategize how they will stay interested, give attention, stay emotionally connected, and even intimately responsive.
This causes internal and external combustion individually and as a couple. The integrity of the relationship is compromised when lies become frequent, distance is more evident than quality time, and how you treat each other is ambiguous.
Some ideas to help you decide whether you should pursue dating or remain in an intimate relationship:
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1. Ask yourself are you willing to live a lifestyle with a hidden agenda.
2. How will you be honest with the person regarding your motive for the pursuit?
3. In what ways do you believe that the potential partner deserves to be deceived and misguided about your interest in them?
4. How you satisfied with spending your time pursuing faulty relationships?
These questions should help you reflect on your actions and the significant impact you can have on a person that cares for and respect you. Remember, your relationship is as meaningful as the persons who present their authentic selves.
Kimberly Thomas, Ed. D. in Counseling Psychology is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Chicago, Illinois. She specializes in Partner Violence Intervention, Substance Use Disorders, and Anger Management. Her volunteer work includes helping build faith-based community programs, workshops, and community awareness campaigns. When Dr. Thomas is not working, she enjoys being a mother, singing and attending retreats.
