Love After Divorce: Have You Given Up?

Statistics are pretty grim when it comes to American divorce rates. According to the American Psychological Association, between 40 to 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce. The data is even more interesting when we look at Black American marriage and divorce patterns.

According to Black Demographics: “… we can see that although fewer Black women are “now married”, more Black women than Black men have been married at least once. This is because a higher percentage of Black women are divorced and widowed than men.”

With more Americans, across racial and social-economic levels, getting divorced, some of us have actually given up on love. It is a reality for many of us whether the divorce was amicable, contested, or some variation thereof. Yet, just because one marriage didn’t work, doesn’t mean that we should give up on the institution of marriage, prematurely that is.

Like some of you who are reading this, I was once a divorcee. I came from a household where my parents had been married for almost 50 years, so I never, ever imagined that my marriage would end, but it did. Although my marriage didn’t last very long, it did leave me questioning whether marriage was for me.

In fact, I was so ambivalent about marriage that for a few years, I immaturely boycotted weddings and televised wedding-themed shows. I also said that instead of marriage, I would go the Oprah and Stedman route. In other words, give me the man, but keep the ring.

But as the months turned into years, I realized that I needed to reevaluate my attitude. I needed to think about marriage the same way I did other things that did not go as planned—be open to trying again.

I started dating and believe me, dating over 40 is a topic worthy of its own blog. I seemed to meet three genres of men: 1) Can I marry you right now? 2) I am in a situation (code word for married), but can we still date? 3) I am not ready to settle down, but can we still do a Netflix night at your house?

To say that I became jaded is an understatement. Yet, somewhere along the way, I finally realized that I needed to do some deep soul-searching as to what I really wanted. I discovered that the problem wasn’t just with the men that I was attracting; it was also with me.

I had created such an emotional fortress that I was potentially blocking my own blessings. Although, by now, many years had passed by since my divorce, I was still holding potential partners hostage for things that didn’t go well in my first marriage.

To truly move on, I had to let go and that started with forgiveness. Although I don’t recommend this to everyone, I called my ex-husband and told him that I forgave him. I also asked him to forgive me.

Unlike in the movies when things immediately fall into place after such a cathartic moment, my process of healing and being open to love again did not happen overnight.

After being divorced for about eight years, at the bequest of a friend, I tried online dating. I created a profile that accurately reflected my interests and used a profile picture that mirrored what I looked like at that time, not 10 years ago. I met some interesting guys, but there was one in particular who stood out.

We corresponded via the dating app for weeks, then we graduated to text messages, and then finally phone calls. This went on for three months before we finally went on our first date. We immediately clicked and our friendship blossomed.

The more time I spent with him, the more I realized that loving again was my choice. Christmas Eve 2018 marked our one-year anniversary as Mr. and Mrs.

The reality is that love after divorce does exists. I am friends with many people who are in the midst of what I like to call ‘a remix’. The key is being willing to give true love and the institution of marriage a second look.

Yes, this is a deeply personal decision. You neither want to rush the process nor do you want to give up. I am a walking testimony that by opening one’s heart and mind, there is a strong possibility that you can find what you truly want and need in a spouse.

Tyra Seldon, Ph.D. is a former English professor turned writer, editor and small business owner. Passionate about the English language and the craft of storytelling, she launched Seldon Writing Group, LLC in 2011. Dr. Seldon has worked with education tech companies, celebrities, aspiring writers, entrepreneurs, media outlets, Fortune 500 companies, and government agencies to develop their written content. When she’s not writing, she’s traveling the world, one continent at a time. She can be reached at [email protected]

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