It was September 27, 2010 when I was diagnosed with Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. I was 29 years old and I’ll never forget that day. In hindsight, I’d experienced symptoms for years (dizziness, clumsiness, migraines, depression, anxiety, fatigue) but just labeled them as “growing pains.” After six months of over two dozen visits to the ER, repeated testing (including a lumbar puncture which left me with the worse spinal headache of my life), I finally had a name to this MonSter inside of me.
It seemed like overnight that I had gone from doing P90x routines to falling to the floor as I got out of bed. I had first dismissed the numbness on my left side and dizziness to a pinched nerve, but when I went partially blind in my left eye, had an anxiety attack and nearly passed out while driving, I became concerned. When I had a seizure on my living room couch, my feelings skyrocketed to sheer terror.
I lost my appetite, couldn’t sleep and began hallucinating. After searching on Google, I had an inkling that it was Multiple Sclerosis, but I refused to accept the first diagnosis. Finally, Dr. Omar Khan, Director, Wayne State University Multiple Sclerosis Research Center, concurred with the diagnosis. His compassion and positivity helped me swallow the MS pill a little bit easier.
I was initially so afraid, ashamed and confused, not wanting anyone to know because I didn’t want their pity (AND STILL DON’T). I went from not wanting to eat to binge eating. I distanced myself from my then husband, and fought to redefine my identity. I was in a depressing abyss. After gaining 20 pounds and drowning in my tear-filled pillow, I finally came to my senses.
Now, I proudly say: “I have MS, but MS doesn’t have me.”
I’ve become empowered and humbled at the same time. Empowered because my favorite scripture now has greater meaning: “For all things I have the strength through the one who gives me power.” -Philippians 4:13. Yet, I was also humbled and more compassionate of those who may not “look” like they are fighting a battle-because we all are.
I’m thankful that I am doing well and have family and friends who have been a strengthening aid to me. I now strive to live a life of purpose, showing appreciation for this precious gift of life in all areas (physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental).
My body has become a radar for how well I am treating myself. I may try to hide my fears and emotions, but the body doesn’t lie. As a result, I am more present in the moment. I appreciate the power of positive thinking. I eat more clean and natural foods, exercise regularly, laugh harder and forgive more freely.
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In essence, MS saved my life.
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