I was invited to speak on the radio recently in Philadelphia about infidelity and how couples can restore intimacy in their relationships. As you can imagine, there were a number of callers who offered sentiments about relationship survival, severance or trauma endured. Given the candidness of the discussion, I thought it would be helpful to write about this sensitive issue that affects many relationships and families.
1. What Truly Is Cheating?
Infidelity happens when two parties have made an explicit (e.g., “We are going to be emotionally and sexually monogamous,” or “We are together,”) or implicit (e.g., We kissed, had sex, shared secrets, spent time with each other’s family, etc. but the relationship status was not discussed) agreement to not engage in the same behavior or emotional interaction with another person. When the agreement is severed by one or both parties, any transaction with another person is expected to be disclosed or maintained a secret (contingent upon one’s value system regarding truth, honesty, disclosure, etc.).
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Infidelity is individually constructed and relative to the person. In other words, there are many perspectives about what cheating is/is not, what infidelity means to the relationship, and whether or not it is a “deal breaker.” So for example, you may believe that a person cheats when he/she engages in oral, vaginal, or anal sex with someone else but feel that sexting an ex-partner is playful flirting. Another example might be sharing secrets or engaging in intimate behaviors with someone other than your primary partner and rationalizing the experience as “not cheating” because you never had sex with the other person.
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Yet another example might be, sexual intimacy with someone other than your partner but believe that since the feelings you have for the other person are not as strong as those for your primary partner, then the act was not cheating. A final example might be having a romantic interlude with someone else and not disclosing it to your partner. If confronted about it, then it's cheating...if you are not confronted by your spouse, then it is okay. Please understand that if you and your partner have not talked about your actions and consented to those actions beforehand…it’s cheating.
2. Yes, There are Different Forms of Cheating
As I mentioned above, cheating comes in many forms and is relative to each person. When I speak with my clients and students about infidelity, I share with them that I consider infidelity to be a deflection of intimacy where individuals choose not to address issues that exist in their relationship. So for example, imagine getting into an argument with your partner about whose turn it is to clean out the garage. Both of you argue for hours until you decide to retreat to another part of the house. You invest countless hours (and sometimes days) playing video games, surfing the Internet, spending intimate time with someone else, consuming alcohol/drugs, gambling, or eating and you still have not resolved the issue of cleaning out the garage. With any of the above activities you physically, emotionally and intimately “check out” because you choose not to deal with the issue or have not developed a communication skill set to address what is really going on between the two of you.
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These activities serve as deflections in that they may keep you and your partner from sharing your thoughts, feelings and behaviors with one another and being as close as you may want to be. It is frequently assumed that cheating has to be with another person, but it is evident that emotional detachments can occur from excessive consumption of alcohol, drugs, video games, Internet surfing, eating, pornography, shopping, etc. These other behaviors can be just as insidious and traumatic as being sexually intimate with another person. The presenting issue for clients in my private practice may be infidelity, but underneath that, it is eventually discovered that the couple may not have agreed upon money, sex, parenting, interaction with former partners, chores, or their relationship status. Subsuming those issues may be feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, abandonment or depression. The cheater may have chosen to be with someone else because it was “easier” than addressing his/her personal or relational challenges.
3. How to Deal with Someone Who Is Unfaithful
When some people are unfaithful, they may be unsettled or unsure about how to deal with their feelings about being in a committed relationship. Earlier, I asserted that relationships have explicit and implicit agreements that provide behavioral, emotional and intimate expectations for both parties and when some people are unable or chose to not have meaningful dialogue about their relational positioning, they cheat. Understanding the relative and fluid context of cheating, the unfaithful person may engage sexually (e.g., in real life or virtual) with another person (e.g., acquaintance or stranger) or develop an unrevealed emotional attachment to someone other than his/her primary partner. During this time, the cheater may experience a range of feelings for the other partner including relief, guilt, confusion, safety, anxiety or love.
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At the same time, sentiments towards the spouse or primary partner may include anger, frustration, confusion, ambivalence and even love. Becoming intimate with another person only complicates matters because the person who he/she is spending time with cannot effectively resolve any issue that exists between the unfaithful person and his/her primary partner. Inasmuch, the other person cannot resolve any emotional issue that exists within the infidel. In other words, the cheater may be confused, anxious, or harbor resentments about his/her current relationship and while the other man/woman may be able distract the cheater temporarily, he/she cannot resolve the internal emotional chaos that exists within. Upon disclosure or discovery, the person who cheated may also experience a mixture of feelings including shame, confusion, anxiety, depression, rage, euphoria, sexual arousal, or resentment. For many people who are unfaithful, the cauldron of emotion can be difficult to untangle without professional support.
4. How to Endure the Trauma
When spouses find out (by discovery or disclosure) that their partner’s behavior has negatively moved beyond the initial relational expectations, it can be devastating. Most people who want a healthy relationship do not anticipate their partner betraying them and when it happens, it can be confusing, unsettling and oftentimes traumatic. Paradoxically, while some spouses may be enraged, bitter or resentful towards his/her partner’s behavior, they may also be stirred, triggered, and sometimes aroused after hearing about the intimate experiences of the cheater.
The snafu of emotions and sexual intimate behavior may emanate from a heightened recognition and awareness of individual vulnerability of both parties. Spouses may find themselves angry at one moment and possibly amorous a few minutes or hours later as they try to construct meaning from the betrayal and manage themselves emotionally. Some partners may fear abandonment, further betrayal, or the possibility of cheating themselves. Other partners may sever the relationship altogether and find themselves emotionally unavailable to anyone else in the future. Professional support is encouraged for spouses in that it can help unweave complex feelings and help partners develop a behavioral and emotional plan to manage their trauma.
5. What to Do About The Other Person
Sometimes the other person knows nothing about the relationship status of his/her lover because deception was involved. When it is disclosed or discovered that there is someone else romantically, the other person may experience the same feelings as the primary partner and struggle to create meaning out of the intimate interaction. Some people may not care if his/her partner is in a relationship with someone else and are able to set emotional boundaries for themselves and not become too emotionally invested/entangled.
Matters can become quite complex when all parties (e.g., spouse, cheater, and other person) come together and confront one another regarding actual and perceived behaviors, interpretations of those behaviors, and everyone’s affective response. Again, feelings of betrayal, confusion, resentment, anger, frustration and fear may become heightened during the confrontation leaving all parties without any sense of clarity or direction.
6. What Should You Do Next?
Confronting all of the personal and relational issues and untangling all of the behavioral and emotional complexities for both parties can be tough even for a skilled therapist. Below are a few suggestions that I have offered to my clients and students about how to reduce the possibility of infidelity and how to handle it if it occurs:
- Spend time talking with your partner about your relationship status and the emotional, sexual, and intimate expectations at the beginning and throughout the relationship. Accept and understand that people change over time as well as their interpretations of relationship.
- Have a constructive in-depth discussion about honesty, disclosure, forgiveness, and relationship history and talk about what worked/did not work for you.
- Be patient and understanding when you and your primary partner talk about previous relationships that were traumatic or unfulfilling and develop solutions to not make the same mistakes. Be willing to listen to one another if trauma exists in your current relationship.
- If you have unresolved issues from a previous relationship or within your current relationship, talk with a professional to get support.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Chair of the Counseling and Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is one of the nation’s best sexuality therapists and educators. His website is www.drjameswadley.com and you can follow him on Twitter @phdjamesw.
