Growing up, my mom wouldn’t allow us to say the "d-word" in her presence. Since as far back as I could remember, “death” was swapped out for “passed away,” or “gone to live with the Lord” whenever we referenced someone who died. I never quite understood why words mattered so much until I was at a loss for them whenever I tried to make sense of what happened on December 3, 2018.
Last year, a few hours after I returned my mom’s text about what I’d eaten that day, I got a phone call from my younger sister. Her voice was so little. “Mama’s not breathing.”
An hour later, she was pronounced...passed away? Living with the Lord?
The doctor mechanically rattled off all he tried to do to save her from a heart attack while Jingle Bells annoyingly played in the background.
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It’s been over a year since she... “passed” and the world is again preparing itself for joy, peace and all the other wonderful things the holiday season tells you to feel.
So what do you do if everyone around is merry and bright, but you’re constantly reminded of the d-word? Honestly, I don’t quite know the answer to this yet, but I’ve uncovered some powerful strategies that have significantly helped me deal with the special kind of hell of losing a parent during the holidays.
1. Remember That Words Matter
I realize now why my mom didn’t like using the d-word. It evokes a sense of cold finality that makes the grieving process that much more difficult to move through. After all, language is extremely powerful. One word can shift your entire mood. I allow myself the space to avoid using or hearing certain things that remind me of my mom’s transition. So, for now, I’ll continue to do as my mom taught me and avoid using the d-word at all costs.
2. Share The Things They Loved With Others In Your Life
My mom loved a particular Chinese restaurant and often celebrated her most important milestones over a plate of shrimp fried rice. Now, in her memory, I find it comforting to dine there as well.
Inject the inevitable materialism of the season with some meaning. Taking your loved ones to your late mom’s favorite restaurant for a holiday meal, and ordering the most decadent dessert for the table can be a great way to rework the sad narrative into a more joyful one.
3. Start Your Own Traditions
Your parents probably came up with most of those magical traditions you loved while growing up. By keeping this in mind, you might embrace the opportunity to come up with something creative and quirky that your loved ones will remember as nothing but pure magic.
For instance, my youngest sister forced us to go ice-skating last year a few weeks before our mom passed. I thought it was a nuisance then. Now, I realize it was the unknowing start to a wonderful new tradition that will repurpose the meaning of the holidays for us.
4. Do WTF You Need To Do
If you’ve made it this far down in the article, you’re probably rolling your eyes at this point. You probably also feel like the only thing that will truly help is to sit on the sidelines at the holiday functions and let other people take the lead in planning activities for the family.
Guess what. That’s totally fair. As long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else, do what feels right for you. Grief is physiologically draining and it often comes in waves. At one point, you’re totally ok. The next moment you could be in a place that’s totally unrecognizable. Do what feels right in order to cope.
5. Allow Happy To Happen
Those first holidays after the loss of a loved one may feel something like 95 percent terrible, and 5 percent tolerable. And that split is generous. As cliche as it sounds, it does get better. When it does, give yourself permission to revel in happiness. Allow yourself to enjoy things again. Even the stuff that your parents loved. My mom loved to laugh. She loved eggrolls. She loved us. I like to remind myself of that often. And you know what? When I do, the d-word doesn’t seem as scary.
Jasmine Browley holds an MA in journalism from Columbia College Chicago, and has contributed to Ebony, Jet and MADE Magazine among others. So, clearly, she knows some stuff. Follow her digital journey @JasmineBrowley.
