Truly committed love the second time around (or the third, or the fourth…no judgment) can be so sweet. You are wiser and able to make better choices, even if they don’t always result in success. You realize you are a work in progress. You have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off after your fair share of breakups. You know what you are seeking in a mate and what you won’t compromise on. You may be set in your ways but are open and responsive to letting love soften any heart of stone that you may have. Thanks to years gone by, you are a winner adept at living with or without serious romantic, intimate, and significant adult relationships. So, how do you chart the unfamiliar territory of a new love journey for two after being out of the game for a while? It starts with truthful communication with yourself.
1. Say what you mean so you can ask and receive it
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want, but don’t forget about being honest and upfront about what you need. Likewise, don’t be closed off to surprises that turn out to be blessings. Your perfect love connection may come when you abandon your list of what you think you want, and the universe sends love in a different package from what you expected and gives you what you truly need.
If you are over a certain age and lived experience level, you may no longer tolerate playing games and think you can spot a loser from a distance. However, win or lose, the outcome depends on understanding what is true for you.
Whether you want a serious relationship or a friendship with benefits, honor your desire and say that upfront. Open and honest communication starts at the beginning stages of all relationships. It will be a life-giving tool as the relationship progresses. Both you and the other person will appreciate it. If you are both on the same page and move forward, then you could have the beginning of a beautiful thing.
Maybe you’d created a decent life for one after a divorce, separation, or death of a partner or spouse? Your aura had a default color of gray. You had a routine and maybe even a pet. Then came Ms./Mr. Right when you least expected it. You coupled and as a unit, y’all thrived. Dinner for two. Weekend getaways. Date nights. Romance on the regular. You have a meeting of the minds, more than a pretty face, and with time both of you can see being in it for the long term. So how can you apply your wisdom gleaned from previous relationships to your new, long-term/life partner, “before anyone else” exclusive friend, or significant other? And what gives staying power to a love relationship as one ages?
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2. Choosing to love the other every day
Once the initial lust(er) of love has worn out, gone are the exciting firsts. You must do the work and help keep the relationship going if you are in it for the long term. Give support but be able to be vulnerable enough to receive it also.
It takes strength to lean into the one who’s becoming your person. It takes strength and courage to be faithful, commit, and choose to do your best every day to give your best to someone else. There are no prizes and maybe even no thank yous. Without doing the work to keep the romance going, more than romance will be gone and its absence will be felt by both sides.
3. Cultivating a friendship foundation
You can’t have sex all the time, but you can explore intimacy with your new love that will build a solid foundation of interdependence and mutual respect. That is the hallmark of good friendship and the anchor for love relationships.
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Friendship helps make choosing to love easier. With time fifty-fifty will disappear and, in its place, are new blossoms of realistic, abundant, and deep love.
Loving relationships built on friendship call for giving as much as you can, taking comfort in the knowledge that they’ve got you when you have nothing to give, and that is your best in that season of the partnership. Rest easy. This is how love grows stronger when you are together and is felt, supporting you even when you are apart.
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4. Touch: the connecting sense
The quality of a love relationship is not marked by epic lovemaking or the variety and quantity of sexual positions. If you have built a strong and deep foundation, the quality of long-term love is expressed by simple kindnesses, gestures, and expressions. For example, a loving touch from your beloved can still give you goosebumps and keep the home fires burning.
Of all the senses, this one, touch, the definition of physical, requires that you reach out and take a risk to ignite the emotions. Caring about someone is important, but reaching out and putting yourself out there is risky. Touching and squeezing your loved one’s hand when tones are escalating to hostility; walking hand in hand; or even sitting close together on the sofa watching TV: these moments preserve your connection and keep the peace. It’s harder to stay mad when touch connects you.
You also have an easier time growing in the same direction together and staying in love. It symbolizes the unit you both are working to become. It reminds you of the importance of staying connected through conversation, cuddling, nights out, staying in, and genuinely caring. Touch joins you physically, but also emotionally, and spiritually.
5. Say grace together
This is not a religious thing. This is about gratitude. If you say grace before your meal, even if you don’t pray or barely (if at all) believe in a Higher Power, giving thanks for what you’ve got opens you up to the spiritual aspect of Thanksgiving. This other truly remarkable person and you are breaking bread; for this you are grateful. This person is more than you ever hoped for and puts you in reverent touch with how much your gratitude extends beyond the meal for this gift. Saying grace in the presence of one another is an opportunity to acknowledge the blessing of moving from the unique strength of one individual to the power of a united two as a couple.
You appreciate one another. You can now choose love and express it healthily. You can reflect even further and recognize the miracle that it took to bring you two together and the sacred paired with hard work and creativity that is needed to keep you together moment by moment and day by day. An overwhelming joy for this mystery is natural.
Be confident in your skills to partner better but remain humble; it still takes two. You are on the right path. You are comfortable being together in silence in public or communicating in private. Sharing a meal, a kiss, or sharing a life: all are worthy endeavors. Checking in or catching up, engaging in conversation about each other’s day is not a waste of time. It is a calling to keep in constant communication about all things great and small.
Saying grace does all of this and more. It breaks down barriers to love by acknowledging something greater, then trickling down to an appreciation of the great things in life. Just as you celebrate, honor and nourish your body with food, the nourishment of the spirit must also be satisfied. This is as crucial as the sensuous: those things experienced by and through the senses. Life without this person is no longer an option for your future. You ponder the good and the bad of this partnership, then you realize: there is no secret to enduring love later in life; you do it right and better simply by loving.
