People who are depressed have a lot on their mind and with that a lot of questions they try to answer themselves: what happened, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? Wouldn’t people be better off if I was dead?
But to make things worse, they often feel isolated and misunderstood because of something silly a friend or family member said. Don’t let that be you. Here are some phrases never to say:
1. What NOT to say:
“There’s always someone worse off than you are.”
What to say:
“You’re not alone in this.”
Depression has a way of singling out a person and putting it in their head that they are the ONLY ones expereicneing this or who have ever experienced this. That’s why many people who face depression want to be alone. Depression feeds off of loneliness. You saying “you’re not alone in this” helps them to know that others have not only experienced this, but have made it through.
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2. What NOT to say:
“No one ever said that life was fair.”
What to say:
“You are important to me.”
This comment treats depression like it’s a choice, as if the person suffering is choosing to be in a sad mood. Nobody chooses to be depressed. If it were that easy, we’d choose not to be. The comment, “You are important to me” reminds them that even though they may not value themselves at this point, someone (you) still value them.
3. What NOT to say:
“It’s your own fault.”
What to say:
“When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.”
Even if it may be a course of action from your friend that led him or her to this point, playing the blame game doesn’t help, nor does it change the situation. Many times, it can make it worse. The course of action to follow is to identify the problem and set a course of action to rectify it. The phrase, “when all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you” speaks volumes that 1.) things will work out and 2.) the situation isn’t dire to harm themselves or other people.
4. What NOT to say:
“Maybe you just need a vacation.”
What to say:
“As your friend, I’m here for you.”
Packing bags and heading off to someplace relaxing isn’t going to alleviate true depression. “The depression stays with them, [and] they may even feel worse because they feel guilty for not feeling better,” says Norman Sussman, MD, a professor of psychiatry at New York University’s Langone Medical Center.
5. What NOT to say:
“Let me know if I can do anything.”
“Let’s talk through how I can specifically help you”
People oftentimes have the best intentions but produces the worst outcomes. Your actions have to match your words. It’s important that if you really want to be there and help someone, that you do what you say you’re going to do. If you don’t follow through on your promises, your lack of action could easily feed your friend’s depression.
6. What NOT to say:
“You should probably do _____.”
Did you read something online that you think the person should try? Before you give a suggestion like “Maybe you should cut out caffeine and sugar” or “You need to check out this meditation I saw on Instagram — it’ll definitely make you feel better,” remember: You’re not their doctor, and depression is a serious illness that requires medical care.
Clinical therapists say to be careful not to fall into the mode and trap of being a problem solver, and offering a whole bunch of solutions. When we do that, it’s often a reflection of our own anxiety and discomfort with the situation. It can feel intolerable for us to sit with the discomfort, and coming up with a plan for the person makes us feel like we’re doing something. But it’s better to try to sit with their discomfort and pain, and to convey empathy.
7. What NOT to say:
“I was depressed once, and…”
It’s not a competition, so you don’t have to compare stories.
We’re not saying you can’t ever talk about your experience with depression if someone close to you is living with it. After all, we often “story swap” to explore and learn from similar experiences, to seek out people who understand us, and to form mutual bonds.
Sometimes, though, self-disclosure isn’t helpful. You may be well-meaning and want the person with depression to feel “seen.” But your eagerness to swap “relatable” stories may push the other person away or discourage them from speaking up.
The worst of these self-disclosure stories are the false equivalences. I’ve had my depression compared to grief over loved ones dying, losing a job, feeling sad when it rains, and it gets even more ridiculous from there. Clinical depression is more than feeling bummed out and different to grieving a loss. Professionals characterise depression by persistent sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness that don’t go away on their own.
Here’s another example of what not to say to someone with depression… somebody once compared my illness to the time their favourite sports team lost a big game. It’s not the same thing, and it’s not helpful.
Other times, self-disclosure stories only serve to one-up someone or disregard their feelings. Like, “My depression was much worse than yours, and I had more legitimate reasons for it.”
Know the Signs When Depression Gets to be Too Much
People who suffer from major depressive disorder are at higher risk of suicide, according to NAMI. Here, the organization lists the warning signs to look for:
- Threats or comments about killing themselves, also known as suicidal ideation, can begin with seemingly harmless thoughts like “I wish I wasn’t here” but can become more overt and dangerous.
- Increased alcohol and drug use
- Aggressive behavior. A person who’s feeling suicidal may experience higher levels of aggression and rage than usual.
- Social withdrawal from friends, family and the community.
- Dramatic mood swings, which can indicate a feeling of instability.
- Preoccupation with talking, writing or thinking about death.
- Impulsive or reckless behavior.
- Signs of imminent danger include talking about putting their affairs in order, saying goodbye to loved ones, giving away their possessions, a sudden shift from anguish to calm, and putting a plan in place to commit suicide.
If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.
